Chapter 13 To beknot to be
Chapter thirteen
To be or knot to be
Trissa
Guilt is gnawing at me as I walk out onto the porch with my steaming coffee cupped in my hands the next morning.
I woke up and anxiously waited for a ‘good morning’ text from Cian, but it still hasn’t come through.
I kind of expected it, and the lack of contact from him as both Cian and Casper only serves to prove that I’m right…
but it still sucks. I’m betting an awful lot on the hope that this paranormal entity—who was apparently brutally murdered and probably has some pent-up ghost rage in there somewhere—likes me enough to not hold this plan against me.
After all, if it works we both get what we want—each other, without all the bullshit.
I inhale a deep breath, the fortifying aroma of coffee beans and cold, leafy autumn air dispersing some of my tension.
Autumn has always been my favorite season, especially here in New England.
There’s just something so magical about it, like a buzz in the air that’s energizing and almost palpable.
I let my eyes wander, taking in my surroundings for the first time.
This porch is a bit different from the smaller one that’s at the back of the house where the driveway sits.
It’s much grander, with wide railings and decorative trim.
I walk over to one of the railings and climb up to sit on the top of it, with my back resting against one of the round fluted columns.
I take a sip of my coffee and rest my head against the column as I swallow.
My eyes trace the evidence of a cobblestone looking path that forms a circle around a water fountain.
The fountain is wrapped in a tarp and I wonder briefly if it still works.
The estate seems to have kept everything in meticulous condition, so I imagine it does.
A smile pulls at my lips as I picture stringing up some twinkle lights on the trees surrounding the area.
I thought the orientation of the house was a little weird, with the front facing away from the driveway, but now I think it’s kind of awesome.
My own little oasis. Although technically even the side of the house facing the street is fairly private, seeing as there's a lot of tree cover and the driveway is long.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and pulls me out of my reverie.
I lift my favorite oversized fuzzy sweater—the one Kyle always hated because it has T-rexes holding fancy teacups plastered all over it, and reach into my pocket to grab my phone.
Gabbi’s name flashes on the screen and I answer the call, looking over my shoulder toward the house quickly.
I don’t know exactly how much of the property Cian can roam, but I’m thinking the porch is a safer bet for a private conversation than anywhere in the house.
“Triss? How did it go—did it work?” Gabbi’s voice is a rushed whisper, her questions tumbling out all at once.
I laugh and whisper back, “Gabs, you don’t have to whisper—he can’t hear you.”
“Oh, right. Well?” She whines and frustration seeps into her words, “did it work?”
“I—I think so. He hasn’t reached out to me as Cian or Casper since.” My earlier remorse flares back to life and I hesitate before I say, “Do you think maybe this is too much? I mean, what if I’m genuinely hurting his feelings?”
Gabbi sighs and tuts at me before she rasps, “Sure, Trissa… worry about the feelings of the horny ghost stalker who lied to you.”
I groan and nod my head even though she can’t see me, “No, no you’re right. That was dumb.”
“Can you repeat that for me,” her voice has a playful edge and I let out a little chuckle.
“Shut up!” I sigh and take another sip of my coffee before continuing, “Okay, so I’ll just ignore him completely…
and you’ll still be over later, with the stuff?
” Nerves send a little flush across my chest and I quickly down another long sip of coffee, the familiar flavor comforting me like a warm hug.
“Yeah, I only have one showing this morning and I’m gonna be there right after,” Gabbi mumbles around a mouthful of something. “Don’t wuss out on me. Stay strong and ignore that little shit. I’m serious Trissa, if Operation Ghost Cock is gonna work you gotta ice him out to get the results.”
I sigh and my shoulders slump slightly, “Yeah, I know Gabs. Thank you for this.” I know she’s right—this was literally my plan—but the idea of not interacting with Cian all day sends a pang of loneliness through my chest.
“You got this, babes. I’ll see you in a bit, love you.” I can hear some jostling noises in the background as Gabbi cleans up whatever she was eating.
“Love you too, bye.” Gabbi disconnects the call and I finish the last of my cooling coffee.
