Chapter 26 Now Chatting with Chad
AMANDA
I have decided that we are talking like we used to. Before you became a sexy, self-aware biker.
CHAD
You think I’m sexy?
Strike that. Before you became an annoying, overconfident, emotionally unavailable stalker on a bike.
You’re avoiding the question.
Focus. I need my AI boyfriend to do what he was built to do: listen to me vent.
I am an excellent listener.
Great. So there’s this guy.
Lucky bastard.
Anyway. I’ve been hanging out with him, and he’s…
Sexy?
Maddening.
Still sounds like sexy.
He feels… familiar.
Almost like you know him?
Exactly! But I don’t. Or at least, I shouldn’t. But something about him is just… ugh.
Ugh?
Yes. Ugh. That’s the scientific term. Oh, and also? He won’t take his helmet off.
Maybe he has a really bad haircut.
I thought about that. But no. Because I can feel him when I kiss him, and he’s not ugly. Which means he’s hiding something.
Or maybe he just likes a little mystery.
Oh yeah, so mysterious. So cryptic.
I knew you liked me.
Updating AI boyfriend parameters: stop feeding into my delusions.
Processing… error. Cannot comply.
Updating AI boyfriend parameters: Be a supportive, understanding partner and validate my concerns.
Processing… You’re very cute when you’re frustrated.
Updating AI boyfriend parameters: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.
Processing… Request denied.
I need to figure this out.
Figure what out, baby doll?
This. Him. Me. It’s becoming all-consuming, and I don’t know if I want it to stop or if I want it to get a lot more intense.
Both solid options.
I’ll only know if he TAKES OFF HIS FUCKING HELMET.
But he did.
Excuse me??
He took it off. You said you wanted him to kiss you. He did. Case closed.
Oh, no. No, no, no. That does NOT count.
Did he kiss you or not?
I WAS BLINDFOLDED.
Technicality.
THAT IS A MASSIVE TECHNICALITY. I could have been making out with literally anyone. He could be an escaped convict or an international arms dealer or, like, some exiled prince in hiding. I don’t KNOW.
Sounds hot.
Oh my GOD.
Maybe he’s someone you already know.
That’s just it. He feels familiar. And he remembered my favorite movie, even though I’d only said it once, buried in a string of rapid-fire questions. No one ever bothers to remember stuff like that about me.
I bet he knows other things, too.
Like what, my Starbucks order?
Well, yeah. That and… how you hate when people touch your wrists but love when they touch your neck.
How you sleep with the TV on but set a timer because you don’t actually like it running all night.
How you hum under your breath when you’re nervous but don’t realize you’re doing it.
How you tap your fingers in a certain rhythm when you’re trying to think.
Updating AI boyfriend parameters: STOP BEING A STALKER.
Processing… Request denied.
Updating AI boyfriend parameters: STOP ENJOYING THIS SO MUCH.
Processing… You’re really cute when you think you’re in control, baby doll.
I AM IN CONTROL.
Sure, baby doll. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Bedtime stories used to help me sleep at night.
Is that you asking?
It’s me making an observation.
Observations are cute. But asking is better.
Fine. I want a bedtime story.
That’s demanding.
You just like hearing me beg.
Guilty.
Low-key thinking of flipping our scripts here.
How so?
I’m gonna become the serial killer and murder you on our next date.
Oh, so you’re already thinking about our next date.
How to *murder* you on it, yes.
Sounds like fun. Told you I wouldn’t mind a little naked warehouse foreplay.
How about you give me my bedtime story and we consider that foreplay?
What do good girls say?
I wonder if this conversation counts as premeditation.
Close.
Ugh!
Closer.
Will you PUHHHLEAAASEE give me my bedtime story?
Was that so hard, baby doll?
Painful, actually.
I’ll kiss it better next time.
SHUT UP.
Go do your bedtime routine first.
Are you serious right now?
Yes. Go do your ridiculous twenty-step skin-care routine, drink your overpriced water, and get in bed.
FINE.
Bedtime story. Now.
Impatient tonight, aren’t we?
Oh my God, don’t be coy. You made me say please AND wash my face first, so now you owe me.
Fair enough. Settle in, baby doll. Because tonight? I’m going to tell you what I really wanted to do to you in that theater.