Chapter 36
Jamie
The drive home feels longer than usual. It’s quiet and dark, and for once I finally let myself feel.
A bit of peace. We won. I don’t care if they sucked pretty much all season, because in that moment, in that game, they did what they needed to do.
I need to send the guys a damn fruit basket because whatever they said to the Wolves, worked miracles.
My phone is blowing up with texts from the group chat, and I noticed a missed call from my agent. I’ll call him back in the morning. Tonight, I’m going to revel in this success.
I want to get home and tell her the news, and I want to tell her I love her.
I want to tell her everything.
I want to tell her I wish she was there, that these past fourteen weeks made me realize that I was a fucking loser for leaving her. I want to tell her that healing scares me, because as much as I want to be back, I’m afraid I’ll never play the same again.
I grip the steering wheel tighter.
Somewhere between the past and now, she stopped being this memory that I suppressed and started feeling like home.
I always thought that the place I felt most at home was on the ice, where I could feel my dad with me, rooting for me.
But now it’s the girl I fell in love with when we were fifteen years old.
The girl that I was lucky enough to have in my life for all those years.
The only girl who looks at me like I’m more than what I do on the ice.
As I pull into the driveway, my heart picks up speed. I’m suddenly feeling nervous, but I can’t pinpoint why.
The house is dark when I walk in, silent. Somehow it feels bigger, and yet I feel claustrophobic.
Tossing my keys on the kitchen counter, I throw my jacket over the back of one of the chairs at the island. For a second I just stand there, just listening, trying to hear footsteps or any signs that she’s awake. It’s late, so I’m sure she’s asleep, but I’m hoping she’s not.
I walk upstairs quieter than necessary, like the floor might betray me if I step too hard. Ellie’s door is closed, a thin line of light underneath.
I should go to my room. Talk to her in the morning, but instead, I just stand here like a fucking idiot. My hand hovers near the wood as I debate on whether to knock or not.
Because if she opens that door, if she looks at me the way she did when she left the rink the other day after rehearsal, I don’t know if I could keep myself from telling her everything that’s going on inside my head, and I don’t know if she’s ready to hear it.
Back in my room, the silence feels louder.
I sit on the edge of the bed, still wired from the win, from the future, from her. We won tonight. It’s the biggest moment of the season so far. I should be ecstatic, but instead I just feel disappointed.
A slow breath leaves my lungs as I stare at my phone, reading through the messages from the guys.
Rhode Island Stormies
Billy Callahan: Aye, that’s that shit!
Connor Grieves: awooooooooooo.
Theo Cramer: What the hell is that?
Connor Grieves: I’m howling, like a wolf.
Wilder Ranslavic: Go to fucking bed. I’m trying to sleep.
Billy Callahan: Uh oh. Someone’s a grumpy pants.
Wilder Ranslavic: I’ll kill you. And no one will be able to find the body.
Billy Callahan: I’m feeling threatened.
Wilder Ranslavic: Good.
Connor Grieves: Congrats on the win, Patty!
Theo Cramer: I knew those kids could do it. Just needed a kick in the ass.
Billy Callahan: Hell yeah. Congrats, buddy.
Jamie Patterson: Thanks guys.
Connor Grieves: I bet the boys were hyped.
Jamie Patterson: Yeah, they were. Logan and Jacob more than anyone. They busted their asses out there.
An incoming call distracts me from the chat. Billy’s name flashes across my screen. It’s almost midnight, why the fuck is he calling me?
“Why are you calling me?” I ask as soon as I answer the phone. I’m honestly not in the mood to talk right now. I want to wallow in whatever the feeling is in my chest.
“Well hello to you too, Patterson,” Callahan replies, chuckling to himself. “I just wanted to congratulate you on the W tonight.”
Rolling my eyes, I turn onto my side, my phone on speaker. “You already did. Why are you actually calling?”
I can see him rolling his eyes through the phone. “Fine. I’m nosy as fuck and I want to know what’s happening between you and the chick.”
I pause, my heart stuttering at the slightest mention of Ellie.
“What chick?” I ask, playing dumb. I mean, he obviously knows we fuck, considering I fucked her in my room the night the guys were here. There’s no way they didn’t hear Ellie screaming for me while she came on my cock.
“Come on, Patterson. The roommate, the girl you were fucking while we tried to ignore all the sounds coming from upstairs. Rude, by the way.”
I clear my throat. “Right. Uh, well first of all, she’s not some chick. Her name is Ellie,” I start, trying to determine whether or not I want to dive into this with him right now.
