Chapter Four
Nikki stepped out of the supermarket a few days later, and sure enough, Hawk was there. Every night he’d come to her trailer park. They hadn’t done anything other than talk, hang out, enjoy cups of coffee and hot chocolate. Sometimes, they watched television. It was an odd kind of friendship.
Hawk had asked her to promise him she wouldn’t go and see Diana. She agreed. She didn’t want to see her friend. The nasty stuff Diana had said was normal. She was used to her friend treating her that way, and seeing as she didn’t have many friends, she put up with it. Not that she considered herself a doormat. There was just some horrible stuff she dealt with and accepted from her friend. But now, she and Diana were done.
They had never argued before, mainly because she never told Diana what she thought, or how pissed she was for her giving away her personal details. She figured they were friends. Nikki always made sure her friend was well taken care of. There was all that money wasted in bailing her out.
She was not going to dwell on it. It was way too easy to be sucked into the past, and she refused to go down that rabbit hole. The only place she wanted to live was in the present. She didn’t even want to think of her future.
“Hawk,”
she said, moving toward him.
“Your ride awaits,” he said.
“My ride? I’ve got my car.”
She held up her keys and pointed to where her car was parked in the shade.
The sun was glaring down, and it was getting too hot. The supermarket shirt was a little uncomfortable.
“And I’ll bring you back to get your car. For now, come and take a ride with me.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse. She looked at his bike, and in all honesty, she had assumed all bikes were death traps. She’d never wanted to ride a bike. Maybe it was the little devil on her shoulder, encouraging her to climb on top of that bike, but one moment she was on the pavement, and the next she moved behind Hawk.
She didn’t know where to put her hands, and she let out a little gasp as he reached for her and wrapped them around his waist, taking her completely by surprise.
“You’ve got to hold me like this,” he said.
She had to shuffle a little closer to him so she wasn’t completely uncomfortable. This was fine and felt normal.
She wrapped her arms around Hawk, and it was only as they started to take off that she let out a little scream. There was no helmet. What was she thinking, riding without a helmet? The bike wasn’t even going too fast, but she quickly squeezed her eyes closed, hoping it would help, or do something to defend her against the forces of nature.
Hawk chuckled. She felt him along with the vibrations of the bike as they rode out of the parking lot. Maybe she started to relax, or maybe she felt totally silly, or maybe she just wanted to sit with her eyes squeezed closed.
Slowly, she opened them, and sure enough, she was able to look over his shoulder. They were not going too fast. They were not going overly slow, but it was somewhere in between, and it filled her with excitement to be moving. It felt good. Better than good. She didn’t let him go. That would be crazy.
She held onto him and felt the power of the wind zipping through her hair. This was something else. She saw the appeal of being on the bike. It felt so freeing, so amazing, so alive, and it was like she was on fire. This was better than she could have imagined.
Nikki didn’t pay attention to where they were going. The scenery went by, and she couldn’t even remember if it was beautiful. Riding on the back of a motorcycle had to be one of the most exhilarating experiences she ever had.
Was this lame? She hadn’t even had sex, and she knew she hadn’t lived an exciting life, but this was incredible.
Time didn’t matter. In that moment, she didn’t know if it was frozen or ticking merrily on by. All that mattered to her was this very moment. That intense and magical feeling of being free.
She might understand a little of why men rode bikes. Why they joined clubs. Just a little, but for now, it was enough. This was amazing.
She didn’t know how long they had been riding until he started to slow down, and they came to a small van that sold ice cream. There were several cars parked and a few bikes. It looked like a small parking zone for walkers.
Hawk turned the bike off, and without waiting for his instruction, she climbed off and fell to her knees. She was not expecting her knees to feel so wobbly.
Hawk was there, pulling her back to her feet. It was strange. She wasn’t used to anyone helping her up. She’d already pulled her bag to lie across her chest, and she offered him a smile.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
She smiled at him. “Why did we stop here?”
“It’s hot, and everyone loves ice cream.”
He took hold of her hand, and she expected him to let her go once they got to the van, but he didn’t. They stood in line, and it was like her hand was burning. Not in a bad way, but she was very much aware of him.
