Chapter 12
CORMAC
All the tension I had in my body before is gone.
I’m no longer thinking about what is going on with Darren, or the misdirect Dean threw at me. I’m not concerned with what my father wants me to do; all I’m thinking about is how I get my body to feel like this all the time.
I know the answer.
I’d have to be balls-deep inside of Brenna for all of my days. I’m sure I can’t do that.
I don’t know. I’ll have to ask her.
“What are you thinking about?” Brenna questions after she fixes her dress and finger-combs her hair. As if anyone wouldn’t know she just got railed in the back of this truck.
“I’m thinking about nothing. For the first time in a long while, it’s just peaceful.”
“A good orgasm will do that.” She jokes and slowly moves closer to me, as if she’s testing out what I will allow. I lift my arm and tug her closer to my side. I want her as close as she wants to be.
“What about you?”
“I’m thinking about how much has changed in just a few weeks. And what is going to happen in the future.”
“Hmm.” The future. I never really gave much thought to the future, but now that Brenna is here maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to think about it.
“That’s all very heavy. I don’t think I can lift that right now.” I groan and let my head lay lazily against the headrest.
“Yeah, I guess that would be a conversation for a different time. So… can I assume you’re not upset with me?”
I open my eyes and look at her, raising my eyebrow in question.
“You know, for being a bitch and pretending like I didn’t remember what happened last night.”
I clench my jaw and look away from her. Not that it matters now, I already knew she remembered. “Why did you try to deny it in the first place? I thought we had a good time.”
“We did. It was great. Marvelous. Magical even. I guess that was the problem. I’m not supposed to have magical nights with you. I’m a prisoner here. This is like some form of Stockholm syndrome or something. I’m supposed to hate you, not fall into bed with you every chance I get.”
“You do realize you’re not the only prisoner in this situation, right? I can’t get out of this marriage even if I wanted to.”
Now it’s her turn for her eyebrows to raise. She curls up closer to me. “Does that mean you don’t want to? Get out of this marriage, I mean.”
I press a kiss to her forehead. “You’ve ruined me. I don’t know how, but I’d be useless if you were to leave.”
This causes her smile to widen, and she hums in appreciation.
She buries her head under my chin as we continue to drive back home. It’s been an hour and a half, but now we are deep in the more populated parts of town. The traffic is atrocious.
As we sit there in silence, just holding on to each other, I start to think about the last time I’ve seen anyone in a relationship. The various women Killian used to bring around never counted as a relationship. No, the last relationship I’ve ever seen was my mother and my father.
That didn’t end well.
Still, when she was alive, I never really saw my father and her in any type of loving embrace.
It was more like a servant-served relationship.
They spoke from time to time. My mother was attentive to us when she needed to be, but she was close-lipped when it came to my father disciplining us. At least most of the time.
I wonder if my father ever felt like she could be a liability. I know that’s how I feel right now.
I wasn’t lying when I told Brenna that I would be useless if she were to leave.
If something were to happen to her, or if someone would hurt her, I don’t think I’d be able to cope.
All of these new emotions stirred up simply because she took the time to try and get to know me.
Even with the fact being that she was forced into this marriage, she is trying.
I need to keep her safe. At all times. But her safety is in direct conflict with the things she has told me she wants to be happy. Mainly the ability to go outside.
How do I allow her to do that without losing my ever-loving mind?
“They really go all out around here with the Halloween decorations,” Brenna speaks, and it takes me a second to focus on what she’s saying.
“I see that. It’s been a long time since I was out during this time of year.”
She lifts her head from my chest and looks at me in surprise. “Really? I mean, I guess that makes sense. For someone who doesn’t like to go outside or have anyone in your house, I guess you would’ve missed some festivities.”
“It’s okay. I don’t need to be part of it.”
“Why not? It’s fun.” She is getting excited.
“Brenna, it’s not fun for me. I don’t like it.”
“How do you know you don’t like something if you never try it?”
“I don’t need to try something to know I won’t like it. I’m not a child. I had over a decade of Halloween. That’s enough.”
“A child? The last time you celebrated Halloween was when you were a child?”
