Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
jade
“Shit,” I mutter into the mirror, trying to move my lips as little as possible so I don’t mess up my eyeliner worse than I already have.
I’m on my third attempt—third!—at winged liner.
I haven’t needed more than one try since I perfected the look back in tenth grade.
But I also haven’t been this nervous in just as many years.
And it’s not a cute nervous, either; I can’t pull that off.
I’m not one of those girls who can giggle her way through her nerves or, like in the movies, walk into a door and then recover with a little tee-hee and a flip of her hair while her crush watches and thinks how adorable she is.
I’m the kind who trips over her own tongue and showers the cute guy’s cheek with spittle.
Fortunately, I’m not the nervous type, because if I were, I’d probably still be a virgin.
After four days of successfully avoiding him, I have to work with Reeve tonight, and I still have no clue how I’m going to handle it.
He’s texted twice to say what’s up and ask when I want to meet for tutoring again, and I’ve put him off by saying how busy I am.
I’m not exactly lying; it’s just that I’m mostly busy thinking about how it felt to kiss him and what to do about him.
I’m still not even sure what’s making me so nervous.
I only know the way I feel around him is unfamiliar and dizzying and the most unexpectedly intense connection I’ve ever had with anyone.
I sigh and dip a Q-tip into makeup remover to wipe away the eyeliner on my left eye and start all over again.
Reeve is already there when I get to work.
My skin prickles the second I see him. He looks amazing, the same but somehow better despite the fact he’s in his usual perfectly fitted collared shirt with his usual perfectly styled hair.
I get a few free seconds to stare before he turns and sees me.
He smiles like he knows I’ve been avoiding him and maybe he likes it.
He probably thinks I’m playing games, but I’m just trying to survive.
Powerless to do anything else, I smile back and then head to the hostess station.
For once I’m grateful that for this shift, I’m just a lowly hostess.
I thought I could buy myself one more day before I had to talk to him.
The restaurant is booked all night, and I usually manage to get out to the parking lot before he does because when work ends, people always want to talk to him, and I simply don’t command that amount of attention.
But as the night goes on, I’m increasingly sure he knows what’s on my mind.
He keeps glancing my way. I start to imagine his gaze on me every time I move, my body flushing warm in response, and then I start to imagine his hands on me.
I piss off a few guests because I’m not paying attention, and I forget their annoying little requests, like a table in the corner or a high chair.
And yet, near the end of the evening, we end up alone together in the back hallway as I’m heading for the ladies’ room and he’s coming out of the office.
But instead of stopping me to talk, he gives me a smoldering smile and walks back onto the floor with nothing more than a “Hey, Jade.” And I’m left wondering why that’s all I get.
By the time I’m ready to clock out, I’ve gone from considering the fastest way to leave without Reeve seeing me to wondering where I can kiss him without the rest of the staff seeing us.
So when he catches up to me halfway between the back door and my car, maybe it’s because I was walking really, really slowly.
“What up, Flash?” he says.
“Hey.” Sometime during the last five hours I spent pretending I wasn’t aware of exactly how many feet he was from me on the restaurant floor, my nervousness disappeared. Now to stand close to him again feels warm and familiar.
“You’ve been busy. ?Has practicado espanol a diario?”
“Um . . . sí, senor.”
He raises one eyebrow. “Any idea what I said?”
“Something about Spanish.”
Making him laugh feels like the best thing ever, even if he rolls his eyes while doing it.
We reach my car, and there’s a charged silence when we turn to each other. I know I need to explain myself, but his lips are distracting me. His lips, his hands, the tiny flash of skin I glimpse on his chest when he moves just so and the buttons on his shirt pull too tight.
“We should talk,” he says.
I nod.
“My eyes are up here.”
Hell, was I really just staring at his chest? Am I a dirtbag? “Sorry,” I say, realizing that being in his presence opens up all sorts of new avenues for embarrassment.
“No, it’s cool if you want to stare. I was just saying, eyes are up here, balls down there; take your pick.”
“I thought you wanted to talk.”
“I do.”
“Okay then. Start us off.”
He leans against my car, taking his time. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“No, not really.”
From behind me, Jorge calls out goodbye to Reeve and then, as an afterthought, to me. “Later,” Reeve calls back, then waits for me to continue.
“I’ve been busy,” I tell him. “Figuring out the application process for Spain, stuff like that.”
“Uh-huh.” Clearly he’s not buying it.
“Bye, guys!” comes Lori’s voice across the lot.
Reeve gives her an impatient wave and glances at the back door, where our coworkers linger, smoking and talking, most in no hurry to get to their vehicles. “Let’s talk in the car,” he says.
