Chapter 50
Guinevere
G irls’ night was a little over a week ago, and it was a success. Ellie and Lainey showed up around ten with 5 tubs of different kinds of ice cream and wine, dubbing them the ‘break up essentials.’ I told them I didn’t need it, but I ended up being really grateful for it as we started to watch sappy romance movies. Damian groaned at our choice of genre, but he wanted to stay, so he had to watch what we wanted.
We went through the classics like The Notebook, Ten Things I Hate About You, and A Walk to Remember. By the time the third movie ended, we’d gone through three bottles of wine, and a tub of ice cream each, and I was sobbing into the carton while my friends sat around me and rubbed my back, assuring me everything would be okay.
I was grateful that my mom was already asleep, because I don’t think I could have explained everything again. I was trying to be strong, trying to not be affected by it all because it’s my fault. I did this to myself, and now I have to deal with the consequences, no matter how shitty they are.
When my mom came downstairs the next morning, she was pretty confused when she saw us all asleep with empty wine bottles and ice cream cartons strewn about.
Of course, after they all left, my mom made me tell her everything anyway, which I did because I can’t keep anything from her. She held me while I cried some more and wished more than anything that this wasn’t my reality right now.
Thanksgiving dinner was exactly what I expected. It was just my mom and I with a turkey, some stuffing, and mashed potatoes. It was nice, and it gave my mom and I some time to catch up. My father actually called to wish us a happy Thanksgiving, but I refused to talk to him. I know I’m being immature, but I can’t bring myself to even think about him let alone talk to him.
The December air is cold as I walk across the street from the parking lot to The Baked Bean, our local coffee shop which also happens to be a full bakery as well. Mom wanted me to pick up an apple pie because she’s been craving one and she guilted me into getting it, saying she couldn’t drive in the snow.
There really isn’t that much snow on the ground right now, but I didn’t mind going because I was beginning to go stir crazy sitting in my childhood home with my mother.
The man behind the counter greets me with a smile when I walk up to the counter. He looks familiar but I can’t place where I know him from.
“Gwen? Wow, it’s been a long time. How have you been?” the guy asks. I won’t lie, he is really attractive. He has blonde shaggy hair and blue eyes mixed with a perfectly chiseled jaw covered in a thin layer of stubble. He’s wearing a long sleeve shirt, his muscles visible under the thick material. The apron he’s wearing sports The Baked Bean’s logo in the middle.
When I look back at his eyes, it clicks. “Oh my god, Hayden? Holy shit, hi!” I grin as he comes around the counter, picking me up and twirling me around. I can’t help the giggle that comes out of me as he sets me back down.
“Guinevere Sharpe, the one and only. How’s that fancy college treatin’ ya?” Hayden asks, and I roll my eyes. He attended Weston U, so he was at a ‘fancy’ college too.
“It’s okay. How’s your asshole of a brother?” I ask, not really caring how he is. Hayden Sawyer is the older brother of one Dawson Sawyer, the ex that broke up with me over text and never spoke to me again.
Hayden and I always got along. He’s only a year older than Dawson, and he was always around when we were kids.
Growing up, I always had a crush on Hayden. It’s funny. I was attracted to Hayden way before I was attracted to Dawson. I think Hayden knew I liked him, but he also knew his brother had feelings for me, so he never said anything.
Or maybe he just thought I was some stupid little girl. Who knows. It was so long ago now that everything has begun to blur.
I do remember one night when I was fifteen and Hayden was sixteen.
We’d been fishing all day with Dawson in the little pond behind their house. Dawson went inside to change because Hayden had pushed him into the water. We all laughed about it, and Dawson was a good sport about it. He never really had a bad temper.
Hayden and I continued to fish as the sun set and it became darker outside. I’d casted my line toward the pond, but it wasn’t going as far as I wanted, and I was growing frustrated. Hayden came up behind me, putting his arms around me and his hands on top of mine as he helped me cast the line again. This time it landed where I wanted, and a few seconds later, I was reeling in a small fish.
I squealed with excitement, jumping up and down as Hayden unhooked the fish for me to see. The grin on his face made my stomach flutter. He tossed the fish back into the pond, wiping his hands on his thighs before turning back to look at me.
When his eyes met mine, they seemed to darken as the grin on his face fell. His eyes darted down to my lips and back up to my eyes quickly. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. I was praying that he’d just grab my face and kiss me so hard I’d forget my own name. He took a step closer to me, and my legs almost gave out.
“Hayden,” I said softly as he closed the distance between us. My heart pounded and my mind raced.