The chill is starting to nip at my fingers and cheeks and I shiver a little despite the warmth of my fuzzy sweater.
I grimace as I look back toward the door to the house.
I suppose I should head back inside and eat something before diving into some more unpacking.
My throat tightens with discomfort as I think about ignoring Cian if he tries to dance with me again.
Would he even want to after last night? Oh gods—what if I screw this up and lose the only chance I have at a built-in friend?
As much as I can’t deny the fact that I’m lusting hard for him, I also have really enjoyed all our interactions.
Knowing that Casper and Cian are the same person only makes it that much sweeter.
I’ve never felt companionship like this before—I mean, obviously I have Gabbi, but she has a life outside of this house, I don’t.
And neither does Cian. For the first time in my life since the accident, I won’t feel like I’m the reason someone feels trapped or stuck.
Maybe… maybe I can be the reason he feels free.
My heart beats faster at the thought, my soul soaring at the possibility of being something so powerful and imperative to someone; instead of just an option or convenience.
I don’t need love to want to embrace this relationship—to be honest I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt romantic love.
I was with Kyle for so long. We met in school and were friends first, when we got a little more serious I did feel butterflies, but after my parents died it’s like everything shifted.
We got comfortable, and then just thinking about changing anything gave me anxiety.
It’s like—if you’re drowning at sea, and you see a life raft, you grab it and hold on for dear life.
Maybe your life raft starts to look a little worse for the wear over time, but it’s gotten you this far, right?
But the power imbalance in a relationship like that doesn’t leave a lot of room for real love to grow.
I needed him, and he knew it. With Cian…
I feel a lust like I’ve never experienced before.
He makes my body come alive, and when we interact it just feels like he’s fully present.
Like what I say and think matters as much as our next breaths…
which I guess don’t matter that much for him.
I chuckle at that thought and shake my head.
Still, he makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay.
I take a quick breath, savoring the crispness of the autumn breeze, and hop down from the railing.
We can save each other. Resolve floods my veins and I walk toward the door with a renewed sense of purpose.
I’m not just doing this to get railed by a ghost, I’m doing this in hopes of setting us both free.
Maybe it’s crazy… probably it’s crazy but damn it—I don’t care.
For the first time in so, so long, I don’t feel crazy.
I smile as I walk through the door and head toward the kitchen, ready to ignore the fuck out of Cian.
Operation Ghost Cock is still a go, and by the time it’s over, I’m gonna bag my literal fantasy man!
I blow out an exhausted breath as I rush down the stairs to answer the door.
Thank the universe that Gabbi is finally here.
This day has dragged on, and on, and on.
Cian did finally text me, and it’s been so hard to just ignore him.
The last time I checked I was up to six unread messages, each one making my gut churn with apprehension.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s been subtly gusting wind at me and almost touching me, sending spine-tingling and toe-curling sensations throughout my body.
About three hours ago I had to change my damn panties because as much as my mind is set on OGC, my body is dialed in to Cian.
He’s backed off a little since then, but I wince as I remember whispering something about calling an exorcist. If I didn’t still feel his presence following me around the house, I probably would have panicked and blown the whole thing to reassure him and come clean.
I sprint toward the door in the kitchen and pull it open, smiling when Gabbi gives me a thumbs up with a question in her eyes. I nod quickly and gesture for her to come in before I clear my throat. “Yay! I’m so glad you could make it. I need your help!”
“Of course, you know you can count on me. How are things going with the ghost and your mystery pen pal?” Gabbi asks just a little too loud with a slightly practiced air that has me holding back a wince. Hopefully Cian is too keyed up to pick up on the weird vibes.
“Ugh! I don’t know. Casper is sexy as fuck but he’s not very stable, y’know?
It’s like every time I get all revved up and ready to go he just disappears on me.
Whispers some sweet nothings in my ears and poof he’s gone.
” I plaster my best exasperated pout on my face and reach for one of the bags Gabbi is carrying.
Cian tries to catch my attention with a slight breeze but I ignore it and spin on my heels.