Chapter 28 #2
The harsh buzz of static jolts me from my paralysis. I whip my head toward my abandoned clock radio on the bookshelf. Snippets of several songs start and stop before coming through crystal clear on a station playing CeeLo Green’s “Forget You.”
Subtle, Trip.
I walk over to shut the radio off, and it gives me the moment I need.
“How long?” I turn back to face Carter. “How long have you lo—felt this way?”
Because I have loved you my whole life. Have spent years yearning for a hint that this was something more. Lived and died by your approval. Turned every word over in my mind and played back every interaction to parse the meaning, uncover if there was something on your end. And still, nothing.
“Well…” He scratches his neck. “I’m not sure there was an exact moment. More of a gradual realization over the past few months.”
My chest tightens. I close my eyes, afraid to see any reaction play out across his face. But I need to ask it. “And that one summer?”
There’s no sound except for the hum of my radiator and the outside traffic. Unable to bear the silence, I open my eyes.
Carter’s eyes soften. He doesn’t need to ask which summer.
It was seven years ago, before our senior year of college and the only time we’ve been physically intimate, the only time our friendship crossed a line into something more.
Twisted bedsheets, frantic hands unsure which parts of each other to touch first, to touch next.
The smell of sweat mixed with cedar and summer air.
Looking into his hazel eyes and thinking, This is it, the moment that changes everything. My heart exploding.
Carter steps forward and cups my face in both of his hands. His thumbs draw small lines on my cheekbones.
“I’ll never forget that night.” There’s no trace of doubt, no hesitancy to his voice.
I turn my face away, but his hand stops me.
“But nothing changed.” My voice comes out unnaturally loud, but I won’t let myself waver.
Keep eye contact, Libby. Ask him why he never acknowledged it after it happened.
“You never—we just—” I swallow. “Things went back to normal. I thought something might change. After we slept together.”
There’s a shift in the room. An absence. Like opening Babcia’s kitchen window on a cool day and letting the heat from the oven and the potent cloud of horseradish disappear into the outdoor air. There’s a prickling at the back of my neck and then nothing.
Trip is gone.
Carter exhales. “But that night is the perfect example of why we’re right for each other.”
“Wha—”
“Because things didn’t change, Libby. We didn’t make it weird or awkward. You didn’t demand we suddenly start holding hands constantly or put a label on things.”
I wanted to.
“You’re good for me, Libby. You don’t put pressure on me. You’re content with what we have. And so am I.”
“Content…?”
The word barely forms on my lips before his mouth crashes toward me. I twist out of his grasp and take a step back, throwing my wrist up over my face.
The two halves of my brain go to war with each other.
What the hell are you doing? Carter Coldwell is trying to kiss you!
But it doesn’t feel right. And I’m not an asshole. Think of Sabrina.
I lower my arm. My chest rises and falls, adrenaline coursing through me. I could scale the walls with this energy.
Carter stands there in the same position, hand rising inch by inch toward his mouth, which hangs open. His tongue presses against his bottom lip, and he rubs his jaw like he’s been sucker punched.
“Libby—”
“What are you going to do?” I will my voice to be at least ten decibels louder. “Are you going to tell Sabrina?”
“I think that depends on how you feel about all this, don’t you?”
I rub my arms, goose bumps prickling my skin. How is this my decision?
“I think we both need to sleep on it. Come back to this in the light of day. You’re under a lot of stress right now—”
“That’s not why I’m doing this, Libby.” His eyebrows press together, casting shadows over his eyes.
I step forward, placing the tips of my fingers on his biceps. Not too much. The minimum amount of touching. “I still think some time would be good. There’s a lot—to consider.”
He lets my words hang there, searching my eyes. My stomach flutters. Please don’t try to kiss me again.
“Fine.” He hangs his head like a chastened schoolboy.
Carter moves to the entryway, picks up his coat, and scrunches it between his fists.
“Call me, okay? When you’re ready.” He doesn’t meet my eyes.
“Carter—” I reach out and my hand hangs in the air between us.
He lets it. “I’m staying at my mom’s, by the way. In case you need me.”
“Oh?” I drop my hand.
“The alarm system went off the other day while she was out and she’s all nervous about staying there alone.”
Great. My knees wobble and my heart rises toward my throat. “Was there a break-in?”
He shrugs. “Supposedly, but the cameras glitched and didn’t catch anything. And nothing was taken or damaged. I personally think it was a system malfunction. Or some stray cat set it off or something.”
My limbs lighten and my galloping heart rate slows. “Still, I’m sure she appreciates you staying with her.”
“Yup. That’s what I’m here for, right?” His smile has none of its usual warmth. “Family first.”
He twists the doorknob and doesn’t look back as he leaves.
My insides scream as I let him walk away. The man I’ve loved. The man who loves me.
The latch clicks shut. More than a door separates us now.