“Shhh. I just want to try something,” he practically whispered as if he was talking to himself.
Before I could ask what he wanted to try, he grabbed my face and leaned in slowly, his soft lips touching mine and setting my nerve endings on fire.
When he pulled away, I pouted, afraid he was already regretting it. But his hands remained on either side of my face. His eyes searched mine before he spoke.
“Wow,” he said in disbelief. “You’re really good at that.”
I grinned. “Thanks.”
“Was that your first kiss?” he asked. I could feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment as I nodded.
“Yes,” I told him. He shakes his head slightly.
“Mine too.”
What? There’s no way this was Hayden Sawyer’s first kiss. He was handsome, and sweet, and girls must’ve been throwing themselves at him constantly. He wouldn’t waste his first kiss on a girl like me.
“Seriously?” I asked. He nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Why would you want your first kiss to be with me?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer or not. He chuckled, tucking a piece of my brown hair behind my ear as he looked me in my eyes.
“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he told me. My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn’t believe he was saying that to me.
“Why?” I didn’t know why I was questioning it, but I wanted to know.
“You’re just… you’re beautiful.”
I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest at his words.
“Hey, what are you guys doing? Mom wants us to go in now,” Dawson yelled from the deck on the back of the Sawyer house. It startled me, and I jumped back from Hayden.
We never spoke about that night again. Every time all three of us would hang out, there would be this tension in the room, we’d exchange longing glances, and sometimes we’d even flirt. But Dawson never seemed to notice.
Year’s later, Hayden went off to college at Weston U and left Dawson and I behind at Kingston Preparatory School. To this day, I don’t think Hayden ever mentioned it to Dawson, and I certainly never did.
Dawson wasn’t a second a choice. I fell in love with him, and the memory of that night I spent with his brother faded every day.
I haven’t seen Hayden since he left for Weston U, and honestly, I wasn’t expecting to see him ever again. Our mom’s stopped being friends after Dawson broke up with me.
The last I knew, Hayden went to Weston to be a lawyer. He’d always been into law and talked about becoming a big-time lawyer, moving to New York, and having his own firm one day. I was so proud of him for chasing his dreams, and I always hoped they’d come true for him.
But if he’s here, working at the coffee shop, I have a feeling he never got there.
“He’s still an asshole,” Hayden says, bringing me back to the present.
I chuckle. “Yeah, well, some things never change,” I tease, and Hayden smiles earnestly.
“Yeah, some things never do,” he says softly as he looks over my body, landing on my face. My cheeks blush and my stomach flutters, reminding me of the way I used to feel around him all those years ago.
I don’t know how to respond to that, so instead, I change the subject.
“I need a pie,” I blurt out. Hayden smirks.
“Okay… what kind?”
“Apple,” I tell him. “Please.”
Oh, man. I sound like a total idiot. Why am I so nervous right now? My heart is going crazy in my chest, and I feel like I’m sweating. Get it together, Gwen.
“Apple pie it is,” Hayden confirms, walking back around the counter and grabbing an apple pie from the stack of various pies in the bakery. He brings the pie over to the register as I walk up to the counter to pay.
The smirk is still on his lips as his blue eyes search my face. He can tell I’m nervous and I hate it. Why am I so damn obvious?
I haven’t seen this man in years, and yet he still has that same effect on me as he did when we were kids.
I pull out my wallet, ready to pull out my card to pay, but Hayden holds his hand up to stop me.
“It’s on the house, Sharpe,” he says, and my stomach flutters. I used to love it when he’d call me that. He’d only do it when he was flirting, and it made my stomach flutter every time.
“What? Are you sure?” I ask hesitantly. He nods.
“Positive. Tell your mom to enjoy the pie,” he says as he leans over the counter on his forearms. A piece of his blonde hair falls into his face, and he uses his hand to push it back. I watch the muscles under his sleeve as they contort when he moves his arm.
“How do you know it’s not for me?” I ask, placing a hand on my hip. Hayden chuckles.
“You hate apples,” he states. He remembers that? How does he remember that? It’s such a miniscule detail, and he remembered.
I smile shyly, looking down at the floor because for some reason, I can’t look him in the eye.
“You’re in town for a couple weeks, right?” he asks, and I nod.
“Yes, I go back to campus after Christmas.”
He stands straight, running a hand through his hair again. It must be a nervous gesture. “Okay…” he starts. “Can I take you to dinner?” his eyes meet mine, and they’re full of hope.
Dinner? With Hayden Sawyer? My first crush, my first kiss, my ex’s older brother. My mind races as I think of what to say. Part of me wants to say yes, but the other part of me thinks of Ryker. I don’t feel the same way I do about Ryker with Hayden.
