15. Sabre
Sabre
I’ve fucked up so much. I’m not sure I realized it was possible to feel as lost as I do.
I’ve been so busy drowning my sorrows in a bottle, that I didn’t even know my daughter was busy going through hell.
I had lost touch with my beautiful granddaughter and have just been letting the world pass me by.
I need to fix that. Today is the first day in a very fucking long time that I haven’t had a drink.
I’m starting to feel that itch, but I tamp it down.
I need to be present so that I can help Daphne.
I once viewed her as a betrayal from the two people I loved most in this world.
Now, I know that I was fucking wrong. Daphne is the only person that truly matters from my past. I once loved Annie, but even before Latch died, there were cracks in our relationship.
She had this hunger to be the center of everything.
She got mad if I put the club first. She got mad if Latch and I wanted to be alone together.
She got mad if we went away on club business together.
There were hundreds of things that seemed to piss her off—to the point that even though I did my best to overlook them, to not think about it and pretend everything was fine…
it wasn’t. When I almost died while helping my president and the club, I reworked my priorities.
Annie was the love of my life. She grew up in some twisted version of happiness.
I needed to make allowances for that. Latch was a man that I loved as much as, if not more than, Annie.
A lot of people didn’t get that type of relationship, but it was true.
Latch and I may not have been attracted to one another sexually, but we loved each other deeply.
It satisfied me completely being with him.
We would share a woman when we wanted sex, but that’s all it was.
We had each other for everything else. Hell, it was the same for him.
We tried once to kiss, to touch, to see if we could bring one another pleasure.
It didn’t happen for either of us. Hell, we couldn’t even get hard.
That’s actually how we discovered that sharing a woman brought us more pleasure than we’d ever known in bed.
I never meant to fall for Annie. She took me by complete surprise.
I knew introducing her to Latch was a gamble.
To find out that Annie wanted him, came to care for him, it was a happy surprise—especially when it became clear that Latch had feelings for her too.
The three of us were happy and Latch and I made one rule.
It would only be the three of us in the bedroom.
If it became just me and Annie or him and Annie, it changed the dynamic.
Early on I had taken Annie to bed alone, but once the three of us were solid that stopped.
So, when I came back to my wife and my best friend, I decided to put away the unsettling feeling that Annie’s demands put on me.
Her and Latch were all that I needed. We had a son together.
I was the biological father, but it could have just as easily been Latch.
We only found out because Drew needed blood, and Latch couldn’t be a donor.
Drew had the same rare blood type as I did.
I was afraid Latch would be upset, but he wasn’t.
He loved Drew regardless, and part of me hated the fact that my body didn’t want to lose itself in him the way it did with Annie.
Yet, this thing between the three of us was good.
I didn’t love her like I loved Latch, but I did love her …
I push those thoughts away. I can’t think about losing Latch, about the breakup with Annie, about losing the life that I truly believed would be mine forever.
I only have here and now, and I’ve failed, Latch, Daphne and Cammie.
I need to fix that. My gaze moves to the adjoining kitchen and my ex-wife standing by the breakfast bar, talking to Daphne.
The two of us failed each other. In the end, it destroyed us, but I need to put that behind me, too.
“You okay, Sabre?” Pez asks me.
My gaze goes to his worried one, and then drops down to look at Cammie, her attention solely on some weird Disney movie about a singing snowman and princess. I shake my head. When did kids stop liking Bugs Bunny or hell even Johnny Bravo? I feel fucking old.
“You going to tell me what I got my granddaughter for her birthday?” I ask, with a smirk.
He grins. “Something she’ll like.”
I laugh, slapping him on the shoulder. “Were you going to tell me you are in love with my daughter?”
“I don’t?—”
“Don’t lie to me, Pez. It’s written all over your face.”
He scrubs his hand through his hair and looks down at the ground. “Fine. I do, but you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to do anything about it,” he vows, holding his head down. I can tell he feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.
“Well, that’s damn disappointing,” I mutter, watching him closely.
His head jerks up quickly. He looks at me like I’m the insane one.
I shake my head. That saying youth is wasted on the young , is true.
You make everything so complicated at that age.