“She’s hot, man. I don’t blame you for—”
“Shut the fuck up before I rip your head from your body, Callahan,” I growl, and I hear him laugh immediately on the other end.
He loves his wife and would never disrespect her.
Kelly’s a great girl. She’s pretty, she’s sweet, and she puts up with Callahan’s shit. They’ve been together for years now.
“There it is,” he says through laughter. “You like her. You wouldn’t get that possessive over someone you’re only fucking. So, are you guys like, dating? Is she your girlfriend? And if so, why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
Fucker. He was testing me, and I did exactly what he wanted. Guess we’re doing this.
Rubbing a frustrated hand down my face, I sigh. “She’s… well… I don’t know what she is, man. We dated in high school, and after my dad died, I threw myself into hockey. I don’t know why I did it, but I left. I left her, Billy,” I explain, feeling completely deflated.
“Okay, so you broke up with her, and now she’s there?” he asks.
“I didn’t just break up with her, Calli. I abandoned her. I fucking left without saying a word. No explanation, just poof. Gone. I went to a hockey camp for a bit and then came to the Storm. Hockey was my focus, and I didn’t think about how it would affect her.”
There’s a long pause before Callahan speaks.
“Shit,” he exhales sharply. “Damn, Patty. That’s like, fucked up.”
Rolling my eyes, I pull myself into a sitting position, the covers falling off and leaving me exposed in just my boxers.
“Yeah, thanks. I know I fucked up. But seeing her again, being with her… I think I love her, Calli.”
“You think?”
I stare at the window, coming to terms with the wicked truth.
“I know. I’m in love with Ellie.”
“So what’s the problem?” Callahan asks, and I realize now that I haven’t told anyone but Ellie about the good news.
“I’m almost cleared,” I tell him.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m almost done with PT. I’ll be coming back to the Storm to start practice soon. They’ll start me slow, but Jared says I’ll be back on the ice in no time,” I explain, but I don’t sound as excited as I should. Because I know what it could really mean.
Callahan howls on the other end and I have to pull the phone away from my face so he doesn’t pierce my fucking eardrum.
“Fuck yeah, brother! That’s awesome! The guys are gonna be stoked,” he exclaims. “I don’t see how this is a problem though.”
Huffing out a breath of frustration, I climb off the bed and begin to pace back and forth. If Ellie would just let me talk to her about this.
I’d tell her I don’t plan on going anywhere without her.
I know I don’t have a great track record, but this time it’ll be different.
This time I know what I have in front of me and I’m not ever going to push her away again.
She’s been my rock, a constant reminder these past few months that hockey isn’t all I have.
“Ellie thinks I’m gonna disappear again.
I don’t even know if she has actual feelings for me.
We really haven’t talked about it. But the way she looked at me the other night, I could tell exactly what she was thinking.
She expects me to walk away again.” I don’t know why I’m telling him all of this like he’s my goddamn therapist. I sound like a fucking loser.
“And you don’t want to?” he asked, attempting to figure out what I’m rambling about.
“No. I want her to come with me,” I state, feeling so sure of my choice.
“Well then tell her. Make her listen. There’s no way she doesn’t feel anything for you.
You’ve been cooped up in a house together for three and a half months, dude.
And from the sound of it, she really likes when you do the horizontal tango,” he proclaims, and I can literally see him wink at me through the phone. Idiot.
He’s not wrong though. One thing I can say for certain is I still know how to please Ellie when it comes to sex.
I can read her body like a fucking book.
She’s reactive as hell and she can’t hide when she’s turned on.
Her cheeks flush and her body tenses. And she always gets this look in her eye, like she doesn’t want to give in, but her body betrays her.
My mouth begins to water and my dick hardens as I visualize Ellie all wet and ready for me.
Fuck, she’s a goddamn dream, and I never want to wake up. Shit, stop thinking about sex right now.
After talking about the team and discussing what I’ve missed in my time away, Callahan and I hang up, and I’m left alone once again, contemplating all of my life’s decisions.
If nothing else, these past few months with Ellie have made me realize that maybe healing wasn’t just about my knee. Maybe it’s been about figuring out what kind of life I actually want if hockey wasn’t the only thing left standing.
I don’t know what choosing her looks like. I don’t know what it’ll cost. I don’t know if she even wants me to ask her to come with me. But for the first time since the injury…I know what I’m afraid of losing, and it isn’t hockey.