Chapter 26
‘Is everything okay?’ Ferris asked. ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
Angelia nodded absentmindedly, still trying to process what she was looking at.
Ed’s words rang around her mind. She found a heart-shaped photo in my wallet and realised I was…
I am in love with someone else. But this photo wasn’t Fiona.
This made no sense. Why had he kept mentioning ‘best friends’ and why on earth did he tell her that Ferris was just what she needed?
‘What is that?’ Ferris asked, pointing to the photo.
It was one that had been taken years ago on their camping trip to Loch Doon; one of the ones Ed must have taken when he thought she wasn’t paying attention.
Her chestnut hair had blown partially across her face, and she was reaching up to tuck it behind her ear.
In the distance the sun glinted on the water as she was stepping from one rock to another.
She wore a long-sleeved T-shirt, dark blue jeans and walking boots and had a checked shirt tied around her waist. She remembered it like it was yesterday.
‘That’s a lovely photo of you,’ Ferris said, glancing over her shoulder. ‘He clearly adores you,’ he added with a hint of sadness.
Ed honked the horn as he pulled up and she quickly shoved the photo back in the wallet and turned to Ferris. ‘Thanks for today. And tonight. And… for everything. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ And with that she turned and jogged out to the car.
When she climbed in, she handed him the wallet. ‘This was handed in to the church. Ferris asked me to give it to you. You must have dropped it in the stramash at the café.’
He took the wallet. ‘Oh, heck. I hadn’t even missed it. That’s not good, is it?’ He laughed. ‘I’ll drop Ferris a message to thank him.’ There was no mention of the photo. The thought must not have even crossed his mind.
Angelia was silent for the first part of the journey home, not knowing what to say about her discovery, and not really believing what it could mean. Perhaps she had completely misinterpreted things?
‘Are you okay?’ he asked as they passed through the village of Dunan on the shores of Loch na Cairidh.
The view across to the tiny island of Scalpay, whose inhabitants numbered four last she heard, were always picturesque but even more so tonight as it was currently illuminated by nothing but moonlight. It was quite beautiful.
‘Hmm? Sorry, yes, thanks, I’m… I’m fine. Just tired, I think,’ she lied.
‘Yeah, no wonder. Today has been quite a rollercoaster, eh?’
You can say that again. ‘It has.’
‘Your mum and dad land back at Heathrow tomorrow, don’t they?’
‘They do. It’ll be good to see them. I think they’re flying back up to Glasgow and staying there overnight.’
‘It’s a shame they won’t see the show. But I’ll make sure someone takes plenty of photos of the choir while we’re on stage. And maybe some video footage too.’
She smiled. ‘That’d be great, thank you.’
There was another brief silence until he said, ‘Then I suppose I should go and see my folks.’
Her heart sank. ‘Oh, you’re leaving?’
He shrugged. ‘Well, I should show my face. And you’ll be fine when your folks are home.’
She couldn’t answer him. Because she knew she wouldn’t be fine when he left.
They arrived back at the house and Scrappy was excited to see them both. Angelia clipped on his lead. ‘I’m just going to take Scrappy out for a wee walk. He’s probably busting.’
‘Here. Let me. You’re worn out and I don’t mind. You make a coffee while I’m out.’
She nodded and he left with the dog. She paced the kitchen as the kettle boiled.
She needed to say something. She needed to at least check that her interpretation of the situation was right.
Because if he left, she knew she would never have the courage to ask again and would forever wonder what could have been.
She made a fresh pot of coffee and sat nursing a cup until Ed returned.
She heard the door open and close and Scrappy came running through from the hallway. She poured a mug of coffee for Ed and placed it on the table.
‘The sky’s magnificent tonight,’ Ed said. ‘Reminds me of the sky we had that night when we camped at Loch Doon.’
This was it. This was her chance.
‘Erm… speaking of Loch Doon, Ed… I think we need to talk,’ she said, her heart pounding and hands shaking.
He removed his jacket and placed it on the back of one of the chairs. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘I think so. But… Something fell out of your wallet tonight at the church, when Ferris passed it to me.’
He rolled his eyes and rubbed his hands roughly over his face. ‘Oh God, was it the receipt for the campervan? Because I can?—’
She shook her head. ‘No, not that. But why would that be an issue?’
He cringed. ‘Because it’s a stupid amount of money to spend on something I won’t be owning at the end of it.
And I know you, you’ll want to give me something towards it but the answer’s absolutely no, Angel.
And in my defence, it’s been worth every single penny, even if I haven’t slept in it every night.
It’s been worth it because…’ He shook his head. ‘It’s just been worth it.’
‘Can I ask you something, and will you promise to tell me the truth?’
He gave a nervous laugh. ‘Erm… I suppose that depends…’
‘Why are you in no rush to go back to the orchestra?’
He pulled out a chair and sat down, his expression filled with regret. ‘I don’t want to tell you because A, you’ll think I’m insane, and B, you’ll be angry with me.’
‘Try me.’
He stared into the mug of coffee in front of him and fell silent for a while. ‘I… erm… I quit.’
Angelia wasn’t expecting that. ‘What? Why? What happened? Was it because of your split from Ava?’
He lifted his chin and fixed a sorrow-filled gaze on her. ‘No. Nothing like that. She and I weren’t long-term. Well, not as far as I was concerned anyway. But no… she wasn’t the reason.’
‘Then what was?’
He closed his eyes and inhaled a long, deep breath before opening them again. ‘Because I was worried about you.’
Angelia shook her head, filled with incredulity. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because you’re my best friend in the world, Angelia.
And you were going through something huge.
And I was racked with guilt that I’d been such a shitty friend over the last few years.
