Chapter 18
I stayed up all night thinking about what was happening to me.
Yes, I haven't been with anyone for three years, and I've even forgotten what it feels like to have sex with someone, to feel someone's body over mine, but after meeting Danylo, this thought hasn't left me.
I don't need a relationship, I don't need love.
Just sex.
Just meaningless, amazing sex.
"Good morning," I get off the elevator and go to the reception to sign in.
"Good morning," Danylo says from the reception desk.
I notice a little stubble on his face and bruises under his eyes.
"Bad night?"
"Bad week."
"Yes, Danylo is here almost every day, we don't know what we would do without him," one of the nurses adds and smiles.
"I’m already planning to move some things here and settle in staff room," he yawns.
On the way to the staff room, I drink green tea and wonder why Danylo has been working seven days a week.
"Most of the interns had a lot of classes to do, so they took time off, there's a lot more work now, plus you've been busy this week."
"Will you make it through the night tonight?"
"This is my third cup of coffee, so I hope so," Danylo smiles tightly.
We go into the staff room, but Danylo doesn't change his clothes, he sits down on the couch and within two minutes he falls asleep.
Now his sharp features look relaxed. It's even cute. His always tense and strong body is now calm. I look at him without even realising that I dream of someday falling asleep calmly, not worrying about anything, finding peace of mind.
I decide not to wake him up, since we only have one job in the morning, to check patients, and I can do that without him, so I let him sleep.
I close the door behind me and pick up my book to start my morning rounds.
During this week, many people left the hospital, and many of them got used to it. I catch myself thinking that I started smiling more and talking to everyone, not because of Danylo’s words, but because of these people.
Because of my patients. The last thing they need right now is an intern who is disappointed in the whole world and is rude to everyone. So I try to be the nicest person in the world.
"How are you doing?" I ask.
"Oh, I'm fine, dear," says one old man who has been here for three weeks.
He doesn't want to say it, but he feels that he doesn't have much time left. And I don't see fear or pain on his face, it's humbling. He knows that his time will come soon. And I don't know why, but it breaks my heart.
After a few more wards, I finish my morning work and return to the room, where a sleepy Danylo is already running out.
"Did I miss everything?" he moans.
"I don't think you missed anything important."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me."
"I know," I touch his hair with my hand and fix it, "you're just tired." Danylo smiles and then pulls away. I take my hand away. I was always fixing Denys's hair, which was flying in all directions, but it made him so cute. I probably didn't realise how I made this innocent gesture for me, but Danylo probably didn't like it.
"Do you want to get something to eat?" Danylo quickly asks, changing the tense situation between us.
"Yes, sure," I smile.
We don't talk on our way, and I feel guilty for touching him like that without permission.
"I'm sorry," I stop, "I didn't mean to."
"What are you talking about?" Danylo pretends that nothing happened, and although this should make me feel better, for some reason it doesn't.
"For touching your hair."
"It's okay darling you can touch my hair as much as you want," he jokes.
I smile.
In the cafeteria, Danylo buys water and I get a croissant and hot chocolate. Danylo pays for everything.
"In my presence, women never pay for themselves," Danylo explains when I insist on paying for everything myself.
"You are a real gentleman."
"That's how my grandmother raised me," Danylo pulls out the chairs and we sit down at the table opposite each other.
His dark hair has lightened a bit and got shorter, and I didn't notice it, but it seems that after our first meeting at the bus stop, he cut his hair. His brown eyes are now a darker shade because it's raining outside, and it's not the first time I've noticed that his eye colour changes due to the weather. Danylo's lips are not at all plump, but they fit perfectly with his pronounced cheekbones and sharp nose.
"Did your grandmother raise you?" I finally ask him something.
"Yes, after my mother died, my father couldn't stand it and found his consolation in a bottle of vodka and then he disappeared from my life, sometimes appearing and preparing me for his business."
"And you not close with him?"
