Chapter 11 #2
“Oh, no. That’s okay.” A ride would mean crossing the line into the world he doesn’t want me in.
“You don’t want to? You loved being on the back of my bike whenever we came back to your place from having drinks with Frankie. You’ll love the stang. More room for activities.” Hash winks.
There it is again.
Now I’m thinking the flowers meant more than the apology I thought it was.
“What do you think is happening here, Hash?” I finally ask as I set my plate down.
“I’m winning you back, Aisling,” Hash says, his voice low and final.
My stomach is in my throat at his admission.
“You can’t win back something that you never had,” I lie through my teeth. He had me. All he had to do was reach, but instead he let me go.
“I didn’t?” Hash challenges daring me to tell him he’s wrong.
“I told you I don’t want to argue in front of Cormac,” I snap.
“We’re just having a conversation, babe. You’re the one catching an attitude.”
“I’m catching an attitude because you’re acting like you brought me fully into your life like I was yours. I wasn’t. I didn’t even know you had a Mustang!”
“Did it ever occur to you that you never asked?”
“You can’t be serious,” I whisper in angry shock. “I shouldn’t have to ask for every little thing I want from you. You should just know what I need. Like the man you’ve been for the last twenty-four hours? That’s what I wanted.”
“You’ve always had me, Aisling. Did you read the note with the flowers?”
“I thought it was an apology.”
“It was. But what you need to also get is that I’m not going anywhere.”
“Well, I would hope not. Like I said last night, I don’t want Cormac’s dad in and out of his life.”
Hash shakes his head. “You’re not getting it, and that’s okay. You will eventually.”
“I don’t know what that means, Hash.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”
Taking a bite of pizza, I study him as I chew.
I think he’s in over his head with this. He’s so stuck on making up for lost time that he isn’t realizing what kind of responsibility he’s trying to take on. You can’t walk away when it doesn’t suit you anymore.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared of something in my life than I will be when he decides to wake up and realize this isn’t for him.
It’s going to destroy me.
But I’ll keep going because Cormac needs me.
“You want to come by the clubhouse this weekend?” Hash asks, shocking me.
I start to choke on my pizza at the unexpected question.
“Oh, shit.” Hash jumps up and pats me on the back. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good,” I choke out, waving him off as I reach for my drink. Once I’m sure I won’t erupt in another coughing fit, I ask, “It’s a little soon for that, don’t you think?”
And why now?
After all this time, now you want me to meet them? Is it just because you have a kid now? It hurts that he’s the only reason things changed.
“Do you not want to meet them?” Hash asks, leveling his gaze at me.
“Okay,” I say as I scooch to the edge of my seat, placing my hands on my knees and sliding them up and down my thighs.
“We need to get on the same page. I wanted to meet your family two years ago, Hash. I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.
I think for now it would be best to take this slow and see how things pan out. ”
Hash swallows. “I’m not trying to guilt-trip you, Aisling,” he says, his voice low.
Just as I’m about to respond, Cormac squeals from his high chair, letting me know that he’s done eating.
Hash stands at the same time I do.
“I got him.” Hash moves to clean him up.
“I’m just going to throw him in the tub and get him ready for bed. He’s had a long day.” I grab Cormac out of his high chair.
It was a petty move, but I don’t care. I’m one more remark of him acting like there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing from punching him in the face. The anger I feel towards him doesn’t seem to be going away. And nights with him like tonight, feel like it’s suffocating me.
I hope he leaves.
This was a mistake.
“Let’s go take a bath, little man.” I kiss Cormac’s cheek as I bring him into the bathroom and draw his bath.
The mom guilt was eating at me today as I picked him up from Frankie’s and dropped him off at daycare. I don’t enjoy being away from him anymore than I have to, especially when it’s having to bring up the past.
Forty minutes later, Cormac is bathed, has had his milk and is dressed in his pajamas and is knocked out in his crib. I quietly tiptoe out of his room and gently shut the door, making sure not to wake him.
I don’t hear any noise coming from the kitchen or living area as I dash into my room to change and grab the baby monitor.
I slip on a pair of black yoga pants and a black scoop next tee that fits a little too tight around the girls.
Ever since I got pregnant, my boobs grew to what feel like fucking melons.
Breastfeeding has kept them just as big.
Is it bad that I hope he left?
I hold my breath as I walk down the hall and turn the corner, anxious to see what’s waiting for me on the other side.
