Chapter Fourteen
Chapter
Fourteen
“Lilliana!” Maddox’s deep voice rang out from behind
her as she sat on a quilt next to a pond that used to be black with bubbling
tar. Now it was crystal clear and full of fish, and it was her favorite place
to come with a romance novel and an iced tea once or twice a week. “Lilliana!”
She liked Maddox, even if he was a cocky jerk sometimes, and
while he was excitable, he wasn’t one to panic, so the alarm in his voice
raised the hair on the back of her neck. Putting down her book, she twisted
around to see him and Rico jogging toward her. Rico hung back a little, which
was wise. It had been three months since he’d called her “Azagoth’s whore,” and
she was still a bit raw.
But then, his face, where she’d slapped him, probably was
too.
“What is it?”
Maddox skidded to a halt. “It’s Azagoth. There was a Memitim
Council member in his office with him. He just left and Azagoth is...not
happy.”
“Dammit,” she breathed. “Okay, thanks. Where is he? Still in
his office?”
“Library.”
Her gut twisted. He loved the library. It was his place of
comfort and one of two places—including the bedroom—where they had agreed there would be no anger. So
why would he go there if he was upset? Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.
“Thank you.” She came to her feet and flashed herself into
the hallway outside the library.
Fully materialized, she coughed at the smoke filling the
halls, streaming in tendrils from the scorched floors and walls. She didn’t
need to follow the blackened trail of Azagoth’s fury to know it led from his
office. He’d stormed from there to here, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to see
what was on the other side of the door.
Just knock. If he doesn’t answer, hey, I tried.
She hated that she was willing to opt for avoidance rather
than confrontation, but damn, his moods lately had been unlike anything she’d
ever seen. Always before, she could ease him down off any ledge, but now it
seemed like she only made things worse. She didn’t know what to do, or who to
talk to. Cat was a wonderful listener, but the fallen angel didn’t have a lot
of experience with relationships, and she and Hades had never even had a
serious fight.
No, Lilliana was very alone in this.
Inhaling deeply, she rapped softly on the door.
No response.
Whew.
Feeling both guilty and relieved, she turned away, but froze when Azagoth’s voice rumbled through the
thick door.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she called out. “I’ll come back later.”
He didn’t say anything. She should walk away, happy to
escape, but dammit, his silence stung. Annoyed, she opened the door and stepped
inside.
“Azagoth?” He was hovered over the miniature viewing stone
she’d given him to keep an eye on his adult Memitim children who didn’t live in
Sheoul-gra. “Is everything okay? What’s going on?”
He made a sound, something she imagined an angry bull might
make. “They aren’t going to give me my children.” His big body shuddered, and
her heart broke for him.
“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.” She reached for him, but he
spun around to her, flames filling his eye sockets with so much heat she leaped
backwards.
“This,” he rumbled, “is your fault.”
Stunned and confused by the accusation, she took another
step back. “What are you talking about?”
“You made me soft.” He grabbed his chest, right over his
heart, his fingers digging in so fiercely his knuckles were white. “You made me
feel.”
She blinked. “Are you serious? The Memitim Council rejects
your request and you’re mad at me?”
“I wouldn’t care about any of this if it weren’t for you,”
he growled.
Her hurt veered sharply to annoyance at being blamed for
such...stupidity. “Oh, well, gee,” she snapped. “I’m so sorry I made you into a
better person.”
He swept his arm across his desk, knocking papers, pens, and
books everywhere. He’d done that before, but he’d done it so they could have
sex on the desk. Somehow she doubted they were going
to be getting naked anytime soon.
“I’m not a better person!” His lips peeled back to reveal
fangs he’d used on her to make her scream in pleasure
but which now sliced down like weapons. “I’m distracted and angry. I can’t stop
thinking about how my children grew up. I hate it. I hate what I’ve become.”
“I hate what you’ve become too,” she said, practically
choking on her words. They both hated what he’d become, but for different
reasons. “But we can fix it.”
He laughed, an ugly, cruel sound that made her cringe. “I’ve tried. Don’t you think I’ve tried? Want to
know how many hours I’ve logged in the Inner Sanctum? Want to know how much
malevolence I’ve exposed myself to, the things I’ve done? Fuck, even Hades is
useless.”