“You and me sitting in the car in the parking lot late at night? Sure, that won’t get anyone talking.”
“No worries, we’ll sit in my car.” He looks at his Bronco, sitting in the far corner of the lot in total darkness. “No one will see a thing. We can do whatever we want in there.”
I know he’s joking, but my stomach does a flip anyway. “I thought you just wanted to talk.”
“Did I say just?” His smile is wicked as he turns in the direction of the Bronco.
Of course I follow.
I hoist myself into the passenger seat of his car, the mottled beige fabric smooth and pleasantly worn under my bare legs. The air inside is dark and silent and smells faintly of him. In here, it seems impossible to get away with anything but the truth, so I don’t wait for him to ask me again.
“I was avoiding you,” I admit. My voice is barely above a whisper, but it’s plenty loud in here.
Reeve nods.
“You’re not the person I want to have . . . confusing feelings for. I made up my mind a long time ago that I can’t stand you, and I don’t like to be wrong.”
“So you’re admitting you were wrong?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’m admitting I’m confused.”
He looks out the windshield and wraps his hands around the steering wheel, thinking. The backs of his hands are scratched up, and I wonder what happened. My fingers long to touch his rough skin. “Then maybe we go back to the night you made up your mind about me.”
I pause. I know Lenni has long since forgiven Reeve for the night he rejected and embarrassed her, and I know Reeve thinks it’s not my business. But nobody gets a pass for making my friend cry.
He swings his gaze to me. “I don’t know if I can make you understand what was in my head that night, because you’re not me and you didn’t grow up with my mom.
But she’s a mess—always has been. And even though I was probably five when I started taking care of her more than her taking care of me, that doesn’t mean it didn’t wreck me every time. ”
My heart pangs. “Hold on, Reeve. You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to. You were right; you don’t owe me an explanation.”
He swallows and nods. “And if I want to tell you?”
“Then I’m right here.”
He pulls his eyes away from mine and looks at his hands on the wheel. “I guess I just want you to know that anyone other than Cam seeing what I came from—seeing my mom at her worst—is borderline traumatizing. I couldn’t think straight.”
“That’s okay,” I say quietly. “I think I understand. And even if I don’t, it’s still okay.”
“Anyway.” He looks out the windshield and with a forced smile adds, “If you want to run screaming from me and my fucked-up trauma dumping, I don’t blame you.”
I wait until he looks at me, his smile long gone. “I don’t.”
He nods and lets out a sigh. “But I’m guessing that’s not the only reason you’ve been avoiding me.”
Right. I forgot where we were. “True.”
He waits expectantly. “Jade Kelly at a loss for words?”
“Okay, I guess it’s that being around you can be intense. The kissing, the things we talked about; you know.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“I like it. But I don’t really want to go down that road right now.”
“What road?”
I struggle for words. A relationship? No, he’d laugh in my face. I know he’s not after a relationship with me. “Starting something that has to end in a few months. I need to stay focused on graduating and getting into my program. I can’t afford to get distracted by . . . feelings.”
“Totally. Feelings are for losers.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m right there with you, these next few weeks are do or die for me.” He looks past me out the window. “Everything in my life has been leading up to this. If I don’t get it right, I’m fucked.”
“So then . . . we agree.” Somehow this feels disappointing to a devastating degree. He’s just going to let it all go?
“Yeah, we agree a relationship isn’t in the cards.
But I don’t know, Jade . . . hanging with you is about the only fun I’ve had lately.
Even being around Cam and the guys isn’t like it used to be.
Even if we’re not talking about football, we’re thinking about it. The pressure just hangs in the air.”
I nod as I finally find the words for the feeling: Being around Reeve is an escape. And it thrills me to know I give him the same feeling.
“Even studying isn’t half bad with you. So let’s keep up what we have. Clearly you need me anyway, ’cause your Spanish is weak as hell.”
I ignore the slight. “So what does that make us? Friends?”
“If that’s what you want to call it.”
“What do you want to call it?”
He looks thoughtful. “We’re two people focused on our goals. And who agree love is for other people. I’d say we’re a match made in heaven.”
Ironically, this comes off as romantic, and so I find myself nodding.
“And if we happen to kiss or whatever, that’s even better,” he adds.
“Or whatever?” I laugh. “What kind of ‘whatever’ are you thinking?”
Reeve shrugs. “No rules, baby. Nothing to fear.”
Nothing to fear. Out of everything he’s said, this is the one I know isn’t true, but I nod because we’re in the dark and all I can see is his face, every inch etched to perfection. I don’t stand a chance.
Besides, I really want to kiss him again.