Chapter 34 #2
In the cyberspace where I’d met him, he’d simply been Colonel Brandon and then CB.
Since we both loved rules, we’d decided early on to make some and one of the first had been no real names.
At the time, I’d agreed because why not?
It wasn’t like being a Vanderhaul had always been a picnic, and besides, the anonymity of it made it feel safer in a way.
I hadn’t felt as exposed opening up because he had no clue who I really was.
Looking at it from his point of view, however, it must’ve been so much more important to keep that mystery alive. To be able to be entirely himself without the name Westwood having anything to do with it.
The thought brought a smile to my lips. How freeing it must’ve been for him.
Knowing what I knew now, it was almost an honor to have been on the other side of that. To have been able to give him that space to just… be. I unlocked my phone again and opened my messages, clicking into CB’s name near the top.
The thread stretched back years, pages and pages of words we’d written to each other. Jokes folded into confessions, late-night thoughts tangled up with early-morning realizations.
It hurt to look back at it all like this. A dull, aching kind of sadness settled behind my ribs. I scrolled slowly, reading pieces at random. I really had loved him, my CB.
I’d built space for him in my life day by day and year by year. I’d trusted him implicitly without ever seeing his face or knowing what his voice sounded like in person.
As I kept scrolling, something slowly started shifting. A phrase here and a joke there, a familiar turn of words and that dry sense of humor.
My brow furrowed, but the longer I read, the more it leaped out at me. The way he spoke. The jokes he’d made. It was all just so Nate that I couldn’t believe I’d missed it, but on the other hand, I’d only really gotten to know him like this recently.
My chest tightened anyway, because I’d been so in love with CB, so completely, hopelessly, head over heels in love with him, and all along, he’d been Nate. Nate had been that person I’d reached for in the dark, my reliable, sharp-witted, deep-thinking, highly intelligent knight in pixelated armor.
And now we were getting married. Some people would probably call that fate. Or maybe destiny. Whatever other term they used for something romantic and inevitable.
I huffed a quiet breath at the thought. I’d never been a romantic. Not until I’d let CB into my life and my heart anyway.
Meanwhile, Nate still felt foreign. Familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, like a place I’d seen in pictures but had never actually visited.
“Hey.”
I jumped, twisting in the same motion to see him standing at the bottom of the stairs. The house was dark enough that he was mostly a silhouette, just broad shoulders and rumpled hair.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he came a few steps closer, his voice still rough with sleep.
My first instinct was to say I was fine, but as strange as it was, he was still CB, the person I’d been spilling my innermost thoughts to for years. He was also truly perhaps the only person in the whole world who knew exactly how I felt right now.
“Is it weird that I’m sad about this somehow?” I asked quietly, locking my phone again and setting it back down on the counter.
Nate was quiet for a few beats before I finally saw his shoulders rise in a shrug. “I think it’s a perfectly normal way to feel.”
He said it gently, but there was a hint of tension threaded into his tone. I waited for him to continue, to say whatever it was he seemed to be holding back, but it looked like I wasn’t the only one struggling with this whole opening up thing in person.
God, maybe we should just go back to texting. Wisps of fear and frustration swept through me. What if we’re never going to be as good together in real life as we were online?
“You should come back to sleep, Katie,” he said, saying the nickname slowly, like he was testing out the feel of it in his mouth. “We’re probably going to have a long day tomorrow.”
“You’re probably right. Mondays are always a bitch.”
Even so, I didn’t move. After a moment, he sighed softly. “Kate.”
“I’m not really tired.”
“That’s not the point.”
“I’m fine down here. I’ll be up soon. Don’t worry.”
He paused again, then suddenly closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around my hips without hesitation. I yelped as he lifted me clean off the stool, the movement so quick and effortless that I absolutely had not seen it coming.
“Nate!”
He didn’t answer, just tossing me over his shoulder like I weighed nothing and striding back toward the stairs.
I squirmed and wriggled, grabbing his hips to steady myself when he started climbing. “Nathaniel Westwood, put me down. Put me down right now.”
“No.”
“I mean it.”
“I know.”
“This is caveman behavior,” I muttered, but gave up the fight as he let out a quiet laugh, one hand steady against the back of my legs as we ascended.
“You’ll survive, Katie. I promise.”
I sighed dramatically, but he set me down so gently on the bed that I couldn’t be mad about it. The sheets were still warm when I climbed back in. Nate followed a moment later.
He settled in behind me like he had before, one arm finding its way around my waist again and pulling me closer. Tiny little butterflies erupted in my stomach, wildly flapping their wings in approval.
“Sleep now, Kate,” he murmured against my hair, shifting until he was comfortable and my back was sealed tight against his front. “We’re going to figure all this out, okay? We just don’t have to do it at two o’clock in the morning.”
I sighed and cuddled into him, finally allowing my eyes to slide shut again. No doubt I wouldn’t fall asleep right away, but it was hard to argue when he was absolutely right—and even harder because now that I was back in his arms, I really didn’t actually want to leave again.