Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
DANA
After crawling through traffic for an hour on the Gowanus Expressway, we decided to grab a coffee in Dumbo and wait for the roads to quiet down.
“I really didn’t think the traffic would be that bad given the holiday,” I said as we exited a trendy café in a converted warehouse, coffees in hand, and walked down the cobblestone lane toward Manhattan Bridge.
My legs had stiffened more during the drive and walking over the uneven cobblestones sent pains shooting up them.
But the fresh air and the iconic view of the bridge, framed by tall red-bricked buildings, was worth it.
We stepped out between the buildings and walked through the small park to the river, where a stunning view of the two bridges and the Manhattan skyline greeted us.
The last time I’d visited the city had been with Kelsey, four years ago.
We’d seen Hamilton, walked around Central Park and gone to the Met. It felt like a lifetime ago.
“Do you want to sit here?” Emily gestured at a stone step.
I nodded. “My legs would love that.”
As we sipped our coffees, we watched two small kids throwing pebbles into the river, laughing.
“My brother and I used to spend hours trying to do that at the river at our farm,” I said, watching as the kids’ dad demonstrated how to skip a rock across the water. “I never did get the hang of it.”
What was Jake doing right now? It would be back to a normal day on the farm for him and my parents. Bedding down the loafing sheds, unrolling hay bales to feed the cattle, fixing the tractor heaters. Business as usual. With Kelsey.
Huh. The thought of them together, the memory of Kelsey and me exploring Manhattan together, ached a little less than usual.
“So you were close growing up?” Emily asked, hugging her coffee cup to her chest.
The kids were throwing handfuls of pebbles into the water now, having given up any attempt to skip stones.
“Sorry. It's totally fine if you don’t want to talk about him,” Emily added.
I’d never told anyone about Jake and Kelsey, except for my parents on the day it happened. Since it seemed to be getting easier to think about them, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to talk about them? Talking it through might help.
“We were pretty much inseparable. Living on a farm is more isolating than city life. You can’t just walk to your friend’s house to hang out, so we spent a lot of time together.
We’re only eighteen months apart and had similar interests too.
We’d spend the summers climbing trees and playing in the river and on the sketchy tennis court Dad made Mom for her birthday—he’d made it smaller than a standard court to avoid cutting down any of the surrounding trees. It was perfect for us kids.”
“That sounds delightful,” Emily said as a blue-and-white ferry appeared from under the Brooklyn Bridge.
I smiled. “It really was an idyllic childhood. After school, we worked on our parents’ farm. We’d planned to both build houses on the property so we could live and work there and take over the farm together when our parents retired.”
I took a sip of coffee, watching as the boy nearly slipped off the rock, his sister grabbing his arm to steady him just in time.
“So what happened to change all of that?” Emily asked.
I swallowed. “A few years ago, I had a girlfriend, Kelsey. We’d been together for five years. We lived together, talked about our future together. We spent a lot of time with my family together.”
My fingers traced the side of my coffee cup. It felt so strange talking about Kelsey out aloud.
“Three years ago, we had Christmas dinner with my family. Kelsey had seemed a little withdrawn for a couple of months. I’d tried to talk to her about it, but she brushed it off.
I thought perhaps it was because she was struggling with losing Bowie the Christmas before…
” I let out a breath. “After dinner, we settled down to watch the football game, but then Kelsey went to take a nap in my old room. And then Jake took off for a nap as well.”
Emily’s eyes widened. Did she have a hunch where this was going?
“The game was a blowout, so I went to change so I could help Dad in the barn. I walked up the stairs and heard Kelsey and Jake talking in his room. I didn’t catch exactly what they said, but I heard Jake say, ‘We need to talk to Dana.’ I walked in, asked them what was going on, and it all came out.
They’d almost kissed. And it wasn’t the first time either.
There’d been attraction bubbling under the surface between them for well over a year.
They’d tried to ignore it, but it had been getting stronger. ”
“Oh god! I am so sorry,” Emily said. “What did you do?”
“I stormed out of the house and down to the river, trying to process it all. Kelsey found me there a while later. She was a mess. She said she had feelings for us both, and she didn’t know what to do.”
