43 BEN
BEN
So. This is why they warn you off of falling in love.
I shouldn’t have walked back there. I mean, I meant well. Almost dropped the water bottles I had for them when I heard their voices.
“This is insane! Let me give you the money right now, Janie!”
“I will be okay when I get the second payment from Ben, on January first. I’ll be able to truly breathe again after that. I’m doing okay now because I know it’s coming.”
“Tell him you need it freaking yesterday!”
“Absolutely not. I know he’s a billionaire.
I’m getting used to so much everything all the time.
But he will go overboard. He has already bought me so much and taken care of all of my living expenses, all new meals, a whole freaking dream house in Juniper Falls, and none of that was in the contract. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“Well, right now we need to talk about you and me…”
Maybe I should have stayed in the hallway, listening.
But to hear Janie admit she’s still uptight about the money, the strain in her voice, the sniffing from crying, I had to act. I thought stepping away to call and transfer the money right then was the right move.
It was.
So it releases her from her need for me. Isn’t that what I want now? Why would I want to stay with someone who is in love with someone else? Worse, what’s it say about me that I want to stay, even knowing the truth?
“Even still…”
“Fine! Fine, even with all that I…I still love him…You didn’t expect me to admit that?”
“I really did not.”
Damn it, I wish I hadn’t walked back to tell her I’d heard them and that the money was hers. Hadn’t heard her sultry voice admitting to her best friend that even after everything, she still loves Theo.
Except that all set me up for the final blow, didn’t it?
The phone.
She gave me the code to unlock it so freely, I doubted for a moment. Maybe I’d misunderstood, misheard. Maybe my mind was playing tricks about what she’d said.
But there it was, her phone’s pop up. My phone expects me to unlock it and open DoorDash.
Hers expected her to open The Album which I didn’t click on because I didn’t need to.
I could see the first few photo thumbnails.
All of Theo. She must stare at photos of him at night in her bed while I lie there wishing I could hold her.
What a fool.
“Ugh,” I groan in the stall, probably drawing concern from the one other bloke in this restroom. He’ll suspect stomach pain and he’s not wrong. I do have stomach pain. Chest pain. Headache.
Kill me now, this hurts.
No more stalling. I’ve got to go out there and end it.
She doesn’t want me. She wants Theo. She can have him, go to him, live her life.
She’s got all of the funds now, even the last payment due after the five years.
I sent it all. And hell, I’d give her more if I could, just so she’s set for life, but she said it all made her uncomfortable.
I hear the restroom door open and shut and pull myself together. I stand tall, breathe in and out. I force myself out of the stall and wash my hands, even though I didn’t actually use the facilities.
I walk out and bloody hell. She’s waiting for me.
Her smile is huge and wide, her eyes still teary from reconciling with her friend. I’m so damn jealous of Skye. What would it be like to know Janelle fully? No more walls or shields, no more hiding behind that sass.
“Ben? Are you okay?”
“Hm? Yes, yeah, let’s go get the car,” I say.
She’s staring, brow scrunched up adorably.
We’ve been off all day, ever since she shut me down again last night.
What a miserable sod I am. She tried to warn me again and again that she wouldn’t fall.
But I just kept coming back for more, desperate for whatever tiny bits she was willing to give.
“Here you are, sir,” the valet says as our hired driver pulls our car up.
I nod to Nigel, who’s already come out of nowhere and is climbing in the front passenger seat.
Janelle and I tuck into the back seat and she grabs my hand.
There’s no partition in this car, so instead of saying anything I just squeeze her fingers.
After a short, silent trip to our hotel, we exit the car and head through the lobby. I haven’t looked down at my wife much, afraid of what I’ll see. I can sense she’s more fidgety than usual. And serious.
Finally, at the door to our suite, I can’t take it anymore.
“Listen, Janelle. Janie,” I say, not walking into the doorway.
“Ben? What’s going on?”
“You know,” I start.
“Know what?”
I clear my throat. “You know this isn’t working. We tried the charade but…”
“Wait, Ben, I need to expl—”
“I overhead you and Skye,” I say, cutting her off.
Both of us just breathe, waiting. I close my eyes and silently pray, beg, for her to start rambling about how she didn’t mean it or it wasn’t what it sounded like.
But she just waits. I chance a look down at her, but she’s staring at the floor.
I will myself to speak, “Yeah, so, you were spot on about me. We could’ve worked, I think, in another life.
But I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want to stay in Juniper Falls for Christmas, it’s gone a bit stale, you know?
” She sniffs and nods but says nothing. “I will always care for you,” the words are like sand paper in my throat, “but it’s run its course.
We convinced Dad and Skye, so, yeah, well done, us. ”
She sniffs and her voice is tiny when she looks up, “That’s it? Do I still get the—”
Damn.
Stab me in the chest, someone, anyone, please.
She really did just want the money.
“I’ve sent you the money. All of it,” I cut off her question.
She steps back in surprise, “You did?”
“Yeah, best to leave things cut and dry. You held up your end, I’ve done mine. Think I’ll pop off to London now, see all my old chums. Find some trouble.”
“Don’t we need to make more appearances? For the first year?”
Yes, but I can’t bear to see you.
“I’ll have Mitch text you, but only if we absolutely must, alright?”
She clenches her jaw and looks away, and I’m not sure what that means. I only know I’m bleeding out right here in this historic hotel hallway, my heart puddling onto the carpet. I’ve got to get away or I’m going to start weeping.
“Fine.”
“We’ll stay friends, yeah?” I say reaching out to touch her cheek because I can’t help myself.
She jerks her head away. “Only if we absolutely must.”
I decide to put the nail in the coffin. “I understand it’ll be hard to be just friends with me given how handsome I am, not to mention how great a shag I am, but you’ll have to soldier through.”
“Uh huh.”
Then for what might be the last time, the love of my life rolls her eyes at me.
I swallow, straighten, and walk away.
When I get in the car, Nigel starts to tease me about my sighing again, but stops. Even he can see it’s not the same. I’m not well.
I can only nod and he wordlessly starts driving.
We leave my whole heart behind me as we go.