With Hayden, there’s no longer a pang of longing. The memory of him is warm, like an old favorite song, but it doesn't stir me the way it once did. Hayden was my first taste of romantic feelings, a gentle introduction to the world of love and emotions.
But now, those feelings seemed almost childish, a naive prelude to what I now feel for Ryker. Ryker, with his crooked smile and the way he makes me feel seen and understood. The way I feel about him is deep and consuming. It’s real, raw, and all-encompassing. But right now, all of that is overshadowed by a storm of anger and frustration.
My chest tightens as I think of the reason I’m mad at him.
The sting of the thought cuts deep, and I think maybe I should give him a chance to explain. But what is there to explain? Amy was really convincing, and with Ryker’s past, it’s not hard to believe that I’m not enough for him.
Yet, despite the anger and betrayal I feel right now, I can’t deny that I still have feelings for him. I think I might even love him.
I feel like this brought us right back to the beginning, when I couldn’t stand him, and we only spoke about the project. Except, now I know what it’s like to have him, to want him. I miss him. I miss the way his presence could calm me, the way his touch could make everything seem right. But I blocked him. I told him never to contact me again, and at the time it seemed like the right thing. But now I wish I could take it back.
As much as I thought I loved Hayden and Dawson, the way I feel about Ryker surpasses it all.
I just wish I could talk to him, tell him how I feel. In reality, I could, but I’m choosing not to because I don’t know if I can handle hearing his voice.
“Gwen?” Hayden’s voice brings me back to the present. I look up into his blue eyes as they search my face, waiting for me to answer his question.
“Sorry. I um… I’m kind of seeing someone,” I half lie. Technically, Ryker and I aren’t really together anymore, but I still feel connected to him. I still have these strong feelings for him, and I couldn’t possibly start anything with anyone new right now.
Hayden’s face falls slightly before he fixes it with a wistful smile. He nods, and I can tell that isn’t the answer he was hoping for. It wouldn’t be a good idea for us to go to dinner. Not after I dated his brother for three years. Everything’s changed now, and even if I wanted him back then, I’ve moved on.
“Oh, well… that’s good. Someone from school?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?” he wonders, his question taking me off guard.
“It’s complicated…” I tell him, because the truth is, yes, I do love him, but he doesn’t know it.
Hayden tilts his head in question. “What do you mean?”
I sigh. “We’re not exactly talking right now.”
“Did something happen?” Hayden asks sincerely. I feel weird talking to him about this, but I like that he still cares.
“Sort of,” I shrug. Hayden walks over to the coffee machine, pouring two cups of coffee, adding cream and sugar to one before coming around the counter to hand me one. He gestures to an empty table in the corner.
We take a seat and I look out the window, watching snowflakes fall to the ground like I’m in a life size snow globe.
“Tell me everything,” Hayden orders, and I do. I tell him everything while I try to keep myself from crying because I am not allowing myself to cry in front of him. I’m not allowing myself to shed any more tears for Ryker.
“How do you know this Amy chick wasn’t lying?” he asks once I’m finished filling him in.
I shrug. “I don’t, but I-” he cuts me off.
“So, you don’t know for sure that this guy even cheated on you? You’re just taking the word of some girl who sounds like she’s a jealous bitch?” he questions. Well, when you put it like that…
“I-”
“Listen, Gwen. It seems like you really care for this guy, and even though he sounds like kind of a douche, it seems like he cares about you too,” he starts, grabbing my hand over the table and looking me in the eye. “I get where you’re coming from, but you should let him tell you his side of the story. If not for him, do it for yourself. Maybe it’ll help give you closure,” Hayden’s features soften, and it reminds me of the night he kissed me for the first time .
Hayden’s always been a sweet guy, and it’s nice to see nothing has changed. I’d been debating on whether or not to give Ryker the opportunity to explain, and I think this might’ve been the push I needed to do exactly that.
The problem is, how will I know if he’s telling the truth?
“Thank you, Hayden, really. You’ve always been good with advice,” I smile. Hayden looks pretty satisfied with himself.
“What can I say? I’m wise,” he says, shrugging.
We stand and he gives me a hug. It feels warm and familiar. Pulling back, he leaves a gentle kiss on the top of my head.
“See you around, Sharpe,” he says with a grin.
“See you around, Sawyer,” I say back as I walk out of the coffee shop with my mother’s apple pie in hand, feeling much lighter than I did when I first went in.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but Hayden’s right. I do need closure, and talking to Ryker is the only way to get it.