18 #2
‘But I’m only making things worse for everyone by doing that. Isn’t that what you meant, by saying you shouldn’t pursue anything with David?’
She shakes her head, her hands moving down to gently squeeze my shoulders.
‘No, that’s not it at all. When you and Adam got together, there was a possibility that things could work out.
But me and David? We’re like chalk and cheese.
We don’t even get along. In fact, I think he’s the most annoying, insufferable person I’ve ever met. ’
Until now, I’d felt awful, rethinking my own choices and worrying over them. But when she says that, I can’t help but smile.
‘And you’ve never stopped to wonder if all that dislike you felt wasn’t a mask for the exact opposite? Have you never watched a romcom?’
She stops to think about it, and the realisation plays out on her face as she thinks back over past memories.
Wondering if what I’ve said might’ve been true all along.
She slumps, throwing her hands up like nothing makes sense to her any more.
‘Or maybe all of those reasons are bullshit, and I’m just scared.
Really fucking scared to give things a go, and for it to go wrong. ’
I tilt my head, amazed by the myriad ways this conversation has shifted since Tilly dive-bombed in here.
Finally, we’ve reached the crux of the problem and I realise why she’s been so freaked out over all of this.
Because being scared about anything, apart from fat-bodied spiders that move at one hundred miles an hour, is not like Tilly.
It’s funny how much our roles have reversed since we had this exact conversation on a ski lift the other day.
‘Tilly, it’s okay to freak out sometimes. Welcome to my world! Why would you think you had to hide being scared of new things from the queen of it?’
I understand now though why she hadn’t told me. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to talk about it, it was because she didn’t want to admit it to herself. All these new feelings that she doesn’t know what to do with.
‘I think you should start following your own advice,’ I go on. ‘Go with the flow, be loose, or whatever wisdom you bestowed upon me a few days ago.’
I think I do some strange movement when I say the words ‘be loose’, which makes her chuckle, looking a little less like she thinks the world is about to end. She chews at her lip, her mind whirring as she considers my point.
‘So, you think I should give things a try? Even though it’s doomed?’
I nod, not because I think it’s doomed, but I don’t think she’s ready to hear how I think they’re actually a great fit for each other. Then I ask her a question of my own. ‘And you think I should do the same? Even though it’s tearing the group apart?’
I mean it seriously, but she pushes herself back to the other side of the tub and sends a splash right into my face. ‘Stop being dramatic. We’re all adults here, and I think you’re also forgetting you guys have basically broken up ten times over the last seven years.’
Not quite ten, I think, but I see her point.
‘We’ll be fine. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise.’
‘You don’t need to apologise. We’re good.’ I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a big wet hug. Finally, we’re back to normal.
We don’t speak for a while, me processing the ups and downs of the last ten minutes, and of finally finding out what her secret was. Meanwhile she stares at the water like sinking into it might be easier than accepting she feels anything other than dislike for David.
‘I can’t believe I like David,’ she mutters after a while, groaning as she tilts her head back so it rests on the lip of the hot tub. ‘What planet are we living on right now, and when’s the next rocket off?’
I giggle, secretly thrilled by this turn of events. The sound of two slippered feet clap on the path behind my head and then Meghan appears having finally emerged from the sauna.
‘What did I miss? Tilly looks like she’s eaten some gone-off sushi.’
I don’t respond, unsure whether to share the news that isn’t mine to share. But opposite me Tilly nods, waving at me to say it for her, and the words burst out. ‘She and David kissed yesterday and slept together four days ago.’
‘No way! That was a long time coming,’ Meghan says, kicking off her slippers and lowering herself into the tub.
‘What! Am I the only one who didn’t see this on my cards? Am I blind?’
‘Blinded by loooove,’ I say, making kissing noises over at her as she splashes me with both hands.
‘Ugh, stop. I can’t cope with this level of revelation right now. I need to chill out,’ she says, hands cupping her cheeks as she takes deep breaths.
‘That’s funny, I didn’t think spas were supposed to be stressful,’ I say, perfectly relaxed now that everything is out in the open. I stretch my legs across the bubbling jets, the water doing wonders for the lingering pain in my ankle.
‘Can we change the subject please, maybe back to you and your ski-instructor lover boy?’
‘I don’t really know what else to say,’ I admit, but then I remember how our conversation ended earlier. ‘Except he asked me if I was free to hang out after our lesson tomorrow.’
‘Do you think he might take you out on a date?’ Meghan claps her hands together.
‘Maybe bang your brains out in some staff-only closet?’
‘Classy as always, Tills,’ I say, and she bows her head in thanks. More herself now that she has someone else’s love life to think about.
I don’t tell them that I haven’t said yes yet. But I let myself think about the prospect of spending time with him again tomorrow, and I can’t deny it makes me feel all fluttery. I have the urge to jump out of the tub, find my phone and text him my answer.
Hearing Tilly say that she thinks it’s okay for me to explore the spark I can’t deny we have, it’s like someone’s come and removed the safety wheels. It’s early, and I can’t be sure of anything, but I do want to give myself some more time to figure it out.
I have no clue what could still happen, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that tomorrow I’ll be back on the slopes. And once I’ve towelled off and headed back inside to message Rory, I think I’m going on a date too.