Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE_
DECAF
It doesn’t matter how conflicting my actions have been in the past year. Now that I’ve decided I can’t lose Haz and allowed myself to give in to the urge to touch him, kiss him, and be open with him, I’m not going to dwell on it.
Are we doing the right thing? Probably not. But it can’t be undone, and I don’t want to undo it anyway.
I’ve never had the kind of pull toward someone before where it was physically difficult to restrain myself the way I have with Haz. Sure, if he hadn’t been so open about wanting me, I could have resisted, but the second I knew that door was open for real, it was impossible to hold myself back.
Which is why I’m all in now. Because re-questioning it and playing it back over and over again isn’t going to do anything but confuse an already complicated situation.
Plus, it’s not difficult to forget about everything else when he’s asleep in my arms. Or, arm to be more exact.
He’s still curled into my side, and I haven’t dared to breathe loudly or move at all. It took a while for him to finally crash last night, and I wish it were as easy as kissing his worries goodbye, but earning his trust is going to be a long process.
It would be a lot easier if we were already out of the country.
We could get new identities, start from fresh, but with the future uncertain, we don’t know what our lives are going to look like tomorrow, let alone a month from now.
Actually, I do know what our lives will look like tomorrow.
Exactly this. Being trapped inside the four walls of this cabin, waiting for my body to heal enough to travel across the world without falling apart.
All the while hoping we’re not tracked down and intercepted by the agencies that were once our allies.
Okay, no more thinking about that. Like I told Hazard a few hours ago, one insecurity at a time.
I have a lot of work to do just to get Haz to trust that I’m solid in my decisions last night.
“Decaf?” Scout’s voice coming from the living room makes me startle, and the jump scare wakes Haz, but only enough for him to suck in a sharp breath and lift his head.
“Huh? Wha?” Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
“Decaf?” Scout says again, sounding closer.
Getting out of bed is the worst kind of pain, so it’s not like I can do it fast, but I try as hard as I can.
I’m not fast enough, though.
“Haz, have you seen—” Scout opens the door, his words cut off by seeing me standing next to Haz’s bed.
I put my finger to my lips.
Scout glances between the sleeping Haz and me, looking confused as fuck. Yeah, understandable.
My steps are slow but purposeful, and even though recovery has been slow, there haven’t been any setbacks so far. I close the bedroom door behind me as I leave so Haz can get some more sleep.
“Coffee time,” I say.
“If you think you’re getting out of explaining whatever the fuck that is all about—” He waves his hand toward Haz’s room. “—you’re going to be very surprised when I hound you until you break.”
“No need for hounding. I … had a rough night. Woke up in a bed drenched in sweat, and Haz let me sleep in his bed instead of spending time and energy changing the sheets in the middle of the night. It’s not a big deal.”
The orgasms in the shower? That’s a different story. One Scout doesn’t need to know.
“Why were you sweaty? Did you have a fever?” He follows me as I enter the kitchen and holds the back of his hand to my forehead.
I swat it away. “Nothing like that. I think the meds you’re giving me give me sleep paralysis. I know I’m sleeping but feel like I’m conscious, and I panic when I can’t wake myself up or move. It’s like trying to wade through sludge.”
“How are your pain levels? We can probably back off on the dosage if you wanted to try that.”
“Sounds good.” He doesn’t know I’ve been palming most of the pills he already gives me. “How long do you think it’ll be before we can get on the road and escape this hellhole?”
“The cabin’s not too bad, is it? I find it kind of charming.”
“I meant the country.”
Scout laughs. “Oh. That. It’s really up to how you’re feeling.”
I go to open my mouth to say we should go now because I’ll feel a hell of a lot better once Haz is somewhere safe, but as if reading my mind, he cuts me off.
“You not only need to be ready for physical travel, but you need to be able to move fast if shit goes tits up, so don’t give me that bullshit that you’re ready now. You might be able to survive the trip, but if we’re attacked, you’re a goner.”
I hate that he has a point, so I say, “Hey, I wasn’t going to say any of the sort.”
I’m a lying liar who lies.
“How are you feeling? Really. You seem to be walking okay now.”
“Walking is fine. Getting up and down is not so easy, but it’s getting better. In a week, I’ll be as good as new.”
“Make it two weeks. Then we’ll do a proper risk assessment.”
“You’re sounding more and more like Trav every day.”
“And you’re sounding more and more like Iris.”
“Rude.” I make myself a coffee with no further comment because what I did last night? Totally Iris behavior.
“What’s rude?” Haz stumbles in, his hair a mess, of course shirtless, but at least he’s wearing pants, so I don’t have to look at his impressive dick print in his tight boxer briefs. Scout might have bought the sweaty sheets excuse, but he won’t if he sees the way I eye off Haz’s package.
