Chapter 12
TWELVE
jade
“I hate when there are guys in class,” my friend Madison says as she, Lenni, and I walk out of our yoga class at the university gym.
She releases her blond hair from the clip atop her head and casts a disdainful look at the dude walking a few yards ahead of us.
“I can’t concentrate because I’m thinking about how he’s judging the sweat marks on my yoga pants. ”
“Female crotch sweat is exactly what that creep shows up for,” I inform her.
Lenni laughs as a horrified look crosses Madison’s face. “He’s not even cute. Who cares what he thinks?”
“You don’t think anyone’s cute since Cam came along,” Madison says.
“True,” Lenni admits with a little smile.
We’re halfway across the gym floor when Madison grabs my arm. “Oh, shit, there’s Frenchy,” she hisses, nodding toward the row of treadmills on our left.
It’s only curiosity that makes me look. Sam always said I was his dream girl, but from what I understand, his new girlfriend is my opposite in every way. I guess that should hurt, but it doesn’t. Not anymore.
“Damn, did you see her treadmill?” I say when we’re safely out of earshot. “Nine miles and she was barely sweating.” I glance back. “Nice ass too.”
“Have you ever experienced jealousy in your life?” Madison asks.
“Of course.”
“Name one time.”
Without warning, my mind flashes to the girl Reeve was flirting with at the Phantom last week. Not because she had better hair than me or better style, because she had him. His attention, his hands on her. Instantly, the prickly warmth of jealousy heats my skin. What is wrong with me?
“I have no reason to hate Sam’s new girlfriend,” I say, nudging my mind back where it belongs. “Or Sam.”
“But can I do it for you?” Madison asks.
“Don’t waste your energy. Maybe he was brutally honest when we broke up, but at least he was honest.”
There’s a fraught silence in which my friends seem to look everywhere but at me. I look to Lenni and then to Madison. “What?”
They exchange a glance before Madison says, “Sam sucks.”
“What did he do?”
She sighs. “I was looking at Frenchy’s socials a couple weeks ago and went back to some old pictures from last winter. Jade, she and Sam were definitely seeing each other when you and he were trying to work things out.”
My cheeks feel hot. There’s nothing worse than being the last to know. “Are you sure?”
“I can show you if you want.”
“Madison!” Lenni scolds.
“No, spare me. I believe you.”
“I’m sorry,” Madison says. “I’m only saying Sam wasn’t as perfect as he pretended to be.”
“Okay, but it’s not like he was cheating. We were trying to work things out, but we weren’t fully back together.”
“Don’t defend him,” Lenni says. “He doesn’t deserve it.”
“I’m not. It’s just weird—being wrong about our relationship all over again.” I shake my head, pushing away the questions forming in my mind. “God, I can’t wait to graduate and get out of this place.”
That night I think about my friends’ revelation about Sam.
I dodged a bullet when things didn’t work out with him.
Despite the general crappiness of my current life circumstances, I’m better without him and our unhealthy dynamic where he acted like I was miles out of his league.
Still, it hurts to know that he’d already given up on me while I still held out hope for us.
I always thought I had the upper hand in our relationship, but really I was blind to what was happening in Sam’s mind.
When we broke up, he told me I’d never really appreciated him, and in too many ways he was right.
But I had no idea he felt that way. It was a slap in the face to realize I was wrong from the start about us.
After Lenni heads out with Cam for the night, I have the apartment to myself like I’ve looked forward to all day, but Sam’s what I keep thinking of.
Well, not him so much as his company and life as his girlfriend; as anyone’s girlfriend.
I always thought I loved alone time and that, at my core, I was fiercely independent, but sitting alone on the couch tonight reminds me how little time I’ve spent like this.
I’ve been dating steadily since ninth grade, and I’ve never really longed to be single.
I pull a pink velour blanket over my legs and hug a pillow to my chest as my movie starts.
I love falling asleep next to someone else’s warm body.
I love debating what to watch on a night in and what bar to hit on a night out.
I’ve never sat in a restaurant alone, and I either find or make friends in every class I’ve ever taken.
So maybe jetting off to a foreign country for a couple of years where I don’t know a soul will be more of a challenge than I’ve let myself believe.
But it’s exactly the challenge I need—to take the focus off love and to grow as strong and independent as I used to think I was.
And to be far away from reminders of my past mistakes.
Maybe a relationship will find me, but I’ll never let it be my focus again.
I’m not giving up anything for a relationship that’ll only fall apart when things get hard. I can’t be afraid of being lonely.
I think of Lenni, the way she’s not letting the prospect of being alone dictate her plans. She’s preparing for years of living across the country from the man she’s wildly in love with, hundreds of nights spent missing him. It’s not that different from what I’m about to do.
Of course, while Lenni is missing Cam, he’ll be missing her right back. No one’s going to fall asleep missing me.