I needed to be here for you with no distractions and nothing to force me to leave.
To make sure you had someone if you needed it.
Fiona has her life in Edinburgh and her and Marcus are solid.
I knew she couldn’t be here even though she wanted to.
Not long-term anyway. So, I quit.’ He shrugged as if it was the most common-sense thing he’d ever said and done.
She sighed and lowered her head. ‘You didn’t need to do that, Ed. I’m not ill and I don’t need?—’
‘Wrapping in bubble wrap, yes, I know that. I’ve always known how strong you are, Angelia, that’s never been the issue. This was about me. I… I needed to be where you are. That’s all.’
‘You know that night after I had performed my first-ever gig with the band, and you said you had something to tell me? What was it?’
He sighed and stood, walked over to the countertop and leaned on it but wouldn’t make eye contact. ‘I can’t remember, that was years ago.’
She stood and walked over to him. ‘Come on, think. It was definitely something important.’
He turned to look at her now, his eyes glassy. He chewed the inside of his cheek. ‘There’s no point,’ he whispered.
‘Shall I tell you what fell out of your wallet tonight?’
He frowned. ‘Okay.’
‘It was a heart-shaped photograph… of me.’
He shrugged. ‘Okay, and? You already knew about that. I meant to get rid of it after we talked on our trip but… Sorry, I’ll throw it away now.’
He moved to get past her, but she put her hand on his chest. ‘What did you think I meant on that night we talked?’
He fixed his green gaze on her now, anger evident in his narrowed eyes and furrowed brow. ‘Why are you doing this to me? I didn’t think you were cruel, Angelia, but this is pretty cruel.’ He scoffed. ‘Do you want me to spell it all out for you? Huh? Is that what you want?’
She nodded. ‘Please, yes.’
He rolled his head back and growled at the ceiling.
‘For pity’s sake. I fell in love with you the first day I laid eyes on you at university.
I engineered the whole being drunk thing just to get close to you.
You know all this, though.’ He lifted his arms and when she didn’t comment he let them flop back down to his side again.
‘But then the three of us seemed to become this trio. We even had nicknames for ourselves. It was clear we were only ever going to be friends, and to be honest that was fine. It hurt and it wasn’t what I really wanted but it was fine.
Because it meant I got to have you in my life.
That night we spent at Loch Doon is one of my favourite, and at the same time, my most hated memories.
Because when I kissed you…’ He closed his eyes again and his chin trembled.
‘Because when I kissed you, it almost felt like you loved me the same. But then Fee rang and… I suppose I knew things would go back to how they had always been. The Three Amigos…’ He stopped talking but she waited, she knew there was more to come.
She had to fight the urge to fling her arms around him, but she wanted to be sure because everything so far had been past tense.
‘Then that night you were about to go away with the band I almost told you how I felt but it didn’t seem fair to put guilt on you when you were going away.
You didn’t feel the same, so you didn’t need to know.
And I didn’t want it to look like I was saying I was in love with you because you were going to be famous.
So, it was better to say nothing than have the slightest chance of you thinking that way.
And ever since then I’ve kept my distance in many ways.
Self-preservation, I suppose. You fell in love with Josh, or rather deeper in love with him, seeing as you’ve always been crazy about him.
I remember the posters on your wall at uni.
And I tried to move on. I did move on, for a while.
Then I heard about your diagnosis, and it all came flooding back.
And I felt shitty for the years I’d hardly called or emailed. ’
She narrowed her eyes and her heart sank. ‘So, you felt sorry for me?’
He placed a hand on each of her arms and gazed into her eyes.
‘Not at all. Like I said, you’ve always been strong.
I wanted to be in your life again, have you in my life again, that’s all.
I suppose I wanted to protect you, which I know you don’t need.
’ He laughed. ‘Didn’t stop that instinct kicking in, though.
But no, Angelia, it wasn’t pity that brought me here.
It was love.’ He released his grip on her arms. ‘But you’ve got Ferris, so I’m surplus to requirements really, if we’re both honest. And he’s a great guy.
I actually really like him. He’s given you such confidence.
He’s helped you to realise you have so much more to offer the world.
I wish I’d been the one to do that but you can’t always get what you want.
’ He laughed. ‘And now you’ve got this potentially incredible life ahead of you, and I’m genuinely happy for you.
Because I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy.
’ He swiped at the tears that had trickled down his face. ‘Look, crying like a baby again.’
‘Can I speak now?’
‘Oh, go on then, I suppose,’ he said with a forced chuckle.
‘I thought the photo in your wallet was of Fiona.’
‘Eh?’
‘I thought it was Fiona you loved. I thought, all these years, that you thought the kiss was a huge mistake and it almost broke my heart.’
He shook his head and his brow furrowed. ‘What? No… but the night we were at Glenbrittle, when I told you about Ava finding the photo of you, you said you understood unrequited love. I took that to mean my love for you was unrequited. Like it was your way of letting me down gently.’
She smiled. ‘I didn’t know the photo was of me then, remember?’
His eyes widened. ‘Wait… what are you saying?’
‘What I’m saying, Ed Halsall, is that I’ve loved you since we met too.
Only I thought you didn’t feel the same.
I transferred that love onto Josh because clearly, I hate myself.
’ She laughed. ‘But having you around these past few weeks has brought everything back. All the feelings I had are still there.’
He smoothed her hair away from her face. ‘Angelia MacAuley, are you telling me you love me?’
Angelia stood on her tiptoes. ‘I’m telling you I’ve always loved you.’
His hands slipped into her hair and as if in slow motion his lips connected with hers in a passionate, heartfelt kiss, only this time she knew for sure it was mutual.