She tried not to look at him, tried not to draw attention to what they were doing. Were people staring? This was stupid. She never cared what people thought any other time, and she was not going to start now.
They were next, and Hawk ordered a giant, four-scoop ice cream, and although it looked delicious, she went for a modest two scoops, with chocolate and sauce. Hawk paid, and she tried to pay for her own ice cream but he wouldn’t allow it.
Once they had their ice cream, they walked back toward his bike, and there was a small bench. She stepped onto it, and Hawk sat on the opposite side.
“You like that?” he asked.
“The ice cream, or riding on the back of your bike?”
“Both?”
“I liked it,”
she said, and was unable to keep the smile off her face.
“Ah, that smile says you more than liked it.”
“What can I say, I’m a sucker for ice cream.”
He laughed. She loved the sound. It was deep, guttural, and above all else, it was real. He wasn’t faking his laugh.
Glancing around, she watched several people looking down at maps, and kids running around.
“What is this place?”
“It’s a walker’s pit stop, also a picnic hot spot.”
He pointed past her shoulder, and she looked over and saw there were several families on a large field.
“Wow, I had no idea this was here.”
“So, tell me about yourself, Nikki,” he said.
She turned back to look at him. “You want me to talk about … me?”
“Yeah, I’m curious.”
She shrugged. “There’s nothing to be curious about. I’m twenty-two years old. I work at a supermarket. Live in a trailer. Got a car that needs to go in the shop.”
The engine light kept flickering, which was bad news. If she didn’t get it in there soon, she had a horrible feeling it was going to blow up on her.
“What about your mom?”
Nikki looked at him, and that warm feeling she had felt turned to ice. “My mom?”
“Yeah, what about your mom and dad?”
“Do you know who my mom is?”
she asked, staring at him intently.
If he thought she was like her mother, then she was done eating ice cream and would walk back home. Not that she completely knew what direction to start. Also, her cell phone was dead. She hadn’t charged the damn thing last night, because she’d forgotten.
“No,”
Hawk said.
She doubted it, but then, there were no bikers Nikki could recall being her mother’s regulars. Nikki was tempted to lie. She hated lying. Growing up constantly making excuses for her mother had been exhausting. She used to lie all the time about what her mother was doing, about the bruises she had. The thought of going into the system terrified her. Her mother had told her so many horror stories over the years, and she didn’t even think to question what her mother was saying. Why would she?
“She’s a … whore.”
She whispered the last part.
It was the first time she ever admitted what her mother was to anyone.
Hawk didn’t say anything. She couldn’t look at him at first, but when he continued to be silent, she had no choice but to finally see if she could understand what he was thinking. There was a bland look on his face.
“Did you hear me?”
“I heard,”
Hawk said.
“And you don’t care?”
“Why would I care? I’ve never met your mother. I guess it couldn’t have been easy for you, growing up with that?”
She shrugged and glanced up. She took a deep breath and then expelled it. “I don’t know. I guess. I think I just got through it. It wasn’t easy. I mean, it still isn’t easy. The only reason I’m working at the supermarket is because it was the only job I could get.”
“Why?”
She opened her mouth and closed it.
“There is no reason to keep secrets from me,” he said.
It was strange. She didn’t know this man, yet she felt comfortable telling him … stuff. She had never told anyone anything, not even Diana, not even a teacher.
“My mom liked a lot of married men, which I never understood. She would always tell me he was going to be my new daddy, that he was going to leave his wife. That never happened. He never left the wife, and usually the wife came around, beat the crap out of my mom, and I never saw him again.”
“You don’t seem too upset about that?”
“I think it became a regular occurrence, I could pretty much time it.”
She shrugged. “My mom never cared. Well, she did when she needed money. Then she got into drugs, and that was hard.”
She felt tears fill her eyes and she hated that. She didn’t cry about this stuff. There was no point. And yet, they were there. She licked at her ice cream and tried to think of anything but her mother.
“Did any of them hurt you?”
Hawk asked.
She looked at him and nibbled her lip. “Uh, I think it is time we took a walk.”
She got to her feet because she really didn’t want to talk about the past. This was why she never dwelled. It was a lot easier to sink into that horrible bottomless pit with no way out. She thought about the present. The warmth of the sunshine on her face, the taste of the chocolate ice cream that was so soft and delicious and melted on her tongue. The good things in life, like the fact she had a job—a job she hated, but it paid the bills.
