FOUR #2
Warmth enfolds me completely as his hand covers mine, our food abandoned on the low table, the move sparking such familiarity it’s hard to breathe when he tightens his hold on me.
“Sam, I—”
A loud, beeping sound pierces the quiet, stopping whatever Devon was going to say.
For a moment, I think he’s not going to answer his phone, but then he sighs, his hand falling from mine, mine slipping off him as well, as he reaches for the device.
My hand feels oddly cold now.
“Yes.”
All it takes is one word for his whole demeanor to change. His earlier softness and warmth melt away before me, leaving in its place the sharp, coolly polite businessman everyone sees every day.
Not with me.
He’s not like that with me. He never has been.
He’s always been gentle towards me. Playful. Lighter.
Does he feel like he’s free to be as he likes with me because of our short, shared past?
Do I make him feel like he can?
That thought is enough to flood my chest with immeasurable pleasure.
“Any status updates?”
The person on the other side of the line says something, his voice travelling like static noise before Devon nods.
“Good. Keep me informed of any changes.”
Devon ends the call, setting the phone down and rubbing his eyes.
“Is everything alright?” The question slips out before I can stop it. It’s absolutely none of my business, but I can’t not ask him when it looks as if someone just dropped the weight of this entire building on his shoulders.
His gaze meets mine, his eyes reflecting the cloudy skies outside. In more ways than one.
“It is.” The smile that pulls at his lips is nothing like his earlier carefree grin. “I’ve got everything under control. There’s just a lot on my plate.”
I hate seeing him like this.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
My heartbeat stutters when he gives me his Devon smile—the one that makes his dimple pop.
The one that makes me feel like a schoolboy with a crush.
Which is absolutely not the case.
This is so far from a crush it’s not even funny.
“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
I had your baby. And I’m terrified of telling you.
The words burn inside me with a ferocity that steals the breath from my lungs, so much so that my voice is far hoarser than it should be when I speak.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything.”
I scramble to think of something interesting to tell him, but my life is as mundane as it gets. It’s plain, filled with simple, everyday moments. Filled with Eli.
“I love grocery shopping.”
I don’t know why I thought his reaction would be different.
Why I thought he might laugh, or show in any way that it’s a silly thing for someone to love.
Why I thought he would do anything else than smile even wider at me.
“What do you love about it?”
He leans back, getting comfortable, and I do the same, both of us picking up our sandwiches again.
My shoulder and entire right side melt into the leather cushion as I angle my body towards him.
“Everything.” I grin. “Rolling my cart up and down the aisles, looking for new findings, forgetting half the things I wanted to get despite writing them down, and substituting them with other stuff I definitely shouldn’t be buying.
” Devon laughs—as best as he can since he’s trying to eat at the same time.
“It’s true! Doesn’t it happen to you? I swear, there hasn’t been one single time when there isn’t something—sometimes of crucial importance—missing. ”
I resume my eating, which a big mistake.
“I don’t know. I have my groceries delivered.”
My chewing pauses, and I just blink at him.
“You have your groceries delivered,” I repeat when I have swallowed.
His lips twitch like mad. “Yep.”
I sigh, shaking my head, and his next word comes out choked-out from the laughter he’s trying to suppress. “What?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in my life.”
“But it’s practical,” he continues, digging himself an even bigger hole.
“Oh my God, stop it, Devon. You’re only making it worse.”
We stare at each other for all of two seconds before we’re both chuckling, the next few minutes passing in companionable silence as we finish off our lunch.
“You could show me some day.” His deep voice reaches me, drawing my eyes to his once more. “How to do grocery shopping properly.”
Wild yearning slams into me with enough force to leave me dizzy, my pulse thundering in my throat.
I want that. I want to take him to my favorite place where they always have the best sweet snacks. I want to take a walk with him afterwards and let the late, evening breeze wrap me in his scent. I want it so much.
But…
“Spend time outside of work? I don’t know if—” If I can handle that. If I can manage to maintain any sort of distance from you after that. If I won’t be begging you to touch me as soon as I’m around you more than I already am.
Something flashes in his expression, something that is gone before I can understand what it is. But his eyes shutter, the gray in them suddenly duller.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you in this position. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He aims a small smile at me that I instantly hate. “Please, forget I said anything.”
This is the right thing. I know it is.
There’s no way I can be friendly with him without wanting more. So much more.
It’s the only way I can remain somewhat professional.
He gets up, just as the reminder that he’s got fifteen minutes to his next call goes off.
Devon has almost reached his desk when he turns to look at me, and I realize I haven’t moved an inch from my spot.
He smiles at me as warmly as he always does.
“Thank you for lunch, Sammy.”
And somehow, hearing that name now hurts. It hurts long after I’m back at my own desk, working on autopilot.
I never even got to ask him to tell me something about himself, too.
My chest squeezes at the idea that I might never get the chance now.