Chapter 49 You Can’t Doordash Closure
AMANDA
I walk into Raven’s apartment still feeling the ghost of Kade’s body pressed against mine, his parting words playing on repeat.
“Thank you for giving me a chance,” he said as I climbed off the bike, his voice soft through the helmet. “I know I don’t deserve it.”
And then, because he’s committed to being emotionally devastating at every opportunity: “You look beautiful, by the way. You always do.”
I should have had a witty comeback. Or said something dismissive and cutting. But the fight has nearly left me now. So I just nodded and made my way upstairs.
Raven opens the door with her hand held out. “Thai food order. Now.” But as she sees my face, her expression shifts.
I try to smile weakly. “DoorDash says it’s on its way here.”
She steps aside, and I walk in, getting a good look at her apartment. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and somehow she’s managed to make the place even more aggressively Ravenesque than before.
The walls are painted a matte black, but everything else is white or various shades of purple and lavender. Fairy lights are strung everywhere, casting a warm, ethereal glow and transforming the whole place into a magical cave.
She has plants. So many plants. Hanging from the ceiling, perched on every available surface, cascading down from floating shelves like some kind of indoor jungle.
I count at least three different types of ivy, several succulents that look suspiciously well cared for, and what appears to be a small lemon tree in the corner that has no business thriving in a downtown apartment but somehow does anyway.
And then the anime plushies. Dozens of them, scattered across the white sectional sofa and arranged on shelves between the plants.
I spot several characters I recognize from shows she’s tried to get me to watch, plus a few that look like they might be from some kind of magical girl series based on their elaborate costumes and weapons.
“Your apartment looks like what would happen if Tim Burton and Martha Stewart had a baby and raised it on Studio Ghibli movies,” I announce, trying hard to sound like myself as I flop down onto her sofa and immediately get attacked by what appears to be a very soft cat-shaped pillow.
“Amanda, you okay?”
I nod and furrow my brows. “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just…” The words stick in my throat, and I have to look away as tears start to well in my eyes.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” she asks slowly.
I shake my head, my lips frowning involuntarily as I try to keep them in a straight line.
I grab a spare pair of headphones from Raven’s collection—she has like six pairs, because serious gamers need backup headphones the way I need backup lipstick—and log into my character.
The familiar loading screen grounds me, like I’m stepping into a world where the rules make sense and my biggest problem is which weapon to use against digital bad guys.
“Can we just play a little?” I ask.
Raven nods, like she can sense that I’m not at a point where I can talk about anything just yet, and settles into her gaming chair.
“Hey, is that my favorite assassin logging on?” Jake’s voice comes through my headphones.
“Ouch,” Raven says in the most monotone voice possible. “What a crushing blow to my self-esteem.”
“You know you’re actually my favorite,” Jake says quickly, his voice going softer in a way that’s meant just for her. “Amanda’s just… well, she’s complicated right now.
“Hi, Amanda,” he adds in a completely different, more formal tone. “How are you this evening?”
“Don’t trust Jake,” I say immediately, because apparently, the one emotion I can feel right now without wanting to cry is anger. “In fact, put him on your list of people who are sus and into elaborate deception.”
“That’s a very specific list,” Raven says, her character already moving through what looks like a Gothic cathedral. “I mean, it’s pretty short right now—just Mom and that guy from Starbucks who keeps spelling my name ‘Raisin.’ But sure, I can add Jake. Care to elaborate?”
“He knows Kade through work. They’re, like, colleagues. In whatever sketchy business Kade is involved in.” I did promise Jake I wouldn’t spill all the dirty details to Raven, but sister code mandates I give her some details.
The game’s audio pauses, and I can practically hear Jake trying to figure out how much he’s allowed to say.
“I’m sorry.” Raven’s voice is completely calm, but I know her well enough to catch the underlying curiosity. “Kade?”
“Oh, yeah. Chad is Kade. Or was always Kade. I just didn’t know.
” I fire a few shots at some kind of demonic creature that’s trying to eat my character’s face.
“You know, my ex-husband who disappeared eight years ago? Turns out he’s been catfishing me through a spicy chatbot app. Very cutesy. Very demure.”
“Huh.” Raven’s character performs an elaborate magic spell that turns three enemies into purple butterflies. “Well, that’s… definitely sus. Maybe we should put Kade on this list, too.”
