Chapter Twenty-Three #3
“Alex, he wouldn’t want this. We haven’t even said ‘I love you.’ Why would he take on something this big?
This isn’t just some minor detour… it’s life-changing.
Even the doctors have said that this pregnancy is high-risk.
He talked about complications, abnormalities, gestational diabetes…
” I shake my head, “…. doctor’s appointments, responsibilities, an entire future that neither of us planned for.
It’s not just about money, we both have plenty of that.
But Nate, he’s young. His future is wide open, his path already mapped out.
He didn’t sign up for this kind of drama with an old woman who is defective when we got together, and I won’t be the one to derail his life before it’s even really started. ”
Alex sags her shoulders. “First of all, you’re not old or defective.
And the doctor is only telling you things that could happen.
Your baby might be perfectly healthy, just like its parents.
But as for Nate, what in the world makes you think he wouldn’t stand by your side in this?
You don’t know unless you tell him, Ria.
Please, tell him. He deserves to know. It’s his baby too. ”
“Alex, no. Telling him won’t change anything, it’ll only scare him. Hell, it’ll terrify him. I’m fucking terrified. And for what? What good would that do both of us being scared shitless?”
She shakes her head and swallows hard. “I hate seeing him so cut up about you. I hate watching you miserable without him.”
“I hate being without him, Alex. I hate knowing what we could have had. I miss him so much it’s killing me, but right now… this is the only way I know how to move forward.”
“I’m gonna be honest… I think your way is wrong.
Terribly wrong. You’re not giving him enough credit.
He’s older than his twenty-six years, and you know it.
He’s been through more than most men twice his age.
And I think, if you told him, he wouldn’t just step up, he’d prove you wrong in ways you never expected.
” Alex exhales sharply, shaking her head.
“I know he’d want to know. I know he’d be the best damn support you could ever have.
And more than that? He’d be the best dad.
You think you’re protecting him, but all you’re doing is shutting him out of something he has every right to be a part of.
” She pauses, her voice dropping lower. “Watching you try to handle this alone? It’s not strength, Zaria.
It’s stubborn as fuck. And honestly? It’s stupid. Sorry, but someone has to say it.”
Looking down at my hands in my lap, I nod and sigh.
She’s probably right.
Everyone misjudges Nate, and I detest that they do it.
Oh God… now I’m doing it.
He could handle this.
I know deep down inside me that he could.
He’d support me, help me through the worst of the sickness, and take me to every appointment I need.
Hell, he’d hold my hair while I puked. He’d rub my back and my feet.
Be there for every scan and test. He’d be here every second of every day if I let him.
But that’s the thing. I want him to be his own man.
I want him not to give up his entire life for mine.
I want him to continue with Recoil and his new gallery, and I worry if I tell him what’s going on, he will throw in the towel to be with me full-time.
I can’t risk that.
I just can’t.
I need him to forget.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’ve made up my mind. Nate means everything to me, and because of that, I’m able to let him go. I can’t bring his future down. That future is only just starting. I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career. See where I’m going with this?”
Alex shakes her head and exhales. “Okay, but I can’t guarantee that he isn’t going to go off the deep end when he does find out. And you know he will. It’s inevitable, Ria. You can only hide it for so long before, you know.”
Closing my eyes briefly as I picture Nate’s face, I smile slightly, remembering the good times. “I know. Hopefully, by then, he’ll have moved on, and it won’t be an issue.”
She scoffs out a bemused laugh. “You’re fucking delusional.”
“Quite probably,” I reply.
Alex smiles and pulls me to her, embracing me tightly. “I know this is hard on you, Ria, but sometimes, asking for help isn’t a bad thing.”
“I ask you for help.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yes, but sometimes you need a man’s help… your man’s help.”
“I get you, but I’m not wavering. I love you for trying, though. I’m so glad I have you, Alex.”
“Oh, Ria, for everything you’ve done for me?
It’s the other way around. I’m so freaking lucky I have you.
I’m so happy you asked me to help Nate. I think he’d be lost without me, to be honest. Matt’s helping him, but I hope I’m a good ear when he needs it.