She was free of her mother, until she came back around and life got complicated again. Nikki didn’t wait for Hawk to follow her.
She started down one of the paths that seemed uninhabited. She needed a few moments to think, clear her head, push all those bad memories back into the box, and keep it sealed tightly shut. Each memory of her mother shouting at her, slapping her, back where they belonged. The name-calling and the nastiness all got shoved aside. She didn’t need to think of the men who told her how ugly she was. Nor the men that told her she might be ugly now, but there was going to come a time she’d be beautiful. The wandering hands. The darkness.
“Hey,”
Hawk said, grabbing her, and suddenly she was in his arms.
She had been close to panicking.
He didn’t squash her ice cream, but he held her close. The smell of leather and oil, along with his masculine scent helped fight the demons taking over her thoughts.
“It wasn’t always a good time,”
Nikki said. “The drugs messed with my mom, and it either turned her into a good parent or a bad parent. Also, jealousy. My mom got jealous a lot, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She would accuse me of trying to take her men. I never wanted her men. Never wanted anything to do with them.”
It was like something had lifted and the moment she began to talk, she didn’t stop.
She told him about the man that locked her into a cupboard, sealing up all the holes so she had no light and only a bucket to use as a bathroom. How to this very day, she was still afraid of the dark. The men that tried to touch her. How some of the men made her mother jealous. All of it spilled out, and by the end, her ice cream had melted and the cone was soggy.
Hawk took the ice cream from her, throwing it to the ground for the birds to eat. He took her hand, and one by one sucked the ice cream from her fingers.
Nikki didn’t know if this was him being caring, but it felt so different. She was a little taken aback. She didn’t know what to think or to feel.
There was a pulse between her thighs, and it was like an instant tug on her clit as he sucked each digit clean. In a strange thought, she was so pleased she washed her hands regularly. Once her hand was clean, he cupped her face. Did he see that she was a little shaken? She didn’t know if it was from spilling the truth, or what he’d just done to her hand. It felt … incredible.
“It’s okay,” he said.
She believed him.
This was another odd feeling. All her life, people had let her down, and she had gotten so used to that feeling, she didn’t believe anyone who told her it was going to be okay. Why would she? Most people who told her it would be, often lied. Her mother being the biggest liar of them all.
“No one is going to hurt you anymore.”
“That’s why I moved out,” she said.
“No one has tried to hurt you at the trailer?”
She shook her head. “I mean, I was robbed, but that happened once and I was working. I’ve put extra locks and secured it a little better.”
She knew if someone wanted to get into her trailer, no locks was going to stop them.
“You won’t have to worry anymore.”
She let out a little laugh. “I’m so sorry about this,” she said.
“About what?”
“This, I mean, I’ve spilled my guts to you. All you wanted was a ride, and I sucked the fun right out of it.”
“You did no such thing.”
He reached out and tucked some hair behind her ear. “You did exactly what I wanted you to do. You trusted me.”
Even still, this was embarrassing to her. She felt her cheeks heat.
“So, uh, do you want to tell me anything about you?”
She really wanted him to share something.
Hawk stared at her. “I got one of the women at the club to pay a visit to your friend,” he said.
“What?”
“Diana hit you, and I made sure she paid the price.”
Nikki couldn’t believe what he was telling her. “You’re being serious?”
“Yes.”
“You hit Diana?”
“No. I take care of bigger problems. This was between the women.”
Nikki didn’t know what to say. “Is she okay?”
“She treated you like shit, and you still care?”
“She is still my friend.”
Then she frowned. “I don’t know if she is or not.”
“Someone who doesn’t have your back is not your friend.”
****
Hawk arrived at Nikki’s trailer, and before he even had a chance to knock on her door, she stood with it open.
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
she asked.
“Something better than sitting with you?”
She shrugged. “Yeah.”
“No. There is nothing.”
There was another party back at the clubhouse. The men were enjoying the women and were making a game of it, and it was probably going to turn into an orgy. He wasn’t interested in sharing a woman, much less seeing one of the men with his dick hanging out.