“Yep. And now he’s Monarch’s newest unpaid intern.”
Raven nods her head, nonplussed. “When did this happen?”
“The revelation? Like two weeks ago. The lying? I guess forever. The job? Monday was his first day.” I reload my weapon. “But hey, at least I’m handling it well.”
“Sure you are,” Jake chimes in, and I can hear the grin in his voice. “That’s why you’re stress-gaming with your sister instead of talking to the guy.”
“Shut up, Jake. I’m still deciding whether to trust you or feed you to whatever boss monster we encounter next.”
“What are you going to do about it?” Raven asks, and her tone is genuinely curious rather than judgmental. It’s one of the things I love about my sister. She never makes me feel like I’m failing at life. Even when my problems seem insurmountable, she finds simple, rational solutions.
“Yeah, Amanda,” Jake echoes, “what are you going to do about it?”
“Right now, I don’t want to have feelings about it, which is why I’m here, shooting at fictional bad guys to distract myself from the fact that I potentially have a real-life bad guy.”
“You could shoot him, too,” Raven offers up.
Jake clears his throat. “Before we edge into conspiracy to commit murder, for what it’s worth, I know the guy, and he’s genuine. He cares about you. Like really fucking cares about you in a way that would be concerning if it wasn’t so obviously real.”
“How would you even know that?” I ask, internally yelling at the tears that keep threatening to fall.
“Besides working with him for the last decade and watching him pine after you every damn day when he could literally have any woman he wanted?” Jake’s character is doing something that involves a lot of explosions and what sounds like chainsaw noises.
“The man’s got your name permanently marked on his…
well, let’s just say it’s not his arm. You don’t get ink like that unless you’re absolutely gone for someone—like dick-first-into-danger gone. ”
The controller slips out of my hands.
“What ink are we talking about?” Raven asks, suddenly very interested.
“He doesn’t still have it,” I say quickly, because there’s no way. Kade kept that tattoo for eight years? That would be insane. That would be…
“Oh, he still has it,” Jake says cheerfully. “Fresh touch-ups and everything. Looks better than ever, actually.”
“How would you know?” My voice comes out smaller than I intended.
“Ours is the sort of work that occasionally requires emergency medical attention and rapid clothing changes. You see a lot of skin in this business.”
“This conversation is getting weird even for me,” Raven announces, “and I once spent three hours explaining anime plot holes to my followers while wearing nothing but cat ears.”
“I’m gonna need to verify this,” I mutter, more to myself than to anyone else.
“Weird, but sure, it’s on my VIP tier—‘Secret Garden Access’—only fifty-nine ninety-nine a month,” Raven says with a shrug.
“NO!” I practically shriek. “Not that. I mean the tattoo situation!”
Jake snorts. “Go ahead. I’m sure the man wouldn’t mind showing you. Might even enjoy it.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
The doorbell rings, saving me from further humiliation, and Raven pulls off her headphones to go get our food. Jake takes the opportunity to lower his voice, getting more serious.
“Look, Amanda, I know this is complicated. I know he fucked up. But the guy’s been miserable without you. Like genuinely, deeply miserable in a way that’s painful to watch. He loves you. Has never stopped loving you. Maybe give him a chance to prove that he’s learned from his mistakes.”
“I don’t know if I can survive him again,” I say quietly. “If he leaves, if this doesn’t work… I barely survived the first time.”
“Then don’t survive it alone. You’ve got people. But maybe let yourself have this. Let yourself try.”
It’s surprisingly heartfelt, and for a moment, I forget I’m supposed to be annoyed with him for being part of Kade’s whole deception network.
“Thank you, Jake,” I say finally. “But I’m still going to sacrifice you in this game so I can have alone time with my sister.”
“Wait, no, don’t do that! My stats— I’ll just log out—”
I shoot his character in the head with a rocket launcher. “Oops. Too late.”
“Amanda!”
“Bye, Jake!” I disconnect from the group chat just as Raven comes back with bags of food that make me realize how hungry I am.
“Aww, Jake left?” she asks.
“Yeah. Technical difficulties.” I’m already logging out of the game, suddenly more interested in having a conversation than digital violence. “Sister time?”