“Scout said he should call me Iris.”
Haz’s eyes widen, and only then do I realize how that sounds. Because we hooked up could easily be added to that sentence.
“Because I want to start making plans to move,” I clarify.
Haz relaxes. “Then I have to agree with Scout. You need extra supervision if you’re planning to make your escape before you’re ready.”
“Well, this isn’t going to cut it today.” I raise my arm and drink as much as I can handle of the scalding liquid.
“I guess we should get your sheets changed so you can get back to bed and rest. You need to be as healthy as possible before we can all get out of here.”
“I’ll do that,” Haz says. “I was going to last night but was too fucking tired from all the snoring coming from Scout and the sleep talking coming from Decaf.”
“I do not snore,” Scout says.
“Well, one of you does, so by power of deduction, I’m going to guess it’s you, seeing as talking in your sleep and snoring at the same time would be a talent.”
I couldn’t hear Scout snoring, and I’ve never known him to snore, so I’m assuming Haz is deflecting—he used the snoring line on me, too, when he wanted to deflect away from standing over my body, contemplating murder by pillow.
Poor Scout’s brow is pinched like he’s wondering if he’ll be forever alone if he’s taken to snoring.
“Have you heard from the others?” I ask.
“A couple of them. Kevlar, Alphabet, Ghost, and Princess have made it to Trav’s island.”
“Whoa. Iris and Saint let them take their dog?”
“Seeing as they’ll be helping us get out of here, they think Princess will be more of a distraction than a help when the time comes.”
Shit like this is one of the reasons I’m easily guilted.
Because Iris and Saint shouldn’t be risking their lives for me.
Neither should Scout, and definitely not Haz, but I’ve fought this fight for so long that I know it’s pointless to call them all idiots for putting me before themselves.
If the roles were reversed, of course I would do the exact same thing they’re doing, but when my self-worth is so small, I can’t see why anyone should bother for me.
“What about Domino and Angel? Do they really think being on tour will protect them from government assassins?”
“Last I heard, they were sticking out the tour, and the band is going to add some European dates to the end of it where they’ll decide what to do then.
I wouldn’t put it past the fascist regime to cause a fatal airplane crash of the most famous boy band in the world and pretend they had nothing to do with it.
But the consensus seems to be that once they get to Europe, Domino, Maggie, the kids, and Angel and Jamie will stay, and along with Proxy will meet us in Montenegro.
Last I heard, Brix hadn’t made a decision on what he’s doing.
He might not have been a member of Mike Bravo for a few years now, but if we’ve all been doxed, I’m sure he’s on that list.”
I think back to how Trav insisted we all have military call signs or code names so any blowback will always be on him and not us, but I suppose it’s not difficult to figure out our government names. Especially for the government.
I pull out a stool on the other side of the kitchen counter and take a seat while I take a slower sip of my coffee. “When did it all become so fucked-up?”
“Where do I start?”
“That was rhetorical. I know how it got this bad. Trav didn’t make things easier by saying exactly how he feels about the political climate … to fucking politicians. But who knows, maybe they would have turned on us anyway.”
“Having done some of the missions we have, it wouldn’t surprise me. We know too much. We’re too dangerous. Especially after flat out refusing to continue to do their dirty work.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t be running. Maybe we should be going after the ones in charge.”
“Okay, now you really are sounding like Iris. What are you suggesting? That the fourteen of us could take on the entire government? Assassinate those we don’t like—oh wait. That’s everyone. On both sides.”
I know it’s a ridiculous notion, but … “Our founding fathers gave us the right to bear arms for exactly situations like this—to overthrow a tyrannical government.”
“I don’t think this is what they thought it would be like when they made that amendment.”
More coffee goes down my throat, and I relent. “Fair. I’m calmer now. The caffeine is hitting my system.”
“Man, I’d hate to see you in charge of a unit or platoon without caffeine.”
“Another fair call. It’s not my fault it’s a mood stabilizer. It’s like it’s a drug or something.”
Scout pats my shoulder. “That’s exactly what it is.”
“Best mood stabilizer ever,” I mutter and drain my cup. “One down. Five more to go.”
“Jesus Christ. I’m going to go see if Hazard needs a hand.”
He walks away, and even if I have grand ideas of taking down the government from the inside out, the truth is, there is no way we’d be able to pull it off. Scout is right about that. My ideas are more fantasy than anything that could resemble reality.
Our choices here are die or run. And when it comes to Haz, my choice is easy. I will run to the ends of the Earth if it means keeping him safe.