Chapter 29
Andi
Focus. Focus. Focus. But as I watch the ambulance drive away, lights and sirens spinning on, it’s all I can do not to run after it. To pound on the back door and demand they let me ride with him.
I love you, Andi. What the fuck is wrong with me that I didn’t say it back? All that blood, all that goddamn blood… What if he dies and that’s the last thing he ever said to me and I didn’t say it back?
But I couldn’t. It had sounded like he was saying goodbye. Letting go. And I won’t have any part of that.
“Andi. Ms. Salazar.”
I jerk around at the sound of a quiet voice behind me. Officer Jimmy Moran, a young guy July used to babysit for in high school. Three other officers are with the asshole, cuffing him.
“Whatever you do, don’t let that guy go, Jimmy. I don’t know who he is or what kind of story he’s got, but he attacked me. He had a gun. And when Kevin tackled him, it went off.”
“That’s what I need to talk to you about. I see a gun…” He leans to look around me, which is unusual; lately everyone’s eyes go straight to my chest. To be fair, the girls were always impressive, but pregnancy has made them spectacular, like goddamn monuments to fertility. But he gestures to my back, which is mostly bare on account of me standing here in a running bra.
And oh, shit, I have a gun in my pants.
“Don’t touch!”
Jimmy’s eyes widen at my command, like he thinks I think he’s going to molest me.
“No, I mean, the gun. I put it there so that asshole couldn’t get it back, but I tried to not mess up any prints on it. Is there a way you can take it from me without messing them up?” I can’t give him my sweatshirt because it’s with Kevin. Soaked with Kevin’s precious blood.
My thigh muscles start to shake. “Take it from me, Jimmy, please. I need to sit down. No, I need to get to the hospital to be with Kevin. Can y’all question me there?”
But they don’t let me go immediately. They do carefully take the gun and put it in an evidence bag, and Officer Jimmy leads me to the curb, holding my arm as I lower myself onto it and put my head between my knees. Suddenly I feel the cold and I’m shaking harder, my teeth chattering. Pattie comes outside with two of the big soft sweatshirts we keep in stock and helps me put them both on. She hugs me before an officer leads her away asking what she saw and heard from inside the shelter.
I tell my story to Jimmy and another officer. Answer their questions. Tell them about the folder of threats in my office. Ask Pattie to fetch it for them when she’s done answering questions.
Someone moves Kevin’s car from the street where he’d left it running, door wide open, and brings me his keys. Someone else brings me cocoa. I wrap both hands around the warm cup, answer more questions from the officers, and then a couple of detectives arrive and want to hear it all over again.
“That guy’s saying you and Mr. Mahoney attacked him,” one of them says casually, and rage shoulders aside my shakiness and worry and straightens my spine.
I look the detective straight in the eye. “That’s total bullshit.”
He tips his head, eyebrows raised. “He does look like someone attacked him. Pretty sure he’s got a broken nose. Talking about suing the shelter.”
“If he didn’t want to get beat down, he shouldn’t have jumped out from between parked cars and grabbed me.”
“That when Mr. Mahoney kicked his ass?”
“No, I kicked his ass. Kevin came running up and tackled him after I broke the guy’s nose.” I swallow down a surge of guilt and fear for Kevin. “I didn’t know the guy had a gun until it went off.”
The detective’s eyebrows are up at his hairline now. “ You did that to his face?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m sure Kevin would have been happy to, but he had to get to us first.”
It’s another half an hour or more before they’re finished with me. Pattie’s done with her shift and has come to stand beside me. Our part-time HR person has shown up, too. Pattie’s doing, I’m pretty sure.
“We’re trying to keep everyone inside and away from the front windows to minimize trauma,” Pattie’s saying in one of my ears as HR Jean says, “I’ve started the worker’s comp process for you. I’ll have stuff for you to sign but right now you should go get yourself checked out,” in my other ear.