Her mouth went so dry her tongue stuck to the roof of her
mouth. She’d known he was angry, but she hadn’t known he was angry at her,
or that he was unhappy. Or that he’d been jonesing for some good old-fashioned
depravity.
“So that’s it? You’d rather go back to how you were before I
met you? Cold and emotionless? Evil?”
“It was easier!” he shouted.
“I see.” She licked her lips, but it was like licking
sandpaper with pumice. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but love is hard.
Relationships are work. Anything that’s worthwhile is.”
“Yeah?” His rumbling laughter filled the room and sent
chills across her skin. “That’s all you’ve got? A
lecture?”
So stubborn. “I’ve got love, Azagoth.”
He snorted dismissively, and it was like a blow to the
heart. “That’s what got me into this mess.”
Her sucker-punched heart squeezed painfully, and tears stung
her eyes. They’d been through so much, and she’d been so patient with him. She
knew his life wasn’t an easy one and that he constantly struggled with the evil
that surrounded him, and she could allow him a lot of leeway.
But she didn’t deserve this.
“Fuck you,” she rasped as she spun toward the door.
She wanted to rail at him, to hurt
him the way he’d hurt her, but she didn’t have the words or the breath.
Anything more complex than telling him to get intimate with himself would make
her break down into a sobbing mess.
She stumbled over her own feet as she flung herself out of
the library, her watery, blurry eyes not helping anything at all.
“Wait! Lilliana, wait.” Azagoth caught her by the arm and
spun her around. “I’m sorry.”
She jerked out of his grip. “I don’t care. You don’t get to
say you regret loving me and then wipe it all away with two words.”
“I didn’t say I regret loving you.”
“Semantics. Don’t play that bullshit.”
“Lilliana.” He inhaled a ragged breath, and when he spoke
again, his voice was calmer. “I spent thousands of years being unable to feel,
being unable to connect to anyone, and now I have all these children I want to
know, but...” He jammed his hand through his hair so viciously she expected him
to come away with tufts between his fingers. “Sometimes emotions overwhelm me
and I don’t know how to handle them. Yes, for a few moments I wanted to get rid
of the pain. I just wanted to breathe for a second. But I’ve never once wanted
to get rid of you. Please,” he begged, falling to his knees in front of her. “I
don’t know how to do this.”
Now she was the one growing soft. Seeing her big, powerful
mate brought to his knees by grief tore her apart.
“You do what you did with me,” she said gently. “You let
your children in.”
“But the guilt—”
She went to her knees in front of him, tears rolling down
her cheeks now. “What’s done is done. But look at the progress you’ve made.
Look at what you’re doing for your children now.”
He snorted. “Yeah. Look what I’m doing to them. I sent
Hawkyn away. I treated Idess and Mace like strangers. I want my young ones here
and it pisses me off that the Council won’t allow it, and yet, I’m a little
relieved.” His bloodshot eyes searched her face. “Why?”
Reaching up, she cupped his cheek. “Because you’re afraid of
losing control.”
The flames licked at his pupils again. “I’m not afraid of
anything.”
“Nothing?” She stroked his jaw with her thumb, soothing,
long strokes meant to bring him down, to give him a chance to think instead of react. “You’re not afraid of losing all you’ve built here
for yourself? Your children? Me? I think maybe your problem is the exact
opposite. You have so much to lose that you can’t help but be afraid of losing
it. I know I would be.” Leaning forward, she brushed her lips over his. “The
key is to put aside the fear and just...live. You have a fabulous life,
Azagoth. We have a fabulous life. And it’ll only get better as we add
to it. We’ll find a way to locate your children and bring them here.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he rasped.
“No, you don’t,” she teased, “but you got me, so we’ll just
have to find a way to deal with it.”
Right there in the hallway, he tugged her against him,
tucking her head against his shoulder as he held her. “I love you, Lilli. I
love you so much.”
“I love you too,” she whispered. But sometimes she wondered
if it was enough.
Something told her this wasn’t over, and she didn’t know if
she was capable of giving him what he needed.