23. Goodbye
23
GOODBYE
A lberto knocked on the door three times. While he waited, he ran both hands through his hair, then he pushed them into the pockets of the thick black hoodie he was wearing, the one Mathias lent him at the museum so many weeks ago.
Mathias opened the door, dressed in the same outfit as always, and Alberto almost smiled. The sight of him had always been a relief.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Mathias offered as Alberto was kicking off his shoes. “Or to eat?”
He shook his head. “No, thank you.”
There was a brief silence.
“Let’s go to my room, then,” Mathias said, leading the way.
Mathias’s bedroom was messy. Only the tall lamp was switched on, revealing several culinary manuals scattered over the desk, dirty clothes littering the floor, and piles of clean ones that needed to be put away. The bed alone was neatly made.
“Are you planning a dinner party?” Alberto asked, pointing at the desk.
“Oh, that?” Mathias grimaced and started tidying up. “No. My culinary school entrance exam is next week.”
Alberto was relieved. No dinner dates with Elodie or whoever else, then. Just because they were about to part ways didn’t mean Alberto would ever welcome the sight of Mathias holding someone else’s hand. With any luck, he’d remain single until the summer. Then, he’d go to his new school to learn fifty ways to cook a chicken, and they’d never even lay eyes on each other again. With any luck.
Tonight was the beginning of the winter holidays? 1 . Alberto believed the two-week break would be enough to wean himself from Mathias. That’s why he had picked today to say goodbye.
“Sit down, if you want.” Mathias said, gesturing toward the bed.
Alberto shed the black hoodie and did as he was told. Since when were they so formal with one another? Alberto silently prayed Mathias was still the same animal in bed or even their last chapter would turn into another disappointment.
“Are you going to join me?” he asked, his face growing hot.
“Sure.”
Mathias approached in slow steps. Within seconds, they were both sitting at the edge of the bed, facing the wardrobe, their hands so close they almost touched, but their gazes were turned in opposite directions.
It didn’t feel like their last time at all, but the opposite. They were awkward around each other, like first timers hoping sex would be half as good as people say and not half as painful.
“Here we are,” Mathias said.
He looked wretched, sitting there with his head down. Alberto wondered if, between the culinary test, the mock exams, and the football game, Mathias had been stretching himself a little too thin. There was a time Alberto would have known what to do to relax the knot between his brows, but today, he was the one adding to his stress. It was plain on Mathias’s face: he was anxious around him, and he was no doubt eager to be done with it.
Silver lining: at least he would have one less worry after tonight. As much as Alberto loathed parting from him, being a source of torment in his life was simply unacceptable. Since that car ride three days ago, when Alberto had realised he was the one making Mathias’s life difficult, he had promised himself to break the leash, to open the cage. After all the good he did for him, Mathias deserved to be free.
“Here we are…” Alberto gave a brief nod. “I’m a little relieved, to be honest.”
Mathias fidgeted on the bed. “You are?”
“Yeah. A little. ”
Not much, to be fair. The relief came from the fact he wouldn’t have to keep hoping like a fool. The rest was all pain, but he could deal with pain better than hope.
“Yeah…” Mathias’s expression twisted, then softened. “Me too.”
Another silence stretched between them. Alberto wished they’d start fucking already. What else were they going to do? They were already bad with words, and Alberto was at his worst lately. It would be wise to keep his mouth occupied before he lost control of it.
“Why do you look so down?” Mathias’s fingers twitched near Alberto’s. “Don’t tell me Alberto Gazza is going to miss me.”
Alberto bit back the urge to curse him and stuck out his chin. “Even if I did… with my memory, you’ll be forgotten in two weeks.”
Mathias chuckled. “I believe you.”
Alberto mentally cursed him anyway. Now you believe me? You bastard!
When, his elbows on his thighs, Mathias leaned forward and let out a long sigh, Alberto did a quick scan around the room. He wanted to remember how it looked, for posterity. His eyes fell on the picture on the nightstand. Arms wound tightly around her boy, Mathias’s mother was laughing in his face. Alberto shivered and looked away.
“So… should we start, or?” Mathias asked, straightening up.
Alberto snorted. “How about foreplay?”
“Foreplay?”
“Yes, so it doesn’t look too…” Final . “… Transactional.”
“You mean, setting the mood?”
“Something like that.”
“I don’t have anything to fight about.”
