35
Camilla White
“ I ’ve had enough,” Vincent’s growl startles me before the door slamming could.
“What?” I whisper, shocked at his explosive attitude as he storms into my bedroom, scaring both my baby girl and me.
She runs to her bed, hiding from the angered beast that has just entered my safe place.
“What the fuck is going on? And we won’t leave this fucking room until you’re completely honest with me. It’s been two fucking months of dodging me and avoiding telling me what’s bothering you.”
It’s true . Tomorrow is his mother’s birthday, and ever since I read that letter a couple of months ago, I have been avoiding him as much as I can. I had hoped he hadn’t noticed, but who am I kidding? I saw it in his eyes plenty of times.
First, the worry. I’ve lost count of the time that Vincent has asked me what’s wrong…
Then, came frustration…It has been useful in the bedroom with the angry sex rendezvous, providing us with wild, memorable nights. But I have been able to escape so far.
And while I haven’t been able to hide the fact that something is wrong, I don’t want to get into it, so I answer, “Vincent.” I sigh. “Nothing–”
I am cut off by his hand grabbing my neck. He doesn’t press on it, but I can see how shaky his hands are, how his nostrils keep flaring as his angry eyes roam my face. With a few calculated steps, he backs me against the wall, pressing his torso against mine.
“If you say nothing’s wrong, I’ll fuck you so hard, I’ll have you scream it out before you can even come.”
His eyes swirl with a thin layer of anger that’s only there to disguise the hurt. He’s hurting because of me.
But if I tell him the truth, he will only hurt more... No. I can’t.
I can’t understand it myself, what this unveiled truth means. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that everyone I ever cared for lied, but the only realisation I have come to is that I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it...not from him, not from the nobility or the Crown.
I never asked for anything, for any of this. All I wanted was to be able to love him freely and work my dream job, being a marine biologist. But it doesn’t matter which path I choose; it’s not possible to have it all.
That’s why deflecting is the best option. “If you’re that horny, just fuck me.”
In shock at my bluntness, Vincent tenses up while his mouth slackens. He has a good reason for it because in all the months we’ve been in this secret-or-whatever-it-is kind of relationship—if it can ever be called a relationship—I never used the F-word unless he told me to.
It seems out of character because it is . But desperate situations require desperate measures.
Slowly, his grip on my neck slackens until his hand falls to his side, and he straightens his body, detaching from mine.
“I won’t do such a thing until you tell me what’s wrong.”
Nervously biting the inside of my cheek, I look away, giving it a quick thought. I could come clean, and the best-case scenario, he’d understand and be by my side.
Worst-case scenario? He’d feel betrayed and accuse me of using him as leverage…It would be the end of us.
I am not ready for that.
“Nothing that should concern you.” I end up saying.
And it’s true. Because I won’t do a thing about it. That information will be buried with me when I die.
No one else will know about it.
“Then why do you keep avoiding me?”
Deflect. Deflect .
How can I deflect this?
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mutter.
“ Little Milla ,” he whispers, one of his hands caressing my cheekbone. “I can sense that something’s bothering you. Let me help you. I want you to be alright. I want you to be happy.”
Vincent’s words pierce through my chest. We’ve grown so close—much more than I’d ever considered possible. I’ve been so close to telling him how I truly feel so many times, but it would only make things harder for us. For me.
This gnawing feeling in my chest is telling me that now, more than ever, things will get ugly. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ but of ‘when’. I am dreading the future, whether it’s a near future or a distant one. And a small part of me regrets giving in to Vincent’s charm. But the other, the bigger one, still wouldn’t change a thing.
I’ve never felt as happy as I am in his arms.
A feeling this strong, this intense, I don’t think I’d ever let it grow for someone else.
“Happy?” A sarcastic chuckle escapes from my lips. “I will never be fully happy.”
With a sharp intake of breath, he asks, “Why not?”
Too much. It’s too much to keep inside.
Not being able to take the weight of all of this, I end up admitting more than I would like.
“Because even when I have you, I don’t. Not really.” I laugh bitterly. “You’re never going to be mine . There’s no future for us, and these stolen moments will all quickly become nostalgic, sad memories. The mere thought of a future where you won’t be present pains me. Yet, here I am, continuously basking in something that has an expiry date, hoping that tomorrow is not the day that reality comes to bite us in our arses.”
“Camilla…”
“And when that happens, I’ll be miserable and alone, once again.”
I already am.
“Fuck, darling.” He sighs, grabbing my hand and pulling me to him.
“Vincent, I don’t want to talk about this. We chose this path. We chose the hardest way. And we’ll deal with the consequences when they come, I am just afraid. I–” I cut myself off before I can blurt it out.
I love you.
“You, what?” he questions, tilting my head up to look at him.
“Nothing.”
Vincent curses under his breath, with his head falling backwards. A clear sign of exasperation.
When he straightens up and looks back at me, his eyes are blazing. “Fucking talk to me,” he orders loudly. “It’s agonising to see you struggle so much. I feel powerless. Let me do something!”
His voice tone has gone up quite a few notches, and I can see his skin reddening from how affected he is getting. His insistence on getting me to share whatever it is that’s bothering me is also getting me worked up.
What right does he have to demand whatever it is?
He doesn’t, and it angers me.
“I said no!” Ripping myself from his arms, I walk away, bringing some distance between us. “Look, I know that as a duke you’re not used to being denied what you want, but there are boundaries. And you’re not respecting mine.”
