Chapter 31 #3
“So, yeah. I still love you. I loved you before I knew what to call it, and I love you now, even after all the ways we’ve fucked this up. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I ever will.”
“I don’t deserve that,” he whispered. “I broke up with you, and I let that fight happen. I stood across from you tonight, knowing who we were and what we’d already been through, and I still stepped into that cage.”
“So did I.”
“Yeah, but I tried to convince myself walking away was the right thing to do, like I was saving us from hurting more.” He gave a slight shake of his head. “I wasn’t saving anything. I was scared, and I made it your problem.”
“Baby.”
His breath caught on the word, and he pulled me closer until there was barely any space left between us. “I love you. I love you so much I thought leaving would hurt less than watching us slowly fall apart. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.”
“I’m here.”
“I know.” His forehead rested against my chest. “That’s what kills me.”
My free hand moved to the back of his head, careful and gentle because I was still afraid of touching the wrong spot. “What does?”
“That you’re here.” His fingers stayed tangled with mine. “After everything. After me walking away, after tonight, after you knocked me out in front of half the fucking world, you’re still here, telling me you’ve loved me since we first met.”
“I am.”
“Then I need you to hear me too.” He pulled back enough to see my face.
“I love you. I loved you when I climbed through your window because your room was the only place I could breathe. I loved you when you told me to stay, when you kissed me back, and when you made me believe I could be part of someone’s future. ”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat as he continued.
“I loved you when you left for the Air Force, even though I hated you for leaving. I loved you in LA when I told Devon I was with someone, because even before I said your name, it was you. It was always you.
“I loved you when I signed that contract, and I loved you every second I tried to act like this fight was only professional. I still love you, even though my head hurts and I’m pissed you knocked me out.”
A laugh burst out of me before I could stop it. “You’re pissed?”
“Yeah.” He grinned. “But I’m more pissed that I let you believe I could ever stop loving you.”
My laugh faded fast because I’d believed that he didn’t love me anymore. Maybe not because I wanted to, and maybe not every second, but when he broke up with me, I’d told myself it had finally happened. He’d found a way to leave us behind.
“I didn’t want to believe that,” I admitted.
His thumb moved against mine. “But you did.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
For once, I let the apology stay there. I didn’t try to fix it or make it easier for either of us.
“I was trying to do the right thing,” he told me.
“I believe you were.”
He didn’t let me look away. “But you don’t know what I was trying to stop.”
“Baby.”
“I wasn’t trying to stop loving you,” his voice dropped. “I was trying to stop us from hurting each other, yet I hurt you anyway.”
Keaton’s forehead returned to my chest, and for a few beats, neither of us said anything as we wrapped our arms around each other. I could feel every uneven breath he took, every second he spent trying to hold himself together.
“You don’t get to decide things for both of us again,” I said.
“I won’t.”
“And I don’t either.”
He tipped his face up. “You mean that?”
“Of course. I’m tired of hurting and being without you.”
He held my stare, searching for something I hoped he found, because I didn’t have a plan or a promise for what came next.
California, Florida, the fight, and everything else waiting outside the door were still there, still ready to make this harder, but Keaton was in my arms, and for that moment, I let that be enough.
“I’m still mad at you,” he whispered.
“I know.”
“And my head hurts.”
“I know that too.”
“And I’m probably going to be pissed again later when I remember this better.”
I snorted. “That’s fair.”
His eyes narrowed a little. “Don’t sound relieved about it.”
“I’m not.”
“You kind of are.”
“I’m relieved you’re here to be mad at me.”
The door opened behind us, and Coach Phil walked in, followed by the doctor. I stepped back to give the doc some room to check on Keaton again.
“How’s the dizziness?” the doctor asked.
“Still there.”
“Better or worse?”
“Same.”
“It will probably be an hour or so before it wears off. Take it easy, and you can head back to your hotel.”
“Will do.” Keaton slid off the table. For once, he didn’t try to prove anything. He stood there, blinking through whatever the room did to him as he moved.
“You dizzy?” I asked.
“A little.”
The doctor stepped closer. “Sit back down if it gets worse.”
“I’m okay.” His fingers found mine again, and I held on.
Coach Phil watched the small movement. “You ready to go?” he asked Keaton.
I braced before I could stop myself.
Keaton felt it. His thumb moved against mine. “Rowan’s coming with me.”
Coach Phil nodded. “I figured.”
“He’s staying with me tonight too.”
“Also figured.”
“I am?” I smirked.
“Yeah, you’re stuck with me now, Lockdown.”
I shook my head as I chuckled. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, baby.”