Alberto’s fingers curled around his knees. “Did we really fight so much?” It had never felt that way to him…
Mathias didn’t reply.
Fine , Alberto thought. He’d lead the way. Mathias might not want him in his life any longer, but Alberto wouldn’t let him ruin their last time together by being awkward about it.
“Come on…” He edged closer until they were shoulder to shoulder. “Humour me a little.”
“Okay,” Mathias said to the wall. “Sure.”
His little finger twitched again and accidentally brushed against Alberto’s, who felt it everywhere . His scalp was still tingling when he leaned to Mathias’s ear and whispered, “Tell me something you’ve never told anybody.”
Mathias glanced at him. “That’s your idea of foreplay? ”
Alberto shrugged. No, I just want to know your secret, before we say goodbye. Tell me why you picked me, for instance. Why me if you disliked me so much, if you despise me still? Or please, tell me you are gay, or tell me you are bi, and I’ll tell you something even better.
“Weirdo…” Mathias said in a quiet tone. “Why would I do that?”
“Because I’m asking you to.”
Mathias’s lips tightened. Alberto thought he’d tell him off again, but Mathias scooted back and lay down on the bed instead. “I started having that dream again,” he said, the left side of his face plunged in shadows.
Alberto didn’t dare move. He remained seated, his back straight as an arrow as he waited for Mathias to speak again, but in his chest, his heart was drumming with anticipation.
“What dream?” he asked faintly.
“Dream of that corridor at the hospital… Dream of the last door on the right.” Mathias drew a long breath. “That’s where my mother was. I was so angry at her one time, I… I said some things, some things I shouldn’t have…” He paused. “I’ll never forget the look on her face… I knew then, I knew I had let her down.
“I went out after my outburst to calm down, and when I returned, she didn’t hear me come in. She looked so small, sitting on her bed, hairless. She looked even smaller because of what I’d said.”
Alberto finally threw a look over his shoulder. Mathias met his eyes and loudly cleared his throat. “I can’t stop seeing her face in my dream. The pain I had caused… and for nothing… You see, I don’t want to live through that again. That… that guilt. I don’t want to…”
He stopped talking, perhaps expecting Alberto to say something. But the latter was frozen, torn between wonder and terror at the thought he was listening to Mathias for what was probably the last time. Suddenly, each of his words, however hurtful they were in essence, were coming out of his mouth sounding like a symphony.
Mathias waited, waited, then spoke again. “I can’t spend the rest of my life beating myself up… I’ll lose it, I’ll turn bad.” He covered his eyes with his hand. “I deserve better, I think… and so do you.” He exhaled a long breath. “So do you.”
“I know,” Alberto said. “I understand.” He slipped his hand over Mathias’s ankle. Mathias’s guilt, he could understand it better than anyone. Alberto felt guilty all the time. Not for the same reasons as Mathias, of course. Alberto felt no guilt at being queer, nor would he ever feel guilty for not wanting to waste time on someone who didn’t deserve it. His guilt ran deeper. Looking like this, for example. Looking like this and not being more grateful for it. And of course, being here. Being here and not being better at it, as people expected him to be. And the two were linked, constantly feeding into each other, making him feel even guiltier. So, yeah, he got it. He squeezed Mathias’s ankle. He got it.
Mathias’s leg jerked; he abruptly sat up. “Do you… Do you need help?”
Alberto blinked. “Help?”
“Do you need any help? At home?”
Help at home? Mathias wanted to ditch him, fine, but Alberto didn’t need his pity. He huffed in distaste. “Why would I need your help?” Mathias shot him a look of confusion that threw him off guard. “No, thank you. I don’t need your help at all.”
That felt a lie too, but whatever. Mathias only believed what he wanted to believe anyway. In one sense, he was like the others. But that was another lie. Mathias was never like the others. He was the first to bother asking the real questions. Alberto did not know back then that those words had sealed his fate, just like that.
To answer his question, months later, the day of their parting… would it be right or wrong? Could Mathias be trusted in the end? If he could, wouldn’t that make the parting worse?
Why bother? They were done. Alberto could both throw him a bone and satisfy that urge that had gnawed at him for weeks. Look at me, Mathias, there’s something I want to tell you. Something happened to me a long time ago. I saw the Plutonian shores. And though I made it back from the other side, a part of me still lingers over there, waiting. Waiting for me to return.
