Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE_
DECAF
Hazard is right, of course. Annoyingly.
While I stand by my decision to follow Sharryn’s wishes, to stay away from Haz growing up, I can see how he feels like I was abandoning him.
The truth is, I had no legal claim to him.
I couldn’t take Sharryn to court to get visitation rights to a kid that wasn’t even mine.
It was easier that I walked away. At least for Sharryn and me.
If I knew Jesse had journals lying around for him to find one day, maybe I would have left a door open for him to find me.
To come to me. But I didn’t. I needed the clean break.
Lot of good that did, though. Because now, as I remain exactly where he left me, coffee going cold on the table in front of me, I’m struggling to swallow the situation I find myself in now.
I’ve made mistakes, have a lot of regrets, but unlike people like Iris and Trav, who say they learn from their mistakes and grow, all I can think is I have wasted half of my life running from someone and something I shouldn’t have.
Here’s my chance to make it right, but I’m fucking terrified of making it all worse.
Haz tries to be stealthy as he tosses and turns, either not being able to sleep because of the caffeine or because of the thick tension in the room.
It’s a blanket of grief and resentment that hovers above us.
The only way it’s going to be possible to fix anything between us is by showing up. Proving to him that I’m not going to run away again. Even if I fucking want to with every fiber of my being.
On shaky legs, I stand and make my way over to my duffel bag on the ground near my makeshift bed.
I open the side zip and feel around for the thing I’m looking for. When my fingers close around the chain, I pull out Jesse’s dog tags and clasp them tight in my fist.
I should’ve done this a long time ago. And if not then, at least when Haz came barreling into my life on his own accord.
As angry as I’ve been about him putting his life at risk, as guilty as I’ve felt every time I’ve seen his face in the last eight months, when I approach and stare down at him as he sleeps—or tries to—I no longer see Corey Hazard, Jesse’s kid.
I see a man with trauma. Trauma that is deep and tethered to mine.
I haven’t been there for him, but I promise here and now to always have his back. Even if he doesn’t want it.
“Should’ve smothered you with the pillow when I had the chance,” he says, not opening his eyes.
“I have something for you.”
“Not interested.”
“It’s a promise.”
“Still not interested. Too little, too late and all that jazz.”
“I get it. You’ve made your point, and there is literally nothing I can do but tell you that you’re right, promise to try to do better, and vow to start again when it comes to you. And I’m going to start right here.” I unfurl my fist and let the chain dangle off my middle finger.
Jesse’s dog tags hang in Haz’s face, the sound of the chain and metal tags clinking getting his attention enough to finally open his eyes.
“These should’ve been yours from the beginning,” I say.
Haz slowly sits up and hesitantly reaches for them like he’s reluctant to take a full hold of them.
Like he’s scared of what will happen if he does.
There’s a moment where he’s still, but then the chain is pulled from my finger as he places the dog tags on his palm and lifts them closer to his face so he can read them.
Long gone is the blood that once coated them, but they’ve definitely seen shinier days.
Out of nowhere, as soon as they’re in Haz’s possession, my chest twinges, and then it’s as if two decades of bottled-up emotion over Jesse lift off my chest.
I feel lighter than I have in so fucking long to the point I begin to think Jesse has been haunting me this whole time. Or at least his dog tags.
Haz is still staring at them, and he runs his thumb over the engravings.
The sense that this was the right thing to do settles the war in my gut when it comes to Haz. That doesn’t mean he automatically feels the same way.
“You have no reason to believe me at this point, and I know you have nothing else to say to me, but everything you feel toward me is deserved. Every single word you said was correct. Giving you these … it’s only the beginning of making things right between us.
Of making up for not being there for you.
It’s not enough, and I can’t be sure anything will ever be enough.
But it’s a start. I also know that you’re going to try your best to push me and challenge me and try to force me to run away again.
You might think you’ve gotten under my skin, but all you’ve done is made me more adamant to stay.
So do your worst. I’m not going anywhere. ”
I turn on my heel and go back to my couch, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep.
Not only because of the caffeine, but because I’m certain I’m going to regret telling him to do his worst. I predict tonight is not the only time I’m going to find him standing above my bed with a pillow in his hand, ready to suffocate me.