CHAPTER SEVEN
KAI
Dinner was supposed to be about Dre.
Kai made that clear before they sat down.
Nola made it clear she did not care what he called it.
“If you bring me somewhere with cloth napkins and mood lighting, it’s at least date-adjacent.”
“It’s a steakhouse.”
“With candles.”
“You scared of candles?”
“No. I’m scared of men pretending dinner ain’t dinner.”
Kai pulled out her chair.
“Sit down.”
“See? Date behavior.”
He almost laughed.
The restaurant was in Collingswood, small enough that the owner still walked table to table when he was in. Kai chose it because they wouldn’t be overheard and because Nola had mentioned two days ago that she hated restaurants where music was so loud everybody had to scream over dinner.
He hadn’t meant to remember that.
He did anyway.
Nola noticed the menu prices and looked at him.
“Don’t start acting weird because I ordered what I wanted.”
“Why would I?”
“Some men take you somewhere expensive and start doing mental math when you don’t pick chicken.”
“Get the steak.”
“I was going to.”
“Then why we talking about it?”
“I was warning you.”
“About meat?”
She laughed.
Kai had known her six days and already recognized different versions of that laugh. The sharp one when she was clowning somebody. The little breathy one when she was trying not to give him too much credit. The full one that made her tip her head back.
He liked the full one best.
He did not need to examine that.
After they ordered, he told her what they’d learned.
Dre’s work tablet had been wiped remotely sometime after ten the night he disappeared. Malik recovered enough to confirm a temporary message had been sent through the internal dispatch system.
The sender field was blank.
“Can somebody do that normally?” Nola asked.
“No.”
“So whoever did it knew your system.”
“Or had somebody who did.”
“And Rome?”
Kai looked at her.
“What about him?”
“He been ready to hang Dre since minute one.”
“Rome doesn’t trust easily.”
“Neither do you, and you still check facts.”
Kai took a drink.
“You’ve known him how long?”
“Eleven years.”
“That answer wasn’t the answer.”
“What you asking?”
“Do you trust him?”
“Yes.”
Nola watched him for a second.
“Okay.”
No push. No fake detective speech.
He appreciated that.
Food came.
For ten minutes, they talked about everything except Dre.
Nola worked county emergency dispatch. Not 911 exactly; her unit handled non-emergency police, after-hours public works, welfare checks, and overflow when the main center got slammed.
“So people call you for everything?” Kai asked.
“Everything. Somebody called because a raccoon was on her porch and she said it looked aggressive.”
“Was it?”
“It was a raccoon. They all look like they got warrants.”
Kai laughed.
“Then this man called because his neighbor parked too close to his mailbox. He wanted police.”
“Did he get police?”
“He got me asking him if he could still open the mailbox.”
“Could he?”
“Yes.”
“Then what was the emergency?”
“His feelings.”
She smiled and cut her steak.
“You?”
“What about me?”
“I know Vaughn Recovery. I don’t know you.”
Kai leaned back.
“What you want to know?”
“Why you walk around like somebody stole your smile in 2009.”
“I smile.”
“You smirk. Different department.”
“I laughed at the raccoon.”
“Growth.”
“You like that word.”
“Only with you.”
He looked at her.
Nola’s eyes held his without the little drop or nervous shift he was used to when women realized he was paying close attention.
That was part of the problem.
He liked confidence.
Loved it, really.
Nola had too much of it to ignore.
“You got something you wanna ask me,” she said.
“Why you think that?”
“Because you keep looking like your brain buffering.”
“My brain don’t buffer.”
“Your beard do.”
He laughed despite himself.
“You gonna leave that alone?”
“No.”
“Figured.”
She took another bite.
Kai decided if he was going to do this, he would do it clean.
“You know I don’t usually date big women.”
Nola stopped chewing.
Then slowly put her fork down.
“I’m sorry.”
Kai waited.
She looked down at herself, then back at him.
“This must be devastating for you.”
He laughed.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Because you seem to be in a terrible situation.”
“Nola.”
“What? You brought a BBW to a steakhouse. Is there a hotline?”
“You done?”