All evidence of dinner is gone and Cormac’s high chair is cleaned up, but there’s no sign of Hash. Even my drink is gone.
A spark out of the kitchen window catches my eye.
Motherfucker.
Marching over to the slider, I throw it open and step outside.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I hiss as I continue my march over to Hash, who is casually lounging on my patio furniture like he owns the place.
He’s also smoking a joint.
“Waiting on your ass. What does it look like?” Hash asks as he takes a hit and outstretches his arm in my direction, offering it to me.
I stare at the joint, wondering if he’s lost his goddamn mind.
“Are you going to take it? It’s burning, and you’re wasting good shit right now.” Hash shakes his head.
“No,” I say, sassier than intended as I sit on the other end of the outdoor patio couch. “I’m still breastfeeding.”
Hash’s attention locks onto my boobs. “No wonder why Cormac is a chunk. I’m sure he’s eating real good with those knockers.”
“That’s not why.” I roll my eyes. Guys are so fucking stupid.
“You can’t push me out that easily, baby doll.” Hash changes the subject, making my eyes widen.
“I wasn’t trying to push you out,” I lie.
I was.
I so totally was.
“You were.” Hash leans over and grabs my legs, lifting them up onto the couch and placing my feet in his lap. My body sinks into the cushion of its own accord as Hash starts to rub my feet. “Feel good?”
“Yeah,” I mumble.
“You work too hard. On your feet all day and then taking care of our boy. It amazes me watching you handle it all.”
“I don’t really have a choice.” Unlike you is what I wanted to add but didn’t.
My pettiness has seemed to be taken down a level from the foot rub. I finally feel mellowed out.
“About that,” Hash says, picking up on what I didn’t say as he leans forward and takes an envelope out of his back pocket. He gently tosses it into my lap. “Here.”
“What’s this?” I ask, taking the envelope and opening it.
Inside is a stack of bills.
Hundred-dollar bills, to be exact.
“What’s this?” I repeat, my mellow mood disappeared as fast as it came.
“Some money. I don’t want you working so hard. I’m trying to make up for what I should have been doing all along.”
I dig the nail on my index finger into the side of my thumb until I feel a pinch to try to keep myself from crashing out.
“That’s just a start,” Hash continues, either oblivious to my silence or he’s ignoring it. “I’ll bring more next time.”
There has to be at least a few thousand in the envelope.
The pinching pain isn’t enough.
Without thinking, in a blind rage of anger, I see red. Taking the envelope of cash, I chuck it as hard as I can at his face. It falls short, hitting him in his chest with a soft thud and flopping into his lap.
“Fuck you!” I yell.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Hash growls as he grabs the cash.
My brow hits my hairline as my eyes widen. “What’s my problem?” I hiss. “My problem is you think you can waltz back into my life and throw money at me like that solves everything.”
“I’m going to take care of what’s mine,” Hash says, his voice final.
“Why did it take a baby for you to do that?” I exclaim, my voice rising again. “Be honest, if you had seen me at Rhythm and Brews without Cormac, would you be sitting here right now?”
“Are you fucking serious with this shit right now?”
“Yes, Hash! I don’t think I can be any more serious than I am right now without smacking you on top of the head until you get it.”
“Watch it, baby doll,” Hash warns.
“You watch it!” I snap back. “And you know what I don’t hear? You answering my fucking question.”
“Jesus, you’re a piece of fucking work. Yes, I would still be right here!
You’ve been fucking with my head for two years straight.
There hasn’t been one single day that I haven’t wondered what you were doing or who you were with.
When I saw cherry-cola hair moving away from me when I was up on that stage, I knew I had to take my shot in seeing if it was you.
I didn’t see a goddamn stroller, and I sure as hell didn’t see my son.
So, to answer your question, yes, Aisling.
My ass would be right here, Cormac or not. ”
The hard lines around Hash’s eyes are screaming at me as his hard stare holds me captive.
“Got me?” Hash asks, the warning clear.
“Got you,” I repeat softly.
“Now, I’m going to get going and let you get to bed. I know you’ve had a long day. Don’t insult me again and take the fucking cash.” Hash holds the envelope out. This time I take it, not wanting to risk setting him off again. “I’ll swing by around noon on Saturday to pick you guys up.”
Uh, what?
I don’t remember agreeing to go anywhere with him.
“Pick us up for what?”
“You and Cormac are coming to the clubhouse. And Aisling?” Hash pauses, waiting until he has my undivided attention. “That isn’t a request.”