Chapter 34
Ellie
My room is silent. The only sound I hear is the beat of my heart and my breathing. I’m allowing myself one night of self-pity before I go back to being a boss ass bitch and throw all my focus into the end of the semester and the play.
I know nothing’s official yet, and Jamie isn’t fully ready to get back to playing professionally, but it’s better to rip off the Band-Aid now than wait until he inevitably makes the decision to leave.
He looked so conflicted, like he didn’t want to tell me, but he was excited to tell someone.
Of course he was, this is huge for him. He deserves to feel excited and relieved that he’s healing from his injury. He thought his career was over and he’s just learned that it might not be. I would never take that away from him, and I’d never make him choose between his career and me.
Picking my phone up, I press Lainey’s name. It rings a few times before she picks up, her smiling face filling my screen.
“Oh my god, hi bitch! I see you in three days!” she squeals.
Chuckling, I say, “Hi to you too.”
“Holland has decided to come too,” she tells me, and I roll my eyes.
“You mean, you’re forcing him to come against his will,” I say. Lainey shrugs.
“Tomato, tomahto. He misses you.”
“I miss him too. Is he home?” I ask, and she nods.
“Yeah, he’s in the shower. Now, enough about him. How are things over in Jamie land?” she asks with a mischevious smile.
A broken laugh slips out of me, thin and tired.
Lainey goes quiet instantly.
“Oh no. What happened?”
I swallow, but the lump in my throat doesn’t move. “Nothing happened. He’s just… he’s almost healed, Laine.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell she already understands where this is going.
“Physical therapy’s almost done,” I practically whisper. “He’ll be cleared to skate soon. To go back to the NHL, back to his real life.”
Her expression softens. “El…”
My chest tightens, pressure building fast as I try to hold it together. But I’m so tired of pretending I’m fine.
“I was careful this time,” I say, my voice shaking. “I kept my distance. I told myself it was in the past, and the closeness wouldn’t bring back any old feelings.” My eyes begin to burn as they fill with tears. “I told myself I wouldn’t let this happen again.”
A tear spills out and runs down my warm cheeks, and I finally say the words that I’ve been trying my best to avoid.
“I fell in love with him, Lainey.”
The confession hangs in the air between us for a few seconds before I continue.
“And I’m so mad at myself for it,” I choke. “Because I knew how this would end. I knew he’d leave. He always does.”
My shoulders begin to shake as I let the tears spill. Lainey stays quiet, letting me get my emotions out into the open. This all seems ridiculous because he hasn’t even said he’s going to leave. But I know where it’s going. I just know.
“I just got him back,” I whisper. “And now I’m losing him again.”
After a few deep breaths, I wipe my tears.
“You falling in love isn’t a mistake, Ellie.”
“It is if he doesn’t stay.”
“No,” she says gently. “You can’t help who you love, El.”
I squeeze my eyes shut.
“You warned me, Laine. You told me not to let my guard down, and I did it anyway. I let him worm his way into my heart again.”
Lainey sits up straighter, pulling her long, curly hair over her shoulder.
“Have you told him?”
My laugh is hollow.
“God, no. Why would I do that?”
“Because he probably feels the same. He pursued you, El.”
“He might,” I shrug. “But even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. Hockey will always come first for him.”
“Is that Ellie?” Holland’s voice asks in the background. My heart stops. Oh fuck.
Lainey’s head whips around.
“Yeah, it’s—”
“Who’s she in love with?” he asks, and Lainey blanches. Holland appears on the screen next to Lainey. His expression is stone, his jaw tight.
“Who are you in love with, Ellie?” he asks, his voice low.
“Holland, come on. This is girl talk,” Lainey tries. Holland doesn’t even look her way.
“It’s him, isn’t it? Jamie fucking Patterson. It’s him?” I can’t answer. I don’t want to disappoint my brother. I know he wanted to kill Jamie back then for what he did to me. He saw how broken I was, and now he’s seeing it again.
“Holland, I—”
“He broke you,” Holland snaps. “Do you remember that part? Or did we all just hallucinate the months you couldn’t even get out of bed?”
My throat tightens painfully. “Holland, of course I remember.”
“Then why are we doing this again, Ellie? Why are you letting the same guy hurt you twice?”
“Because I love him, Holland!” The words burst out before I can stop them. “Okay? I love him and I tried not to and I fucking failed. I failed.”
Holland’s anger flickers, his nostrils flaring.
“He’s going to leave again,” he says quietly. Not cruel, just certain. “And you’re going to be shattered all over again.”
“Holland…” Lainey starts.
Tears begin to run again, but I do my best to hold strong.
“No, Lainey. He’s right. I should just… cut my losses. Walk away first, you know?” I sniffle. I know that’s what I have to do. I can’t let him break me again. I just… I can’t.
“Ellie, wait—” Lainey begins, but I don’t want her to talk me out of the decision I’ve just made.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I tell her with a tearful smile before hanging up and throwing my phone onto the carpet.
I’ve done it once, I can do it again, right? I can live without him. He’s not the center of my world. I have friends and family, and I don’t need him. I don’t.
I end up crying myself to sleep, once again, over the boy who broke me nine years ago.
The next time I see him, I’ll tell him it’s the end, and everything will go back to the way it was.
He’ll go back to his team, and I’ll… I don’t know.
Maybe I’ll stay here for another semester.
Maybe I’ll go home. But whatever I do, it’s going to break my fucking heart.