10. Ivy
IVY
Apparently, without the weight of despair on my shoulders, I can breeze through the week with ease. Lessons feel irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but that makes me eat them up more.
I'm locked in, determined to expand my mind, which is easy enough when there’s no drama or attacks on the kingdom threatening our power source.
My only real irritation with the week is how I barely crossed paths with Meadow. Other than a few meal times, we’ve been passing ships, and I feel pretty down about it, especially knowing she’s going through a tough time.
I want to be there for my friend, and what we've had so far isn't enough.
That all changes tonight, though. After our chat earlier in the week, we came to the conclusion that tonight is all about forgetting, and next week, on the actual anniversary of her mother’s passing, we will do something to remember her by.
So, the plan for an epic girls’ night is on the cards, and with my mother’s visit a distant memory, I’m more than ready to let my hair down and embrace the hype. But those are the plans for tonight, and my sorry butt chose to wake up far too early this morning.
Right now, it's me, the familiar four walls of my room, and the desire to do something that's for me. If my friend needs me, I need to be at my best, fully fueled with energy to pour into her, and to do that, I need to feed my soul first.
It would help if I knew what that actually looked like.
Freshly showered, dressed, and fed, I pace back and forth by the window, searching for a miracle answer to my predicament.
The mid-morning sun warms my room, encouraging me to face it. Tilting my head back, I let the rays wash over me, and I’m reminded that the first time my mother was here, she mumbled that it was a phoenix thing.
Maybe I just need to go outside, charge myself up, and be my best self.
Before I can consider getting my shoes on, my gaze falls to the desk before me, black cursive writing capturing my attention.
My to-do list.
I reach for it instinctively, bringing it to the edge of the wood as I read each line.
I want to find myself.
I want to control my fire without setting myself on fire.
I want to feel a sense of pride in being a phoenix.
I want to make my father pay for what he did to me.
I want to whoop Teddy’s butt at fencing.
I want to fly on a dragon.
I want to find my place in the world without my parents’ control.
I want to love so hard it hurts.
I want to see more than what my sheltered life has confined me to.
I want to forgive but not forget.
I should give this attention. This is exactly what I need right now.
I should focus on a part of me that is for no one else, not tangled up in heritage and drama, lies, secrets, and revelations.
Just me.
Apparently, the sun has recharged me enough to latch onto something.
I want to find myself.
I don’t think I’m going to achieve that until I tick everything else off this list, and even then, I may find another list of ten things to do. Finding myself is such a broad spectrum; I need to narrow it down further than that.
I want to control my fire without setting myself on fire.
That’s important. I feel like it also requires assistance, and I want to make myself feel all good on my own.
But I make a mental note to consider asking Archer about it.
Maybe Dorian. Just not Silas. Despite how bad I feel for him, I don’t want to unnecessarily rock the boat I call life right now.
There are enough waves to contend with as it is.
I want to feel a sense of pride in being a phoenix.
My stomach knots at the words.
A sense of pride…
Do I feel that?
Maybe.
But it’s twisted in vines, poisoned by the desire for power and control from others, and completely lost due to a lack of knowledge and understanding.
Yeah, that’s not for today.
I want to make my father pay for what he did to me.
Well, technically, I didn’t, but he’s paid a price far heavier than I’m sure he ever assumed he would.
That’s no longer required on the list.
I want to make my father pay for what he did to me.
Next.
I want to whoop Teddy’s butt at fencing.
Hell yes, I do.
I’m not there yet, but training might be an option. An email was sent late last night confirming the usual class had been canceled for the weekend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still go.
Halfway through the list, and I have one immediate option.
I want to fly on a dragon.
My heart stutters.
That was almost true the other day when Lucky offered. I also promised to see Alaric later, but I’m not just going to blurt it out. Hopefully, Lucky will offer me a ride again another time.
I want to find my place in the world without my parents’ control.
I’m halfway there since one parent is dead, but the other still lingers like a bad odor, trapped in the crevice of my life, insistent on causing me distress.
That’s not a task for today.
I want to love so hard it hurts.
My lips press together as butterflies soar inside of me.
I’m not even thinking about that one right now.
I want to see more than what my sheltered life has confined me to.
This could be anything. Something beyond Heaven’s Ridge, somewhere outside of campus.
