Round Forty-Five
OLLIE
“Are you sure you wanna do this?” I take her hand in mine as the others file out and close the door. Tugging her to her feet and setting the kitten back on the floor, I cup her cheeks and wipe the incessant tears from beneath her eyes.
Each time I clear the moisture away, more falls.
“You’re in charge, Rose. Everything that happens from here on out is your choice.”
Not mine.
Not ours.
Which means I’m fucked, trapped on this ride that might send me to the depths of hell, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
“I’m not sure.” She wraps her hands around my wrists, sniffling and looking anywhere but into my eyes. “I’m not sure at all. But it’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?”
Yes.
No.
Fuck. I don’t know.
“I think the right thing is whatever you want.”
“But what about what he wants?” Her breath catches in her throat. “If he’s my fiancé, then he deserves…”
“It doesn’t matter what he wants.” I mop the fresh tears from her cheeks and tilt her head back, forcing her to meet my eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what he deserves. Because maybe he’s the main character in his life, but you’re the main character in yours.
And yours is the only one that matters to me. ”
“What if it were you?” she whimpers. “What if you and I were together and in love, and maybe even set to be married?”
We are together. And in love. And in my mind, we’ve already spoken our vows, dammit!
“What if we had a whole life together, and then something happened and I forgot who you are, and then, when you finally found me, I just…” She blinks, blinks, blinks fresh tears onto her cheeks. “I didn’t even talk to you? Wouldn’t that be wrong?”
“Rose?” Ramone pokes his head back into the room, his eyes softening as we turn. “Sorry. We’re ready for you now.”
“Tell me not to go,” she whispers, choking on her tears and tugging me back around. “Tell me it’s alright to ignore he even exists.”
“I can’t… I don’t…” I shake my head, closing my throat to stop the groan desperately clawing its way upward. “I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you that what you want matters. That your decision is final.”
“But I don’t know what I want! I mean…” She moans. “I do. I want to pretend today never happened.” She drags my hands down and buries her face against my chest instead. “I want to go back in time, where it’s just me and you. I want him not to exist.”
“Rose—”
“But he does exist, and he’s right there in the next room. I don’t know him, I don’t remember him, but every time I look at him, I think how awful this would be if things were the other way around, and it was you I’d forgotten. If it were you I’d left behind.”
And all I can think is, what if you loved him as much as you love me? Or more? And what the fuck am I supposed to do if you remember it all and leave?
But I can’t say any of that. I can’t say a damn thing.
Drawing a long, aching breath, I tug her closer and hold her as tight as I can. Exhaling warm air against her scalp, I close my eyes and prepare myself for a reality where my worst nightmares come true.
“As your treating physician,” I rasp. “I think you should do all things possible to help recover your memories.”
Every word I speak hurts. Every fucking sound I make is a war against my instincts and better judgment.
“We’ve been working on your recovery since the start.
” I press my chin to the top of her head and stare at the ceiling.
Aching. Burning. Destroying myself if it means helping her.
“We did the interview, hoping for this exact outcome. We’ve been playing Uno every single day for three months, wishing it would help you.
” Just don’t fall in love again, Rose. I beg you.
“It’s a controlled environment. You’re safe in there. So I suppose…”
“Talk to him.” She shivers, cold just like she was when she was new at the hospital. Trembling, like we’re in February all over again, and her life is out of control. Drawing a long breath, she exhales again, quivering with an ache I know all too well. “Would you come in with me?”
I choke out a laugh and quickly swallow that fucker back down again.
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.
” Pulling back, I sniff and meet her eyes.
“If you insist, if you really, truly need me to, then I will. Because what you want matters more than literally anything else in the world. But I don’t…
” I shake my head. “I’m not sure I could be in there without making things weird.
But Billy and Ramone will be with you. Whichever you want.
Or Cliff,” I add, knowing he would do it.
No hesitation. No doubt. “Or I could call Eliza. Or Alana. Or literally anyone you want.”
Please, please don’t make me play nice with the man who might have already secured your heart.
“Rose?” Ramone tries again.
“Yeah.” She swipes her nose and takes a step back, scrubbing tears from her cheeks. Then she scoops the cat up and cuddles her to her chest. It’s quick. It’s pure. And then it’s done, as she passes Poopy to me and straightens her spine.
So fucking brave. So perfect. So terrified.
“I’m ready.” She slips through the gap between Ramone and the doorframe, and moving into the space outside, she steels herself for what’s to come.
I’m a fucking coward. I’m a pussy. I’m the worst fucking excuse for a man there is, because she needs me to be at least half as brave as she is, and here I am, on the wrong side of the glass, hugging a cat.
“You couldn’t go in, because you didn’t wanna make it weird?” Ramone closes the door and wanders across, digging his hands into his pockets as he moves. “Or because you worried you’ll snap his neck and take the choice out of her hands?”
“The second one.” I lay a whiny Poopy on my shoulder and scratch behind her ears. “How’s she meant to walk in there and talk to the guy who is, if we take him at his word, her fiancé, but she’s bringing her lover along? How’s that supposed to create a healthy space to talk?”
“Her lover?” He stops beside me, his shoulder brushing mine, so we’re both facing the glass. “Is that what you are? Just a dirty vacation fling while she’s out here in Plainview experiencing a medical episode?”
I glance his way, my jaw gritting and my teeth gnashing.
“You think he’ll be understanding about what you two have? Like, it’s totally cool, babe. You forgot I existed, so I’m completely okay with the fact you’re shacking up with someone else now.”
“You keep labeling us,” I grit out. “Dirty vacation fling. Shacking up. It’s pissing me off.”
“And yet, you send her in there without you.” He rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes flickering to the opening door in the next room.
“We’ll pull her out if it starts going bad.
” He shifts on his feet, widening his stance just a fraction, the way we do at the gym. “Billy isn’t sleeping on the job.”