“I dream of my mother, too,” Alberto said, his voice barely more than a whisper. He lay down on the bed beside Mathias, who leaned on his elbow and stared into his face, his eyes both inquisitive and soft.
“You do?”
Alberto nodded. “I dream about this so often, it feels not like a dream, but a distant memory.” His gaze turned unfocused as he recalled his dream. “I’m lying in a casket, at my own funeral. There’s a crowd of people gathered around me, whispering, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. And then, my mother comes in. She leans over the casket, weeping. Her tears are so heavy, they roll like boulders down her cheeks. She starts howling and cursing the gods and everyone else for the loss of her beautiful boy , her nails gripping the edge of the casket, scraping the varnish. She keeps calling to me, calling me ‘her beautiful boy’, ‘beautiful even in death.’” Alberto paused while his dream occurred in real time in his mind’s eye, as clear as Mathias’s ceiling above him. “All this time, she hasn't noticed my eyes are open, but they are. She doesn’t hear me, and yet, I’m speaking. I tell her, Look, I’m not dead, look at me! I’m not dead, I’m right here… But she can’t hear me. No one can hear me. Mamma is eventually dragged away from the casket, weeping for her beautiful boy .” Alberto turned to Mathias with a sigh. “Dreams… They’re weird, aren’t they?”
Mathias was gaping at him, looking as stiff as a log. Alberto studied his expression and couldn’t understand it. Not that it mattered anyway. Alberto didn’t need to worry about how messed up he looked; he would never see him again after this. He forced his lips to curl into the semblance of a smile.
Mathias suddenly reached over and hooked his hand around his neck, pulling him forward until their lips met. Alberto briefly froze before relaxing in his grip, and when their tongues met, his heart leapt faintly in his chest.
So, that was it, then. Their final tryst had officially started. Talk about bizarre foreplay. But again, they were always weirdos, the two of them. Fighting and fucking, making out in infirmaries, in cemeteries… Always falling, but never landing. Until today.
Their kiss quickly deepened, turning frantic as usual, mouths devouring each other in retaliation for the words neither could say. When Mathias leaned back and bit into the flesh of his neck, tears seeped out the corners of Alberto’s eyes, like rats fleeing a sinking ship. Holding back a sob, he hugged Mathias closer so he wouldn’t notice. But Mathias had other things on his mind; his hands had already slithered under Alberto’s jumper, who instinctively lifted his arms to assist him. Mathias blew over the bite mark he’d just left before he kissed it once, then again.
Within seconds, they were undressed, and within minutes, they were one again. Perhaps the fact that they knew this was the last time made it all the more special. Alberto felt lost during most of it. His head spinning, he relied on his touch more than his sight. Mathias led the way in the dark — Mathias always leading in the dark… Alberto shut his eyes. He was back on the carousel again, chained down to it for another ride. “Where am I?” he asked, his emotions in turmoil .
“You’re with me,” a voice replied — Mathias’s voice . A kiss followed. “You’re with me,” it said again.
Alberto came. Of course he came. He was held in his arms again. Mathias followed shortly after. He was panting, his breath hot on his neck, and for a brief moment, Alberto wished he were crying. Tears streaked his own cheeks, and they had nothing to do with their intense bout of lovemaking, this time. It was distress, it was grief that struck him. Why? Why did they have to say goodbye? Alberto desperately clung to the sheets, terrified of the moment Mathias would slip out of him, and out of his life, forever.
“It hurts…” he choked out, overwhelmed by sadness. He bit into his lip to silence himself, late tears spilling out, burning a path down his temples.
Above him, Mathias’s breath caught. He didn’t kiss Alberto’s neck, as was his habit when he pulled out. Instead, he hurriedly rolled off him and went to sit on the far end of the bed. In a moment of madness, Alberto reached out a hand toward him, but thankfully, Mathias was holding his head in his hands and didn’t notice.
Sill stunned at his own words and actions, Alberto started cleaning himself up in silence. Mathias did the same with his eyes down. “Sorry,” he said after a moment.
Alberto stared at his back in anguish. “Don’t be sorry,” he said. He added in a whisper, “I know you liked me… I liked you, too.”
With a shake of the head, Mathias began putting on his clothes. “It’s best if you leave now. My father will be here soon.”
Alberto watched him, his ears buzzing. He felt as though Mathias’s bed had become quicksand and was about to swallow him. He clumsily slid down to the floor and quickly gathered his clothes.