I’ve never even considered asking if we can leave the academy. If we can, I could go… anywhere.
Grabbing my device off my nightstand, I don’t wait around to send Ember a message.
Ivy: Hey, am I allowed to leave campus?
I don’t wait for a response; I know her device is a weird contraption that she looks at when she gets a chance, but she doesn’t get to carry it around like I do.
Instead, I return my focus to the final thing on the list.
I want to forgive but not forget.
I’m already trying that, and it’s not going to happen overnight, just like many other things on my list. Which brings my attention back to the halfway mark.
I want to whoop Teddy’s butt at fencing.
My device chimes on the desk, distracting me for a moment. Except it’s not a response from Ember, but a message from Hugo.
Hugo: Hey, Vee. I’ve got an hour spare and I was wondering if you’re free to hang out? My fencing gear could use some dusting off…
A squeal parts my lips as I leap in the air, excitement flooding my veins as I tap out a response so fast I can’t keep track of my thumbs.
Ivy: YES! Meet you at the fencing space on campus?
I thankfully don’t have to wait long for a response.
Hugo: I’ll be there in ten minutes.
I don’t bother to reply, leaving my device on my desk as I drop to my knees and tug my fencing bag out from underneath my bed. I gather my things in record time before hiking my bag over my shoulder and racing for the door.
There's a bounce to my step, and I love it, but as I swing my door open, I falter.
Does this count as needing an escort? My instincts tell me no, but my mother and Leonardo’s ability to get to me in my dorm room makes me think twice.
Choosing help isn’t the same as being chaperoned, Ivy.
Reiterating my thoughts, I close my door, only to knock on the one next to it. It only takes a moment for the wood to swing open before I’m graced with a shirtless Archer.
His dark hair looks freshly washed and a little disheveled with no product in it and it makes me smile.
“Ivy,” he breathes, and my gaze returns to his. “Is everything okay?” he asks, his gaze flitting between me and my bag.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry, I just…”
Knowing I need help and actually asking for it are two completely different things.
“Ivy?”
Gulping, I take a deep breath. “I’m going to meet Hugo at the fencing room, over—”
“Let me grab a shirt and I’ll go with you,” he states, cutting off my rambling with an answer when I hadn’t even managed to get to the question.
I press my lips into a thin line, trying to hide my smile as he leaves his door open, grabs a t-shirt off his bed, and slips into a pair of sneakers before he strides toward me again
His gaze travels from me to my bag and back again as he joins me in the hallway.
“Can I take that from you?” he asks, nodding at my bag, and I nod.
He shrugs it over his shoulder with ease as he guides me toward the stairs.
“Fencing, huh? Hugo said you were good, and Teddy confirmed it; I just hadn’t considered it being a reality until now,” he states, and I clear my throat.
“Yes. It was a way to spend time with Hugo at first. My parents despised the idea of me doing it, and that only made me want to do it more.”
Understanding flashes in his eyes. Like he knows what it’s like to want to prove someone wrong.
Especially a parent.
I sigh as we make it outside, basking in the heat, staying by his side as we cut across campus.
“Are you up to anything today?” I ask, instantly regretting my awkward attempt at small talk, but he offers me a half smile, which almost feels like a success.
“I have a meeting with my father later, but otherwise, I was just hoping to be on hand for you,” he admits, and my eyebrows furrow.
“You don’t have to wait around for me all day.”
He shrugs. “I want to.”
“You should have just knocked on my door then. At least then we could have done… something.”
“I don’t think my little black heart could take the rejection,” he admits, sadness tainting the corners of his eyes as the truth ghosts his lips. I don’t need to feel his palm to know it.
I hadn’t considered the uncertainty on their end.
Everything is a mess right now, that much is true, but the confusion is only making it worse. The empath in me wants to make it all okay, but being a people pleaser is ruining my own sanity, so figuring out where the line is between not just him and I, but all of us, is hard.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe, and he shakes his head.
“Don’t be sorry, Ivy. Just be you. I’ve spent long enough inadvertently trying to clip your wings, and that was never my intention. I want a front-row seat to watch you evolve into who you were always meant to be.”
My heart stutters.
Who knew the grouchy Fire Protector could be so good with words?
“Thank you,” I whisper, unsure what else to say. He offers me a full smile this time, one that meets his eyes, and I know I’ve just captured a rare sight.