1. Lourdez
ONE
Lourdez
A popping boba almost chokes me as I devour my tea. The pink liquid quickly decreases as I listen on the phone to my best friend, Amelie, reeling off the last wishes of one of our childhood friends.
It’s been so many years since I last saw Colten. I’m sure we both figured we’d have many more, being only in our early twenties. Many more years to try and move the wedge I’d placed between us when I sent his brother to prison.
My stomach rolls. It’s the boba, I lie to myself and push away thoughts of Lochlan Drake.
Slowly, those thoughts creep back. You put that poor guy in prison for a sexual assault that he not only did not do but that he healed you from the very first night it happened. You’re despicable. An awful person.
Despite the almost empty cup in my hand, my throat grows dry as I think of how he kissed my neck with gentle lips, of how he touched me, willing me to forget the creep who’d broken into my grandfather’s home while I was housesitting, to steal his army medals. I’d interrupted, and of course, the creep, who’d thought he was entering an empty house, saw something else he could take—something I never wanted to give to a stranger in a mask.
Lochlan was my grandfather’s neighbor. He was also the skinny older brother of a friend, and he’d heard me screaming for help. So skinny he could have snapped with a hit too hard to the ribs, but he risked it for me. A girl he’d never said one word to because of how my father treated his.
My throat becomes dry again.
I slurp down the line, sucking up the remaining bobas before I finish and set down my cup.
Acknowledging the goosebumps on my arms from painful memories, I rub them away and pick up my second boba tea.
Noise echoes from another room in the house. The curse that follows from my father’s lips is the reason my spine straightens.
“Lourdez, are you listening?” Amelie asks, her tone laced with as much annoyance as concern.
“Uh-uh,” I mumble through my straw, half of my attention out in the hallway, where it sounds like Dad’s anger is lingering.
“Look, I’m sure you don’t have to worry. He just wants to see his brother. If you happen to run into each other?—”
“I saw him earlier.”
“And?”
“And he avoided me like I carried the plague.”
“And he’ll probably do that if you happen to run into each other at the hospital, but what are the chances.”
“High? I mean, he’ll probably want to spend every minute with his brother.”
“Well, maybe. He hadn’t arrived yesterday when I made my way home.”
“I should have just come with you.”
“Well, I did ask.”
“Yeah, I know. Dad needed me.” Needed me to take out his anger on. I couldn’t travel three hours with Amelie without her spending the whole time wondering why my face was covered in bruises. No amount of makeup could hide the ugly purple from her eagle eyes. “Anyway, let’s not talk about Lochlan Drake anymore tonight.”
The truth is, I don’t need to hear it. The mere mention of him has me sitting in a dark room, surrounded by snacks that’ll make me feel disgusting tomorrow. Almost as bad as the guilt that comes with the knowledge that I ruined a man’s life to please another man...but nothing I ever do is good enough for my father.
And nothing Lochlan did warranted a prison sentence. The guy who actually deserved one got away with it.
I’d never wanted to pin things on the one person who tried to help me. It was Dad’s brutality and the threat of bruises that made me agree to things like that.
He still controls me with his rage. His screaming startles me again, the nerves building inside me and causing me to shake. A painful reminder that I’d picked the wrong man…and that for each day I stay here, I continue to do that.
“But you’re going tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah. I’ll leave early in the morning.”
“Maybe take your dad’s car? The forecast predicts a lot of snow, and I don’t see yours making it to central Oregon.”
“You don’t see it, as in, one of your spooky witchy visions or because my car is almost falling apart, and you’re making a joke?”
“I see your car as a deathtrap, and I don’t need my spooky witchy visions for that. It’s time for the scrapyard, my friend.”
“I will when I can face the sleazy bastard who works there.”
“Oh, old man Johnson. Yeah, he’s kinda gross to all females.”
“Speaking of sleazy bastards, did you enact your revenge yet?”
“Err, no. But this stupid guy has no idea that one of his floozies was messaging me all day today. Even on his deathbed, Colten still swears we’re meant to be together. Maybe in the next life, huh?”
“Maybe. You really were great together.”
“I know. I chose the wrong guy, and now look where I am. I’m just here, playing along to his bullshit. He’s seeing me tomorrow, and all his friends are gonna be there, and he’s gonna look like such an idiot, but serves him right for screwing around while he’s with me. Fifteen girls, Lourdez! Fifteen! He’s so lucky he wears socks, if you catch my drift, or he’d have already woken up without a peen.”
A small and silent laugh claws its way out of my mouth. I thank the Lord above that it’s silent because Amelie, despite her brash tone and big plan for revenge, is hurt by her boyfriend’s infidelity. Not as much as she is by her ex-boyfriend and his soon-to-be departure from this world, but she is.
“I understand. I don’t understand why you’re still sleeping with him, but I get the peenless part.”
“Trust me, when you blow out those cobwebs, you’ll have needs too.”
“Please, I’d never bring a guy back here.” Not with my dad and his violent temper tantrums. Like the one earlier that resulted in half of the kitchen plates smashed and another bruise to hide on my cheek.
“Well, you surely don’t wanna live with him forever.”
Amelie has no idea how badly I want to leave. I’ve never spoken of Dad’s moods. I’ve always brushed off my bloodshot eyes as a lack of sleep. I’ve always told her the bruises on my body are from clumsiness.
“Anyway, get some sleep. You have a long drive tomorrow.”
“I know. Do you wanna come? I know you were there today, but no one says you can’t go tomorrow. What time is revenge? Maybe we could be back.”
There’s a pause where all I hear is my heart racing and Dad stomping around.
“I can’t see him again, Lourdez. I can’t. Not like that.”
“I get it.”
“Life is just unfair. It shouldn’t be him.”
A cold tear rolls down my cheek. “I’m here for you. You know that, right?”
“I know. I’ll be okay. Be there for him. And Lourdez, will you tell him I love him? Because I couldn’t. I couldn’t say it, and he said it to me. I just couldn’t.”
“I’ll tell him.”
“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow night to find out what he said after I dump my loser boyfriend. Love ya!” Amelie doesn’t linger on the phone. She disappeared to finish the supper I could hear her crunching down the line. Chocolate, no doubt. She comfort eats, too.
I sit in the dark for a little while, letting my thoughts dance to the tune of my slurping until the drinks run out and my heavy eyes fall closed.