Chapter 44 A Poem
CHAD
Made it home safe. In case you were wondering.
Which you probably weren’t.
But thought I’d mention it anyway.
THURSDAY, MAY 29, 12:33 A.M.
You know, I’ve been thinking about what you said.
About trust.
You’re right. I fucked that up completely.
THURSDAY, MAY 29, 6:15 A.M.
Remember when you asked me if I was Batman?
Turns out I’m more like the shitty knockoff version.
Dark Knight, my ass. More like Disappointing Knight.
THURSDAY, MAY 29, 6:18 A.M.
That was a terrible joke. Sorry.
I’m not good at this.
THURSDAY, MAY 29, 2:47 P.M.
I keep staring at my phone waiting for you to text back.
Even though I know you won’t.
Even though I don’t deserve you to.
THURSDAY, MAY 29, 8:22 P.M.
I threw away my helmet.
Seemed stupid to keep hiding behind it now.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 3:41 A.M.
Do you remember our wedding night?
You wore my ring on your thumb because it was too big for your finger.
You said you’d get it resized, but you never did.
You liked the way it looked oversize. Said it made you feel like you were wearing armor.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 3:45 A.M.
I wonder if you still have it.
The ring.
Probably threw it away. I would have.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 3:46 A.M.
That’s a lie. I could never throw anything away that reminded me of you.
I still have the receipt from that shitty diner where we had breakfast the morning after we got married.
You ordered pancakes and ate exactly three bites.
Said you were too happy to be hungry.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 3:52 A.M.
I’ve been carrying that receipt in my wallet for eight years.
Pathetic, right?
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 11:28 A.M.
I know you’re reading these.
The read receipts are on.
But I get it. I get why you’re not responding.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 11:31 A.M.
I lied to you.
Made you fall for a version of me that wasn’t entirely real.
How is that any different from what I did eight years ago?
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 11:33 A.M.
Except it is different.
Because this time, I was trying to find my way back to you.
Not running away.
FRIDAY, MAY 30, 7:19 P.M.
You asked me why I didn’t trust you with the truth.
The real answer? I was scared you’d hate me.
Turns out you hate me anyway.
So I was just a coward for nothing.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 1:15 A.M.
I keep thinking about that night at the shooting range.
The way you felt in my arms.
Like you belonged there.
Like we belonged together.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 1:18 A.M.
I know I don’t get to miss you.
I know I gave up that right eight years ago.
But I do miss you.
I miss you so much it feels like drowning.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 1:22 A.M.
I used to have nightmares about you dying.
But this is worse.
This is watching you live without me.
Watching you be better off without me.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 2:45 A.M.
You were right about everything.
I was selfish. I was a coward.
I took away your choice.
I broke you and then acted like I was the hero for staying away.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 4:33 A.M.
If I could go back…
If I could do it all over again…
I would have told you everything. The threats, the danger, all of it.
I would have trusted you to make your own choices.
Even if that choice was to leave me.
SATURDAY, MAY 31, 4:35 A.M.
At least, then you would have known I loved you enough to trust you with the truth.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:27 A.M.
I’m not going to keep texting you.
I know this isn’t helping.
I know I’m just making it worse.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:29 A.M.
But I need you to know one thing.
Everything I told you as Chad was real.
My feelings for you. The way you make me laugh. How proud I am of who you’ve become.
The way I fall in love with you a little more every time you do something brave.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:32 A.M.
You are the strongest, most beautiful, most infuriating woman I’ve ever known.
And losing you twice is going to kill me.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:35 A.M.
But if that’s what it takes for you to be happy…
If you need me gone to move on with your life…
Then I’ll go.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:38 A.M.
I love you, Amanda.
I’ve loved you every day for eight years.
Even when I was too much of a coward to tell you.
Even when I thought loving you from a distance was enough.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:40 A.M.
It was never enough.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 10:43 A.M.
Take care of yourself, baby doll.
You deserve the world.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you.
CHAD IS NO LONGER ACTIVE