It took no time for Alberto to get dressed; he made sure his eyes were dry when he faced Mathias again.
“I guess this is goodbye, then.”
Mathias grunted in response and stood up, his hands buried in his pockets.
Alberto thought of Mamma. Dignified, always. Always . He raised his chin. “Thank you for the bruises, Mathias. I’ll cherish the last one.” His hand was on the doorknob when he recalled something and chuckled.
“What?” Mathias said, somewhat meekly.
Alberto squarely met his eyes. “Anastasia. ”
Before new unwanted tears could smash his resolve, he walked out of the room, and of Mathias’s flat, for good.
Outside, night had fallen, and it was raining again. Good , Alberto thought harshly . Under the rain, no one can see you cry . Shivering slightly, he took out his smokes and tried to light up, but it was windy outside Mathias’s building, and he couldn’t get his lighter to work. And why was it so cold? Perhaps he shouldn’t have left Mathias’s hoodie behind after all. To hell with it; it was over, over, over.
His arms wrapped around himself, Alberto set out toward Rue de Sèvres , but he didn’t even make it halfway through Mathias’s street when he heard him call his name. Whirling around, he lost balance and clung to a nearby gate. Mathias was running toward him, the black hoodie in his hands.
“Fuck you!” Alberto blurted out, the words spilling out before he even thought them.
Mathias skidded to a halt before him. “Okay.” He looked miserable, at least. Good. GOOD. “It’s just that you forgot this.”
“It’s yours, arsehole.”
Mathias’s handsome eyes flashed. “I know that, but it’s fucking cold, and you’re fucking standing there with no fucking clothes on again.” He pressed the hoodie to Alberto’s chest. “So take it.”
“You take it!” Alberto pushed it back into his hands.
Something fell from the pocket and clattered to the sidewalk. It was Alberto’s phone.
“Oh, shit,” Mathias crouched and picked it up. “I didn’t know it was in there.”
Alberto retrieved his phone without a word. The screen was now cracked in three places. He glared at Mathias, who took a step back.
“Sorry, I didn’t know.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Mathias. Why don’t you add that to the list?”
Mathias sighed and pushed the hoodie toward him again. “Please, just take it.”
“I don’t want it!” Alberto threw it back in his face.
“You stupid ass!” Mathias seized his wrist and tried to force his arm into the hoodie. Alberto struggled, and soon they were both entangled in it, pushing and shoving and hurling insults at each other, the rain pouring over them.
“Jesus…” Mathias panted, his face glistening. He had managed to fo rce one arm into the sleeve of the garment, but it was the wrong one. “When did you become so fucking strong?”
“When did you become so fucking weak?”
“Oh, fuck you!”
Alberto let out a maniacal laugh. Mathias twisted both his wrists behind his back. “I’ll show you,” he grumbled, then he went, “Shit, shit, shit! It’s my dad!”
Both boys instantly froze in the middle of the street. Mathias spun them around so they’d face the wall, and Alberto shrunk himself and hung his head, hoping that in the dark and the rain, Cyril wouldn’t recognise them. The streetlights bathed the car in a warm glow as it drove down Rue Rousselet . Alberto threw a hesitant look over his shoulder. Indeed, Cyril paid them no attention at all; he was too busy chatting with the woman in the passenger seat.
Alberto’s heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach. “It… it can’t be…”
“That’s her!” Mathias exclaimed by his ear. “That’s your mo?—”
“Mamma…”
The car drove past them and turned around the corner, leaving Alberto and Mathias standing like two fools in the middle of the street. Mathias released Alberto, and noticing he had no strength left in him at all, forced his arms into the hoodie. Alberto stared at him, slack-jawed. “You… you…”
“You saw them, right?” Mathias first appeared excited, but when he saw Alberto’s face, his expression sagged. “Are you okay?” He leaned in and lightly touched his cheek.
“You were telling the truth? This whole time?”
Mathias’s eyebrows shot up. “What? Of course I was! Did you think I was making this shit up all this time?”
Alberto clung to him. “Yes! Of course I did!” He spun around, the rain whipping his face. “It was all… it was all a ploy… It was a lie…”
“It’s fine, calm down.” Mathias gently shook him. “Calm down.”
“No! This whole time… it was you… You sought me out…”
“Alberto?”
“You sought me out…”
At last, a great rip occurred inside of him. Overwhelmed by excruciating pain, Alberto took to his heels and fled.