Emily whistled under her breath. “What did you say?”
“I told her we had to break up, that I couldn’t be with someone who was attracted to my brother.
I was so hurt, I told her they deserved each other.
And when Jake waylaid me as I was leaving, I told him the same thing.
I stayed with a friend that night and then found an Airbnb in Poughkeepsie for a week while I worked out what to do.
I needed to get away, so when I saw an ad for a job at Red Tractor Farm, with accommodation included, I jumped at it. ”
Emily rested her arm on her knees. “And so what ended up happening with Kelsey and Jake? Did they get together?”
“Not immediately. But eight months later, Jake called me and asked if it would be okay if they dated. I told him I didn’t care, that they could do whatever they wanted, and they did. Two years later, they’re still together.”
The blue-and-white ferry disappeared under the Manhattan Bridge.
“That’s so rough. How are you feeling about it all now?” Emily asked.
“I know, rationally, I should just move on. They didn’t actually cheat on me, I broke up with Kelsey and when Jake asked if they could date, I said it was fine.
But the hurt is still there. Until earlier this month, I hadn’t seen either of them since it happened.
It’s not like I’m still hung up on her, but…
I don’t even like to visit my parents’ house when Jake and Kelsey aren’t there because of all the memories, all the photos of Jake and me, and Bowie. ” My voice cracked.
Perhaps I should have said “no”, told Jake they couldn’t date.
But now, after my experience with Emily, I had more sympathy for them.
It was really hard, pining for someone you knew you couldn’t have.
And they’d done the right thing in telling me, asking me for my blessing…
Perhaps describing it as a betrayal wasn’t completely accurate.
But that was how it had felt at the time.
Emily placed her hand on my leg. Our eyes locked for a moment, and then Emily cleared her throat and took her hand away.
“I’m sorry. It’s no wonder you ended up disliking Christmas so much. I understand why you wouldn’t want to go home for it.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “But it’s not fair on Mom and Dad.
They’ve been understanding about the whole thing, but they’re having their fortieth wedding anniversary in February and really want me to be there.
Jake actually came to see me recently. He apologized again and asked if we could make an effort for Mom and Dad.
He also told me that he and Kelsey are expecting a baby, which was a bit of a shock.
I’d always wanted kids, but Kelsey hadn’t been interested.
Coming to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t have kids together had been tough. ”
Emily bit her lip. “That must have been difficult, especially if that had been a big deal for you.”
“Yeah. I guess Kelsey changed her mind, which is fine, of course. But it had been such a source of stress for me during our relationship, so I think it reopened old wounds., especially because I’m…
” I slammed my mouth shut. Sad and alone?
“Anyway, I am happy for them, but it’s been a lot to process. ”
“I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of this—that you’re still going through it.”
“I know I should just get over it and go back for Christmas. Spending time with your family yesterday reminded me what I’m missing out on.
But” —my voice cracked again— “I don’t know if I can do it.
The thought of seeing Jake and Kelsey together…
” I stared over the East River, watching a red-tailed hawk soar between the bridges.
Emily shifted closer to me. “Would it... Would it help if I came with you?”
My brow shot up. “But Christmas is your favorite holiday. Surely you’d want to spend it with your own family?”
Emily’s thumb fiddled with the lid of her coffee cup. “Well...you came to my Thanksgiving. I’m more than happy to return the favor.”
Emily was willing to give up her family Christmas to be there for me?
“Yeah, but I didn’t come to your Thanksgiving to help you. It was solely so I had some delicious food before I drove back to Sapphire Springs.”
“The only reason you were in Brooklyn to begin with was to get me to Thanksgiving on time. I wouldn’t have made it without you. Anyway, think about it, but if it would help things, I’d love to come.”
Was I really ready to go back home for Christmas? Having Emily there for support would certainly make facing Jake and Kelsey less daunting, but would it make things between Emily and me more challenging? The more time we spent together, surely the harder it would be to stay just friends.
“Can I think about it and let you know?” I asked.
“Of course,” Emily said. Then she took my hand and squeezed. “Whatever you need.”