“Okay, thanks, both of you.” I take my purse from Pattie, who asks if I’d like her to drive me to the hospital.
“No, I’m good, but thanks. Thank everybody for me for all their extra help, okay? We’re going to need to talk to the therapists about helping people process this… I don’t know where I’m going to be tomorrow. It depends on how Kevin’s doing…” My throat seizes up and Pattie squeezes my arm and gives me another hug.
“Don’t worry about us. You call me if you need anything. And tell that sweet man to get well quickly.”
I duck my head in a nod—the best I can do for goodbye at the moment—and head to my car at a run. Drive to the hospital with one hand on my belly. “You okay in there, sweetie? We have to find your daddy.” I try not to think about all that blood. About how pale Kevin looked when they loaded him into the ambulance. How I didn’t say it back when he’d told me he loved me. I have to clench the wheel to stop my hands from shaking.
***
Marnie at the ER and I go way back, from years of me doing hospital advocacy with our clients.
“He said you’d come looking for him,” she tells me when I ask where I can find Kevin. “They took him up to surgery. He was insisting that we make sure you get checked out before you go find him. You got time, anyway; he probably won’t be out of surgery and into recovery for another hour or two.”
Recovery. They expect him to be in recovery within the next couple of hours.
Relief makes me weak and I’m happy to sit and let them check me over.
This wasn’t how I’d intended to announce to the world that I’m pregnant. But it’s good to hear them give me and Lil Bit a clean bill of health after they inspect me from head to toe. And better still to know that Kevin knows Lil Bit’s on the way, so that he’ll have all the more reason to fight to get well.
Because I know he will. Fight to be around for me and our baby. I saw that picture of him holding his newborn niece, awe and joy and wonder on his beautiful, tired face.
Finally they release me and I go straight to the family surgical waiting area. It’s empty, basically tidy but depressing as hell, with dark furniture and blue-gray walls probably meant to be soothing. I take a seat near the door so I’ll see anyone who goes by.
God, this day. It’s been a million hours long, full of every overwhelming emotion in the world, and I am ready for it to be over…but only if Kevin’s going to be okay at the end of it.
Just a little while ago, I was in a chair like this in my office and he was on his knees, strong arms tight around me, tousled head in my lap, telling me he wouldn’t let anybody hurt me or Lil Bit. He’d kissed my belly right here where my hand is now.
And he’d kept his promise.
I didn’t even know that guy had a gun. If Kevin hadn’t tackled him…
Somewhere in the recesses of my memory, the sound of that boom! meets its matches, and all the dread I’ve felt through the years whenever I hear similar sounds rushes to fill me now. Makes air feel too scarce, makes my heart beat too fast.
Please, Gram, look after Kev. Let him be okay.
When I was down in the ER, I scrubbed his blood off my hands and arms, feeling sick and guilty and scared as fuck. But now I see there’s blood on my sweats, too. Dried smears on both my thighs. Fuck. I can’t stop shaking.
Voices in the hallway. I look up, ready to leap if it’s a doctor or nurse from the OR, but it’s my friends, trickling into the room in ones and twos and threes over the next several minutes, all with Band-Aids on their arms, talking over each other to ask about Kevin and say how glad they are that I’m okay. July and Rose settle on either side of me, Joe and Angus on the other sides of them.
“I don’t know anything yet. What’s…?” I gesture to the Band-Aids.
“We gave blood.” July wraps a strong arm around me and squeezes. “Tisha’s down there now with a bunch of the high school folks and some of the restaurant staff. The Blue Shoes are in Charlotte tonight or they’d be here too.”
My eyes fill up so fast I almost can’t see July’s right-hand women from the restaurant, Donna and Tina, coming in with Sonya between them. Former shelter residents, all, and all amazing women. Sonya’s pale but looks oddly energized, her eyes traveling from her inner elbow to Donna’s face. “I did it!” Sounds like she can’t believe it herself.
Donna nods. “You did good.” They wave at me and take seats across the room.