I sigh, not liking the direction this conversation is going in the least. “Yes, before I got the burn on my face. When I was fifteen years old.”
Her lip pokes out in a pout. “That has to change.”
“No, it doesn’t.” I lean back in the chair and do my best to push away all the messed-up feelings this conversation is bringing up. How much have I missed out on because of how I look?
“Yes, it does.”
Simultaneously, two things happen. The traffic comes to a standstill, and Brenna is darting out of the car.
brENNA
Oh, man. Am I in trouble.
“Brenna!” I hear Cormac yell after me as my feet hit the pavement, and I make my way into the first store that I see. I don’t even know what the store sells; it’s the simple fact that there are other people around and it’s a place of commerce that interests me.
At first, I expect Cormac to send the drivers out after me, but when I hear solo footsteps rushing in my direction, I know he is the one that has come to collect me.
I slide through the racks and displays, still not even bothering to look up at what I’m moving through. All I can think about is getting deep enough into the store that it will look strange for Cormac to just come in here and throw me over his shoulder to take me away.
He refuses to tell me the actual reason for him not wanting to go outside. I’m sure he is concerned about our safety, but someone could come into our house and kill us the same way they could kill us in the store.
“Brenna!” I hear Cormac again. This time his voice is a low, grinding whisper. He’s trying not to call too much attention to himself. Knowing that he is in the store and looking for me instead of just burning it down with me inside puts me at ease even just a little bit.
Now I look around.
I can’t suppress the giggle that pops out of my mouth when I look forward and my gaze goes up and up.
There is a large floating man with a jack-o’-lantern head on display. The racks aren’t just stuffed with clothing. They are stuffed with costumes. Everything from novelty inflatable dinosaurs to sexy pirates with eye patches as the top.
I’ve managed to wander into one of those pop-up costume shops. There are several people in the store, a few kids running around, and workers in all the corners with plastic smiles on their faces.
This is exactly the kind of shop I’d have spent hours in back home in Ireland. I’d have tried on every last costume and picked up every last fake weapon.
I take a step to move in another direction, but a hand on my arm yanks me in the other direction.
“What the hell do you think you are doing? I told you what would happen if you try to run away from me again.” Cormac growls in my ear and tries to pull me back, but I keep my feet planted on the floor before I turn and put a gentle hand on his chest.
He looks down at it like he’s confused. Maybe he expects me to be mad right now.
I’m not. This is just a little fun. I’m so tired of being cooped up in one place for so long.
I don’t know what he can’t understand about that.
I’m not made to be hidden away like some rare bird. I need the sunlight. People. Fresh air.
Hell, I need to shop.
I am a woman, after all.
“If you don’t stop pulling me like that, the workers are going to start to think you are abducting me. Do you really want the cops to come and question you about a kidnapping charge?” I tilt my head up at him, a smile on my face and a lightness in my tone.
He looks around the store, his eyes darting in every corner before they focus back on me. “Brenna, I don’t want to be in here.”
“Where do you want to be, then? What store would be good for you? Tractor Supply? Bath and Body Works? The grocery store?” I hiss back at him, exasperated.
“I don’t care what store we go to. Just tell me where you want to go, and I’ll be more than happy to walk around that store with you.
Tell me where you want to go.” I’m looking up into his face, but his eyes are not on me. They are still darting around the room.
Not focusing on anything or anyone in particular. They drift over to shadows and moving objects.
“I want to go home.” His voice is lower, still not focused on me.
Blinking a few times, I take in his expression, and my eyes scan his body. His shoulders are tensed up. His hands are shaking, and I can see from the pulse point in his neck that his heart rate is skyrocketing. There is sweat beading on his forehead, and his lips are dry.
This isn’t anger.
This is fear.
This whole time, I thought Cormac didn’t want me to go outside because he was trying to control me. Trying to keep me under his thumb when it seems like the exact opposite is what’s really going on here.
He doesn’t want to go outside because he feels like he can’t.
The big beast of a man is suffering with social anxiety.
He’s suffering, and I just threw him headfirst into an intense exposure exercise.
I feel like such a bitch. I should’ve asked more questions before I just did what I always do. What I wanted.