I did the same. It shouldn’t be. Hopefully, Pez is smart enough to figure that out.
It also can’t hurt if I give him a little nudge.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he argues.
“I do. You love Daphne. The woman needs a real man who cares about her, and her daughter, to have their back. You seem to be a man that can do that. Maybe I’m wrong,” I taunt him.
“I would protect the both of them with my life. You don’t even have to worry about that. I promised Cap the same thing.”
“I don’t doubt it, Pez. You already saved my son. What I don’t understand is why you seem to be keeping my girl at arm’s length.”
“Because she deserves better than me. There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me—things Daphne and Cap don’t know. She deserves better than me.”
I laugh, I can’t help it. “Do you really think the officers of the Devil’s Blaze would vote in a stranger without having you vetted?
I mean, I didn’t know you were the Elijah Collier that saved my son at first. Only after we got the paperwork back on you, man.
I know everything and I’m telling you right now, if you let Daphne slip through your fingers, you’re not the man I thought you were. ”
“Papaw?”
“Yeah, Pixie,” I say with a grin, taking the nickname I’ve heard both Daphne and Pez use.
“When can I open presents?”
“Well, let’s ask Mommy,” I respond, as I see her in my peripheral vision, walking up to us.
“Mama!” Cammie cries, practically jumping in Daphne’s arms. Daphne staggers and immediately Pez steadies her, rising up and keeping a hand on her hip to keep her from falling.
Daphne looks over her shoulder at him, with Cammie, nuzzled against her chest. “Thanks,” she whispers, embarrassment and probably something else heating her cheeks and turning them pink.
It’s times like this that she reminds me of Latch the most and the ache in my chest feels like it just might destroy me.
“Mama, I want to open my prezzzents!” she exclaims drawing out the word presents and making more with a ‘Z’ sound in the word.
“But what about cake and ice cream? Or that game you wanted?”
“Where we put Olaf’s nose on him?” she squeals.
“That’s the one,” Daphne laughs.
“Can I open one gift?”
Annie comes over to join us and to my surprise she sits in the empty space on the sofa beside me.
She’s not close, but it’s still a shock.
I bet Doctor Dickhead wouldn’t like it, not that it means anything anymore.
Our relationship is in the past. Still, I like that we can put shit aside to be here for our kids.
“She sounds just like Drew and Daphne did at that age,” she laughs, looking at me.
“She does,” I agree with a smile. Whatever else went wrong, those memories are good ones.
“Just one,” Daphne caves, making me grin. “Which one do you want to open?”
“Pez’s!!!” she cries, jumping up and down. I watch as Pez’s eyes widen in shock, but the huge grin on his face comes almost instantly. Yeah, he’s in deep with my girls. I just hope he doesn’t fuck it up.
“I’ll just get?—”
“I’ll get it, Skittles,” Pez murmurs. I can see the way my girl looks at him.
It’s a little uncomfortable for a dad to see, but still, I’d much rather Daphne ends up with a good man like Pez over that fuck-head Dane.
I never did like that guy. I put up with him because he seemed to spoil my girls.
Daphne seemed like she was happy. After what I saw today, I’m going to make sure he’s completely out of the picture.
“What’s with all the candy nicknames?” Annie asks with a huff. There’s the Annie I’m more accustomed to seeing lately. She’d probably feel better if she ate some candy instead of injecting Botox. “I’m gaining weight just hearing the names.”
“I remember you used to have a sweet tooth. Cookies were a regular dessert at our house,” I add. I know I’m an asshole for bringing it up, but I hate this bitchy side of her that I see anymore. Annie wasn’t always like that, and I miss the young girl she used to be.
“He’s right, Mom. I always liked your chocolate chip ones.
They were my favorite,” Daphne says, having no idea that I’m referring to anything but the kind of cookies that you put in the oven.
I smirk at Annie. She’s doing her best not to give herself away in this conversation, but I see the anger glowing in her eyes.
“I wike chock-et chip,” Cammie says.
“What were your favorites, Dad?” Daphne asks.
I give Annie a wolfish grin. She narrows her eyes, telling me without words that I better shut up. It’s her fault if she doesn’t remember that I rarely hold back.
