Chapter Thirty-One
Reese
Iwiped at my eyes as I openly cried in public.
The confrontation with my mom made me realize that I needed help.
I couldn’t keep living with this feeling of doom.
Two weeks in, and I was already glad I started therapy.
I’d been working closely with my therapist, a kind woman named Kelsey, who was helping me work through my long-standing, undiagnosed anxiety and abandonment issues.
I feared talking to a stranger about my most insecure and ugly parts would be painfully awkward.
I was surprised by how easily and freely I could talk to someone who didn’t know me from the outside world.
I entered each session feeling broken beyond repair, but I left feeling empowered to focus on the present and what I could control. And I always left crying.
We had discussed starting me on medication to help with my day-to-day anxiety, but I wanted to try some of her least invasive advice first. For the last week, I had been working on my breathing. Whenever I felt the anxiety creep up on me, I would stop and start focusing on my breath.
I would inhale for eight seconds through my nose, then exhale for ten seconds through my mouth. I would repeat the breathing cycle until I felt myself relax. If that didn’t help block out the extra noise, I would ground myself using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.
Five things I could see, four things I could touch, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste.
Going to therapy made me feel more in control of my life than I had in a very long time, and I was glad I had taken that step.
To fully focus on our sessions together, I always made sure my phone was on mute. I didn’t get a lot of phone calls these days, but I figured that just in case a scammer was calling to tell me my extended warranty was about to expire, they could leave a voicemail.
Once in my car, I picked my phone up out of my purse. My vision was blurry from the tears when I opened my phone and saw I had seventeen messages, all from Beth.
Beth: Reese, please call me.
Beth: Call me!
Beth: Where are you???????
Beth: CALL ME. NOW.
I dialed her number as I got into my car, and my heart pounded in my chest as it rang. She picked up after the first ring.
“Reese? Where are you? What are you doing?”
“I was in a therapy session,” my voice was husky and cracked a little.
“Aw, sweetheart, how’s it going? Sorry, no. We can talk about that later. I need to talk to you.” Her voice was shrill enough to make me sit up straight.
“What’s wrong, Beth? Are you okay?”
I’m okay. Sorry, I’m okay. But..." She hesitated, and I felt like I was going to pass out from the anticipation. “It’s Kelly.”
“Kelly? Is he okay?” I thought of the worst. He was dead. He went surfing, and he drowned. He got eaten by a shark. He was killed on impact on his drive home from work. He was in the hospital, intubated, because he refused to get a cat scratch looked at, and he was now dying of cat scratch fever.
The anxiety that had run my whole life was now in full effect. I took a deep breath in through my nose. One, two...I counted until I could let it out. My head was spinning, but it did ground me as Beth continued on.
“He’s okay. It’s his Tutu.”
“Is she back in the hospital?” She was at risk of having another stroke. God, did they put her on a blood thinner? I would have known this if I had stuck around. I would have advocated for her.
“She died.” Her words hung in the air between us, and I felt like I was going to throw up and ugly cry all at the same time.
“Hello? Honey?” Beth’s voice was soft.
“I’m...I’m here.” I clutched my chest. I loved Tutu. Kelly...the Iona family...that whole damn island loved Tutu. She couldn’t die. “Are you sure?”
“I am. Lilly told me when I got to work this morning. They are closing down the diner for the rest of the week.”
A sob escaped me, and tears streamed down my face. “How is Kelly?” I hadn’t asked Beth about Kelly since I left. It was too painful to know. I deleted his number to resist the temptation to call him.
“I don’t know,” Beth said softly. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I know how close you and Tutu had become. I just thought you'd want to know.”
A heavy silence settled between us, and I briefly thought she might have hung up.
“Reese?” she said, snapping me out of my trance.
“Yes?” I managed to say back.
“Do you want me to give him your condolences?” She didn’t have to specify who ‘him’ was.
“No, that’s okay. He wouldn’t want to hear from me,” I all but whimpered.
“Okay,” Beth said, and I could tell even with all the distance between us that she was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself. “Call me if you need anything. I love you,” she said, and I didn’t even say it back. I should be saying those words to her. To him. To Tutu. But I didn’t.
I lean back in my seat and felt tears heavy on my face. My mind drifted to Kelly, and I couldn’t imagine what kind of pain he was experiencing. I decided I should at least send him a text.
I pulled out my phone and was halfway through typing his name when I remembered that I had deleted his number.
Great. Way to go, Reese.
Poor Kelly. He needed someone right now. I knew he had his family, but I couldn’t help but think he could use even more support.
I closed my eyes, my heart pounding, and I realized I was about to have a full-blown panic attack in my therapist’s parking lot. I tried to breathe, but it wasn’t working this time.
Focus, Reese. What can you see?
I could see my steering wheel, my pink tennis shoes, the air vents, my blue jeans, and the little silver bracelet I had refused to take off. The sun’s rays illuminated the connected heart and turtle.
Suddenly, I felt the sun’s rays on my back, the smell of salt in my nose, the ocean’s waves brushing against my legs as I sat on my surfboard, and I was staring directly into stormy eyes.
I knew exactly what I needed to do.
Without hesitation, I grabbed my phone and started searching for the earliest flight out of Salt Lake City.
There was a flight leaving in just a few hours.
It had a ten-hour layover in Seattle, so I wouldn’t land until the next morning, and it was going to cost an entire paycheck’s worth, but I booked it without a second thought.
I texted Beth to ask her to pick me up from the airport.
She responded, 'That’s my girl,' and it was all the encouragement I needed to keep going.
I drove the five minutes back to my parents’ house and called Mom’s number. It rang and rang, and I was about to leave a voicemail when she finally answered.
“Yes?” The hostility was thick in her voice.
We hadn’t spoken since our fight, and I was still figuring out how I wanted to apologize. Kelsey and I had talked about how, even though I felt wronged by my parents, my mom’s feelings were valid, and she deserved an apology.
“I’m leaving,” my voice came out hurriedly.
“Topanga, really. There's no need to be so dramatic. It was just a little fight—"
“No, Mom, listen,” I interrupted her, and she paused for a moment. “I have to go back to Hawaii. There’s a guy I met there, and I love him, and he needs me right now. I know you’re going to say this is crazy and that I’m making a mistake, but I know where I need to be.”
“Then you need to go,” her voice was soft.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.” My mom’s encouragement caught me off guard, as I’d been expecting another fight. Maybe I hadn’t given her enough credit. “Mom?” I asked, my voice feeling small.
“What is it, sweetie?” All the built-up bitterness was gone.
“I’m sorry. For the things I said. I’ve been blaming you for my problems, and that wasn’t fair.”
“I’m sorry, too. I wish I had known how hard all the moving was on you. Honestly, you were such a champion. You handled everything so well, and we were so proud of you. I should have stopped to check in with you.”
“I wish I had been honest with you, too. But I can’t change that now. My childhood was still good. And I know how much you and Paul love me.” I had pulled up to the house and parked the car. I was walking up to the front door when my mom opened it.
We both put our phones down as she hugged me. “I’m still proud of you, but I don’t want you to be scared of relationships anymore. If you’re willing to go all the way back to Hawaii for this guy, then you can be brave enough to give him a chance.”
I was almost stunned into silence. There was that word again. The same word that Kelly had said to me when I left. He wanted me to be brave.
Maybe I could still learn to be.