“How’d y’all even know?” Silly question. Word travels fast in this town, and if July hadn’t heard about the shooting right away, Rose would have.
“Pattie called us. They’re organizing the shelter folks to donate blood too. Sounds like they’ve got a lot of volunteers—Kevin’s a popular guy.” July opens the paper bag she’s carrying, unwraps something and hands it to me. My favorite sandwich from the restaurant. Correction— two of my favorite sandwiches. And a banana.
Rose pops up from her seat. “I’m going to go get you something to drink.”
She’s gone before I can protest. Angus moves over to take her place.
“How you holding up?” His voice is low and gruff, his eyes shrewd and warm. He works with people suffering from trauma. He’s probably cataloging all kinds of mental health indicators I’ve never even heard of, just by looking at me.
“I’m okay. Just…really anxious for some good news.”
He nods. Glances toward the door and then back at me. “Heard you beat down somebody else who deserved it.”
“I did. And he definitely did.”
“Good job.” He makes a fist, gently bumps my hand where I’m clutching my sandwich, crumbling Tina’s good bread.
“I didn’t know he had a gun, Angus. And I didn’t even know Kevin was there until the gun went off.”
He nods again, slower this time. “Think you’d have done anything different if you’d known?”
He has the most amazing turquoise eyes. They’re full of patience now as I stare at him. Finally I shake my head. “I don’t know what I would have done.”
“Really no way to know. And then no way to know what that guy would have done next. No need or reason to give yourself a hard time about it, okay? The other guy set it in motion, and then you and Kevin did your very best in a very bad and very unpredictable situation.”
He’s right. I know he’s right. It’s just really hard not to wonder, not to feel terrible, when Kevin’s in the other room having freaking surgery because some asshole attacked me .
For a second I’m back on that sidewalk again, reaching to pick up that gun and then realizing that Kevin is bleeding. That he’s been shot.
Because instead of being the kind of man I’d feared he might be, a guy like my father who would sacrifice us to his ego and his rage and his need for control, Kevin is the kind of man who would sacrifice himself for me and Lil Bit. Without hesitation or a second thought.
Angus squeezes my arm and I’m back in the waiting room again.
Everyone makes small talk as we wait for news. I nibble on the sandwiches, more because I know I should rather than from actual hunger, and drink a ginger ale Rose brought me with a cup of ice from the nurses’ station.
Finally a woman I don’t know comes to the door.
She glances around at all of us waiting. “Ms. Salazar?”
I’m on my feet before I know I’m moving. “Call me Andi.”
“I’m Dr. Travels.” Her scrubs still look crisp. She’s not tall but she’s got a presence about her. A barely contained energy. Smooth dark skin and bright mischievous eyes. “Kevin told us to give you his updates. He said you’re his ‘person.’” Her eyes crinkle and I almost smile back. “He came through surgery just fine; the wound was a graze, deep enough to nick the artery, but we think it must have hit him after it ricocheted off some other surface, maybe the sidewalk. That’s good; it probably would have done more damage otherwise. We repaired the artery, got the wound cleaned and stitched, and he’s in recovery now. We’re preparing a room for him; he needs to stay still for a day or so. You should be able to see him in about an hour. A nurse will come get you when it’s time. Do you have any questions for me?”
Usually I’m calm in emergencies, including hospital-type emergencies. Tonight I’ve got nothing. “My mind is blank, Doc. But he’s okay… He’s really going to be okay?”
“He’ll have to take it easy for a while, but I expect him to make a full recovery.”
Rose and July each have an arm around my back.
I nod my thanks, unable to speak without bawling like a baby.
“I’ll see you in the morning, then, if you’re here for rounds. The nursing staff will keep me updated tonight.” She touches my arm, crinkles those eyes at me again, and leaves the room.
July and Rose steer me to my seat. I tip my head back against the wall, listen to the sounds of happy conversation rising around me, and let silent tears of relief slide down my temples and into my ears.