“Maybe.”
Kai shook his head.
“I got a rule.”
“A rule.”
“Yeah.”
“About fat women.”
“About what I don’t deal with.”
Nola sat back, fully entertained now.
“Please explain this shit.”
He did.
Not dramatically. He told her he’d dated big women before. Told her the parts that had worn him out: constant reassurance, questions about whether he really wanted them, jealousy that had nothing to do with what he actually did.
Nola listened without interrupting until he finished.
Then she picked up her wine.
“You know what your problem is?”
“I’m sure you about to tell me.”
“You dated insecure women.”
“They were all—”
“Big. I heard you.”
She took a sip.
“You ever dated a skinny woman who was jealous?”
Kai said nothing.
“Pretty woman who kept asking if she was pretty?”
He looked at her.
“Woman with a flat stomach who thought you liked her friend?”
“That’s not the point.”
“That’s exactly the point. You met some women with the same problem and blamed the thing you could see.”
“I don’t have time to build somebody’s confidence.”
Nola shrugged. “Then don’t.”
That wasn’t the argument he expected.
“That’s it?”
“What you want me to say? Nobody you’re dating should make you prove you want them every day. That sounds exhausting.”
Kai nodded once.
“But,” she added.
“Here we go.”
“You took individual women and diagnosed a whole body type. That’s lazy.”
“Lazy?”
“Very.”
“You sitting here confident as hell.”
“I am.”
“So you different.”
Nola’s face changed.
Not offended.
Serious.
“No, I’m not.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do. That’s why I’m telling you no.”
She set the wine down.
“I got insecurities. Mani got insecurities. My mama got them. You got them.”
“I don’t—”
“Beard.”
“Fuck you.”
She grinned.
“See?”
Kai shook his head.
Nola continued, quieter now.
“Women deal with a lot of shit. Black women get picked apart for everything. Big Black women get some extra shit on top. It would be nice if everybody came out the womb confident and stayed that way. They don’t.
That don’t mean you gotta date anybody you don’t wanna date.
Just stop acting like insecurity got a BMI. ”
Kai looked at her.
She picked up her fork again.
Conversation over as far as she was concerned.
No speech waiting for applause.
No demand that he agree.
She just ate.
That bothered him more than if she had tried to convince him.
Because she had made sense.
Again.
“So why you so confident?” he asked.
Nola shrugged. “I’m not about everything.”
“Your body.”
“Oh. I like me.”
Simple.
“Always?”
“No. Middle school was a hate crime.”
Kai smiled.
“But I grew up. My body grew up too. At some point I realized spending every day mad at myself was boring.”
“That’s it?”
“Mostly. Plus my daddy always told me I was beautiful. My mama did too. Mani too. I had people around me that didn’t make being big some tragedy.”
She glanced at him.
“Everybody don’t get that.”
Kai thought about the woman at the lounge looking down at her phone.
He still didn’t regret declining.
But Nola had moved the reason in his head whether he wanted her to or not.
He didn’t like when people did that.
They finished dinner.
Outside, Nola stood beside his truck while he opened the door.
“So what now?”
“Now we keep looking for Dre.”
“I mean us.”
Kai looked at her.
She folded her arms.
“Don’t play dumb. It don’t fit you.”
“What you want?”
“I asked first.”
He stepped closer.
“I want to kiss you.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the answer I got right now.”
Nola considered him.
Then leaned back against the truck.
“Okay.”
He kissed her.
Slow this time.
No office door. No argument. No adrenaline.
Her hand rested against his chest. His palm found the bare skin at her back because apparently he was developing a habit.
Nola smiled into his mouth.
“You really like my back.”
“Yeah.”
“Weird.”
“It’s smooth.”
“Lotion.”
“Keep using it.”
She laughed and kissed him once more.
Then stepped away.
“That’s all you get.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
Kai looked at her.
She opened her own door this time and climbed in.
He stood there for a second.
Nola looked through the window.
“You coming?”
Kai shut the door.
Confidence.
Pretty face.
And apparently a stomach he couldn’t stop noticing under crop tops.
Dez was going to be unbearable.