He watched as she took a breath and then stepped right back to allow him to enter. No matter how many times he stepped into her trailer, he was still taken aback by the smallness of it.
“Make yourself comfortable,” she said.
He watched as she made her way back to the kitchen.
“Still coffee? Black? Two sugars?”
“Yep to all three.”
He sat down on the sofa and watched as she made him a coffee, and like he had come to see late at night, she never failed to make herself a hot chocolate.
“I’m starting to wonder why you keep coming over,”
Nikki said.
“Have you seen Diana?”
He took the cup she held out to him.
“No, I’ve not.”
“Does that bother you?” he asked.
“No, it doesn’t. To be honest, we didn’t do a lot of hanging out. She would ask me to drive her to the clubhouse or wherever she needed to be. I was just an easy ride for her. I rarely asked any questions, and she must have thought I was some kind of sucker or something.”
“You’re not a sucker,” he said.
“No offense, Hawk, you don’t even know me, not really. You don’t know much.”
He took a sip of his blistering hot coffee and stared at her. “Why don’t you fill in the blanks for me?”
There was no denying it. He wanted this woman. He couldn’t get her out of his fucking mind. This was dangerous, not just for himself but also for her. If he didn’t get her out of his mind, and his enemies found out about her, they’d hurt her. He was putting her life at risk. The last thing he wanted was for Nikki to pay the price for his recklessness.
“There’s not much to fill in. I don’t make friends easily.”
“Why?”
Nikki glanced past his shoulder with a frown, and then another shrug. “I guess because of who my mom is, and the other kids were always told to stay away from me. They didn’t want my mom’s bad genes rubbing off on them. Also, they didn’t want her anywhere near their husbands.”
“Do you love your mom?” he asked.
“Yes and no. I love my mom because she is my mom, but I also hate my mom because she is a selfish, horrible, manipulative bitch who is used to getting whatever she wants.”
She winced. “Wow, I sound like a horrible daughter.”
“You sound like a daughter who has simply had enough, that’s it. Bad shit happens all the time, and you know what, fuck ’em.”
“Fuck ’em.”
She frowned.
“Yeah, all the men and women who have treated you like shit. From the parents to your fucking peers. They can fuck off. You don’t need them, Nikki. If no one can see you, and how good you are, then they’re not worth it.”
He saw the smile on her lips. “That is the first time anyone has ever said that to me.”
“Well, you should get used to hearing it a lot more.”
Hawk watched as she blew across the surface of her hot chocolate. She had pulled her hair back into a loose bun at the back of her neck. Her brown hair was gathered. All he had to do was look toward her dining room table, and once again he saw a mirror set up and a small assortment of beauty products.
“What were you doing before I got here?” he asked.
“Nothing much. Just, you know, primping. Stuff like that.”
He took another long swig of his coffee, and he couldn’t help but watch her. “You like all things makeup and beauty, or whatever the fuck it is called?”
“Yeah, I do. I know it’s stupid. My mom always told me no one would want an ugly beautician.”
He held onto his cup, but he really wanted to pay her mother a visit and show her she should never talk to her daughter like that. He thought of a young Nikki, in front of the mirror, twirling, maybe even putting on some of her mother’s makeup. What kind of bitch told her daughter she was ugly?
Nikki wasn’t even crying. There were no wasted tears, which told him she was used to being called ugly.
“And you can’t get any work in salons because of your mom?” he asked.
“That’s pretty much the crux of it, I guess. At least I was able to get another job, but I’ve got a plan.”
“A plan?”
Nikki turned to him with this big beaming smile on her face. “Yes, now that Diana is pretty much out of my life and I don’t have to worry about using my money to bail her out and all that. I’m going to save up to go to night school, take several classes, qualify to become a beautician, and then I’m going to leave town. I’ll start somewhere new. Somewhere no one has ever heard of my mom, and it will all be okay. What do you think?”
she asked.
He fucking hated that idea more than anything. There was no way he was going to let her leave town. No fucking way.
“And if you found some work at a beauty salon?” he asked.
“I’ve tried, and the moment they put two and two together, they have no work for me. It’s how it always goes. Don’t worry about it. I’m not.”
He wasn’t worried, but he was used to getting what he wanted.