And a good kick up the backside, too. Plus, I think a little bit of female presence in his life, with some positive affirmations sent his way, is a good ego boost. Poor guy has some serious self-confidence issues. ”
“I know, he’s so broken. His life has been one rejection after another, and I’m another one to add to his list. I fucking hate that I’ve done that to him.
I wish there were another way, I really do.
I wish I could make him feel like he wasn’t a reject, that if I could, I would have him in my life in a heartbeat.
He is good enough. He is more than good enough.
I wish he knew that.” Another fat tear forms in my eye and slides down my cheek.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep looking after him.
He’s such an amazing man, Ria. I know why you like him.
He’s a really good friend to me, and after this short amount of time with him, I’m so fond of him already.
Nate’s an incredible guy, and I don’t know why people think so poorly of him.
Sure, he can be a little pigheaded and stubborn, but underneath it all, he’s super caring and loyal.
And man, he really likes you. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s in love with you, Ria. ”
“I get it. I’ve fucked this up and lost a good man.”
She just doesn’t fucking get it, not that I expect her to.
I flop my head back onto the headrest of the sofa and exhale. I know how he feels. I’m in love with him, too, but that doesn’t help this situation. It only makes it more challenging.
“I know. Alex, please, tell me you’ll watch out for him… like a sister. Keep him in line, but be kind to him and be there for him.”
She nods. “I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Nate means a lot to me already, Ria. He might not think so, but he’s one of my closest friends. I don’t have a lot, and I don’t let people in easily, as you know, so he doesn’t really know how closed off I can be.”
“I know. I can’t believe how far you’ve come. From that broken, shy girl I first met at the shelter to the amazing, confident woman you are now, Alex. I’m in awe of you.”
“Well, that might have something to do with this gorgeous actress who brought me out of my shell, told me I could be someone, and reminded me I had a life to live, and I should live it. You might know her. I think she needs some of her own advice right now.” Alex looks right into my eyes, and I barely manage to lift one side of my mouth with an awkward half-smile.
“I hear you. I know I’m a little lost. This has thrown me a bit. The news is, well, life-changing. But you can either let it drown you, or you take it day by day and deal with it as best you can. That’s what I’m doing, Alex… I’m dealing.”
Alex shakes her head and looks over to the counter, where the bottles of vitamins and other medicines are lined up. “Are they helping?”
I shrug. “A little, but not much. The nausea is a real killer. It’s all the time now, and nothing’s really helping. The swelling and aches I’m getting a handle on, and the tiredness comes and goes, but doctors have said it will probably only get worse before it gets better.”
“Ria—”
“I’m not telling him!”
“Okay, I won’t say anything more about it, and you know I’m always here for you. But please, call me if you need anything. Anything at all. Even someone to hold your hair while you puke.”
“Thank you, Alex, you’re a true friend.” Even just saying the word puke is making me want to expel what little is in my stomach. There are days I can’t catch a break with the constant sickness, and I freaking hate it.
She pulls back from me and looks me up and down. “Have you eaten today?”
“A little.” I fake a smile.
“Did you have dinner?”
The thought of food makes my stomach spin, and I curl my lip up in protest, shaking my head.
“Ria, I’m pretty sure you’re losing weight. I can see it in your face.”
I take a deep breath, trying to settle my churning stomach. “I’m fine.”
“How about some crackers? Something dry and small, but at least it’s something?”
I nod.
Alex stands and walks toward the kitchen, while I stay on the sofa, feeling like the toll of this conversation has drained all my energy. “What do you think Nate will do when he finds out, Alex?”
She turns back to look at me and purses her lips. “I think he’s going to be angry you didn’t tell him. But I think he will step up, whether you want him to or not. You won’t have a choice. He’ll be back in your life, and things will be how they’re meant to be.”
My body tenses at the thought of Nate being dragged back into my mess. Thinking of him ruining his life for me makes my stomach churn. Bile creeps up my throat, and I gag as I jump from the couch and bolt for the downstairs bathroom, trying to hold it in until I reach the toilet.
“Ria!” Alex calls out as I reach the bathroom, throwing up only bile and acidic liquid into the bowl.
And all I can think about while my eyes water is Nate.