“Boundaries?” He is the one laughing bitterly now. “We’ve gone past those a long time ago!” With wide and unwavering steps, he reaches me again, reaching for me. “Talk to me!”
“Why would I?” I blow up, tired of his insistence. “You’re a duke, and I am a maid. We’re fucking . That’s all. I owe you no intimacy, or whatever it is you’re looking for!”
He takes two staggering steps backwards, as if I just slapped him, making me regret the words the moment they’re out. But his temper brings one out of me, too. And I won’t back down now. It’s better to keep him at arm’s length than to let him in.
“ That was the deal . As soon as you get a blue-blooded fiancé, I’ll be in your past and locked out, far away from your life. Let’s not dig a bigger hole for ourselves, yeah?”
“What?” he asks weakly. “Is that all you think you mean to me? A fuck to enjoy and throw away the next morning? Did these last six months show you nothing at all? I told you I’d find a way.”
“A way?” I snort, incredulous. “Would you choose me against all odds? Against the whole world, no matter the consequences?” His mouth opens to answer, and I cut him off before he can, “Actually, don’t even answer that. I would never ask for such sacrifices from you.”
No one has ever made sacrifices that big.
Look at me! No one has ever sacrificed anything for me.
My parents kept me their dirty secret for decades, not bothering to suffer the consequences of their forbidden love. Aunt Lizzie was in on everything since the beginning, allowing them to play house right under her nose and pretending to love me just to keep it buried and under her control.
Why would he choose me when no one else ever did?
“And why wouldn’t you? Do you think I care what everyone else thinks? I’d throw it all away for all I care!"
I stop in my tracks, facing him completely with wide eyes. “What?”
Reaching for me again, he cups my face, “Have you not realised it yet?”
I shake my head, unwilling to assume I’m wrong.
Our gazes are locked and our breaths mix with the proximity. They’re ragged and shallow, especially his. Like he’s preparing to say something, and I am not sure who is more afraid of it, him or me
“I love you,” he whispers so low I barely hear it. “I fell in love with you so fucking hard that I’d throw my life away for you. All I’ve worked for means nothing if I don’t have you.”
My world twirls, with the heaviness of his words throwing me off balance. The floor feels unstable and muddy, and it could swallow me whole in a matter of seconds. If it weren’t for Vincent’s strong hands around me, I’d be on the ground by now.
He loves me.
“Oh, god–” I stutter, speechless. “V-Vincent…”
“You don’t need to say it back.” He shakes his head. “I know you’re terrified. I am, too, but I just...I can’t take this anymore. I’ll suffocate. I fucking love you.”
I shudder . Does he? Will he?
The doubt implanted in the back of my brain still lurks, not letting me believe it fully, but the adrenaline from hearing those words out loud allows me to ignore it.
At least, just for now.
“Show me.”
“Oh, sweet little Milla. I’ll show you alright.”
His lips crash against mine with a searing kiss as his hands slowly wander to my torso. The pads of his fingers graze the skin there. It’s slow and gentle, as if he is cherishing it. Me . Usually, we’re frenetic, intense, and passionate, but this time, it’s the other way around. It’s a side to Vincent I thought I’d never meet, the part that was never meant to be mine.
We undress each other slowly and end up in bed, kissing, groping, and caressing each other. No rush. It’s unbearably hot, with his skin on mine, his warm lips on my mouth and skin, showing affection—the love.
“Oh, god,” I moan, overwhelmed with the emotions.
Sensory overload, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want it to stop.
He loves me back.
I have never felt so happy before.
Knowing our entanglement is just fleeting has always been dreadful. But what I feared the most was realising that the feelings that have grown so deep and strong within me were not reciprocated. And now I know they are matching mine.
Knowing this gives me renewed strength . We might be able to make it.
In the heat of the moment, so way in over our heads, lost in each other, we don’t remember anything else. No other details or thoughts other than the want— the need —of being connected.
When the groping and grinding are no longer enough, he lifts his weight off of me for a few moments, stopping to look at me.
I am way past being shy in front of him. Instead, I look back, admiring the Greek god in front of me.
His dark irises are hooded as they scour down my body.
“You’re perfect,” he mutters.
Then, he grabs his dick and glides it over my slit a couple of times before finally aligning it with my entrance. He stops there, raising his eyes and locking them on mine. The intensity makes me shudder at the exact moment his hips slowly thrust in.
I feel my eyes twitch, wanting to shut, but I bear through it, keeping our gazes connected.
It means more than sex this time around. We’re not only connected physically but also spiritually. Two bodies functioning as one.
“I love you,” he pants, lips brushing mine with, his eyes blazing into my own. “I love you so much it hurts.”
I know what he means. I feel it, too .
The adoration, tenderness, love, and desperation that clings to all of those, intertwining them as one. It’s all so overwhelming, filling me to the brim with happiness.
Holding on to him, I answer his feelings through a little gasp,” I love you, too.”
His hips jerk forward at the same moment he grunts, “Say it again.”
“I love you,” I answer, basking in the feeling of him inside me.
He speeds up his movements, finally letting go of the control he was holding onto.
Vincent swears under his breath and finally lets go of the remnants of control. It drives me closer to the edge myself, lost in the impossible promises of love we’re sharing through our words and sweaty bodies.
It takes nothing to surrender to him and his bewitching words, trying to keep in mind the fleeting thought that I need to tell him the truth soon or this will be nothing but temporary.