Raven nods and starts unpacking containers of food on her coffee table. The spring rolls are still warm, and the green curry smells like lemongrass.
She settles onto the couch with her usual graceful sprawl. “Ex-husband turned AI boyfriend turned mysterious biker turned coworker. That’s quite a character arc.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, and my voice sounds so small. “I wish all of this could just go back to the way things were. Pretend that eight years never happened.”
“But it did happen,” Raven says as she crunches a spring roll into her mouth.
I stare at the ceiling, where she’s somehow managed to string fairy lights in a pattern that looks like constellations.
“I know. And I keep thinking about all these stupid little things we used to do together. Like how he’d link our pinkie fingers together and then pull my hands up so I couldn’t move while he kissed me. ”
My voice breaks. “God, Raven, we were so good together. Until he left. Until he ruined it all. I don’t know if I can put myself out there like that again. What if he leaves again?”
“What if he doesn’t?”
The tears threatening to spill are clouding my eyes, so that the entire room is a sea of colors at this point. “What if I let him in and he destroys me again? I only have one heart. It can’t take another knife. It’ll kill me.”
Raven reaches over and hugs me, and I realize that I’m crying. When did I start crying?
“If he hurts you again, I’ll help you hide the body,” she murmurs. “But if he makes you happy… you deserve to let yourself have that. Even if it’s scary. Maybe it’s worth the hurt.”
“You don’t really think it is, do you?” I ask into her shoulder as she squeezes me tightly. “It’s why you only deal with men online. You tell me that all the time: They aren’t worth it.”
“For me,” she says, pulling back. “But maybe for you it’s different.
And I have to be honest with you. I don’t want to watch you continue to tear yourself apart over what should have been, what might be, and what can be.
You can’t really know if he deserves a chance right now,” she says.
“But the only way to find out is to give it to him.”
“Won’t you respect me less if I do this? Shouldn’t I respect myself less?”
“For what? For being human? For having feelings? Amanda, you’re one of the strongest women I know. You’ve built an entire life for yourself after having your heart destroyed. You’ve survived and thrived and become this incredible, successful, independent person.”
“But?”
“But that doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever to prove a point. It doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself for having feelings. And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to let fear make your decisions for you.”
She pulls me back into a hug, and I let myself sink into it. Raven gives the best hugs—she always smells like vanilla and sage.
I pull back to look at her, this beautiful, wise, nonconforming sister of mine who somehow always knows exactly what I need to hear.
“We don’t hide bodies, babe. I have a guy with a wood chipper on speed dial, and his farm has pigs.”
Raven’s lips curve up into a smile. “You’re terrifying, and I love it.”
I wipe off my tears with the back of my hand and am finally able to force out a smile. “God, don’t you have wine here? I need alcohol.”
“No, but I do have home-brewed kombucha. It’s got probiotics.”
I stare at her in horror. “Raven. Sweet, beloved sister of mine. Light of my life. I would literally rather drink paint thinner than your science experiment.”
She just smiles, completely unbothered by my dramatics. “Fermented tea is really good for your digestive system. Also, there is alcohol in it.”
“I love you so much,” I say, pulling her into another hug. “But you’re so weird.”
“I know,” she says contentedly. “It’s part of my charm.”
“Okay,” I say. “Maybe I’ll give it a chance. A real one this time.”
Raven’s face lights up, and she immediately heads to the fridge. “I knew you’d come around! The ginger-lemon batch turned out particularly—”
“Not the kombucha!” I laugh. “Kade. Maybe I’ll give Kade a real chance.”
Raven grins, and it’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen from her all night. “Good. Because honestly? If you didn’t, I was going to have to stage an intervention. And my interventions involve a lot more crystals and tarot cards than most people are comfortable with.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to start reading my aura or something like Daniel tries to do.”
“Oh, I already did that. It’s very pink. Very conflicted. Very horny.”
“You’re insane.”
“What? I’m just saying, your chakras are all over the place right now.”
I shake my head, but I’m smiling. “I’m never telling you anything ever again.”
“Yes, you will, because I give excellent advice and I have the best snacks.”
“Your snacks are fermented beverages that taste like vinegar.”
“Kombucha is an acquired taste.”
“So is choosing to heal, apparently,” I mutter, already pulling out my phone.
God help me.