“I like the cream filled cookie she used to serve,” I reply blandly. I can feel Annie’s body tighten next to me. I fight the urge to laugh.
“I don’t remember those,” Daphne answers, sounding sad.
“I quit making them,” Annie injects immediately.
“How come?” Daphne asks.
“It’s one of those recipes that you don’t make that often, so you get rusty on the ingredients and before you know it, they are dry and tasteless because not enough love goes into them. It’s part of the reason I gave up baking them altogether,” she says.
Her hidden barbs are definitely hitting, but I brush off the feeling.
I can’t let her get the last word. “Well, back then you were buying the cheap ingredients. I’m sure with Nathan’s money you’re buying the extremely expensive ones these days,” I respond, just as Pez comes back–armed with two medium size presents wrapped in paper covered in a snowman.
Not sure who he is, but he’s sure not Frosty.
“You’re an asshole,” Annie murmurs quietly next to my ear while the others are distracted.
“Takes one to know one, baby,” I purr back.
“I think I liked you better as a drunk,” she says while Daphne and Cammie laugh over Cammie trying to decide which of the two presents to open.
“Even more reason to stay sober,” I quip, before turning my attention back to my girls.
“Okay fine. Since you’re both ganging up on me,” Daphne laughs looking at Cammie who is now sitting on Pez’s lap.
Yeah, I need to help this guy get his head out of his ass.
I’ve been living that way for too many years.
I don’t want to see him do it, not when his shot of happiness is staring him in the eyes.
I suppose I’m more invested because I think Pez can make my daughter happy in ways that fuck-head Dane never could.
“Yay! We won, Pez!” Cammie yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down in Pez’s lap. I notice he’s got a firm hold on my granddaughter, though. He’s not about to let her get hurt. Yeah. He’s got it bad. Maybe Drew can help me push Pez towards Daphne. It’s worth mulling over.
“That we did, Pixie,” Pez replies as he helps steady the present in Cammie’s lap. “This one isn’t actually from me,” Pez says. “This one is from Papaw Sabre.”
My gut gets tight, because I know I failed here.
Pez saved my ass and honestly, I owe him.
That’s not the reason I want him with Daphne, but it’s a nice bonus just the same.
It’d be good if this time I got a son-in-law I actually like and respect.
I don’t think I’d feel quite so alone if I could go to Daphne’s for the holidays and feel comfortable.
I never did with Dane here and his snooty-ass family.
They didn’t want to be associated with a biker, and it showed.
Perhaps it’s time I start digging deeper in the file I have on Dane.
I made one when he and Daphne first got involved.
I couldn’t find anything really bad, but there were signs.
I stopped looking because he seemed to spoil Daphne, and my girl was happy.
Now, though? Maybe I can get Pez’s help.
“Papaw you got me Olaf paper!” Cammie cheers. Well, I guess I know the name of the silly looking snowman now.
“It’s your favorite,” I guess.
She giggles. “I love Olaf!” I seemed to have guessed right.
Yay me . I’ve been such a dick. Cammie starts digging into the present and once the wrapping comes off, she just stares at the box for a minute, as if she doesn’t really know what it is.
You and me both, kiddo. Then, all at once her hands start slapping on the box.
“It’s Olaf dance-off, Mama! Papaw got me Olaf dance-off! ”
Olaf what? God, I hope that’s good.
“He sure did, baby,” Daphne says with a huge smile.
She practically shoves the present at her mom and jumps from Pez’s lap. She runs over to me, throwing her hands out. I pick her up at once and she hugs me tightly. “Thank you, Papaw. I wanted it so much!”
Fuck, the feeling of this child in my arms, hugging me the way she is, while calling me papaw, makes tears gather in my eyes. I can feel their sting. I don’t mind them though. I let them flow out unchecked. I just soak the moment up.
“I’m glad, baby. Papaw loves you,” I whisper, my chest feeling so tight that it hurts to breathe.
“Will you pway it with me?” she mumbles against me.
“Absolutely,” I say at once. I have no idea what it is, but I’d do anything for this kid. Absolutely anything.