I can't imagine what it was like for that little boy who lost not only his mother but also his father.
"A few years ago, when he was on the righteous path, he tried to resume communication with me, but I didn’t allow him. He has a new family now, a much better one than I probably could have given him, because then he wouldn't have left me," and although Danylol's voice is low and confident, I feel a sharp pain trying to escape from inside.
"It's not your fault, if he was a real father, he would never have left his child."
Danylo doesn't answer. He looks away in silence.
"How did it happen that you and Zlata are together?"
"Amelia," he smiles, "I've already told you, age is not important, only your feelings are."
"How did you two meet?"
"We've known each other for a long time, our parents are business partners, but if you mean the first time we slept together, it was in a club." I grimace.
The thought of Danylo and another woman is unpleasant.
"It was not the best period of my life, and Zlata was my salvation, she pulled me out of that abyss."
"How long have you been together?"
"Soon it will be the third year."
"Three years?" I shout out, and then I clear my throat, I didn't expect my reaction to be so strong. "Three years is a pretty long period of time for a relationship."
"Yes," Danylo smiles proudly, "and you?" he moves closer, "have you been in a relationship, Amelia?"
"Yes," I answered briefly, despite the pain that had already begun to tear at my heart.
"For how long?"
"Four years," I don't intend to explain everything, so I keep it short, hoping that Danylo will get off my back.
"Wow," he wonders, "why did you break up?"
"He died," I bite my cheek from the inside to hold back my tears, "he died so that I could live," I answer and fall silent.
On Danylo's face, you can see all the emotions that are raging in my heart, he is sorry, and he is in pain, he knows what it is like to lose someone. His hand covers my arm.
"You'll get through this, mon amour."
"No," I shake my head, "I will never find peace in this world.
This is the second time Danylo and I have talked about such intimate topics, and I've hardly ever trusted anyone with my secrets, but here I'm spilling everything out as if we've known each other all our lives.
I don't like the fact that he knows so much about me, but we share similar stories, so he doesn't try to support me or reassure me, because he knows it won't help.
We are silent, and this silence is more important than millions of unspoken words. I finish my croissant and Danylo finishes his water. We also go to the reception in silence and spend the rest of the day working.
We fall on the couch, terribly tired, it's ten o'clock in the evening and probably the first time we've sat down since the morning breakfast.
"I can't feel my legs," Danylo moans.
"I can't feel anything," I laugh.
"We have a few hours to sleep, I think if something happens, the nurses will call us," Danylo suggests, and I can't refuse.
I don't even get up from the couch, we fall asleep right away, having set the alarm for an hour and a half of sleep.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I don't dream about anything. I sleep peacefully, I don't wake up, I don't scream or cry. I feel completely at peace, and no matter how much I want to stay in this moment, the alarm rings mercilessly and we have to wake up.
At first, I didn't realise that something heavy was squeezing my stomach. But when I felt someone's calm breathing above my ear, I realised that Danylo was lying next to me with his arms around my waist.
And although the alarm has been ringing for two minutes, he doesn't wake up and doesn't let go of me, and I can't get away.
By some miracle, I turn to face him.
"Danylo," I whisper, "Danylo, wake up."
I stop myself from running my hand over his face.
I stop myself from kissing the small and almost invisible scar on his lip.
I touch his hand and he slowly opens his eyes.
"Amelia," he smiles, the smile that drives all the girls in the hospital crazy, "just let me lay a little longer."
"We have to work," I insist, still trying to get out of his arms.
Or maybe I'm not trying so hard to get out of his arms. I can't deny that despite his strong body, it feels good to hold Danylo.
"Yeah," he groans, and then realisation hits him, "shit," Danylo explodes off the couch. "I'm sorry, I don't know how it happened." I don't know either, we fell asleep at different ends, but by some miracle we ended up next to each other.
"I must have thought you were Zlata in my dream, I'm sorry," he repeats once again.
It was painful.
"It's okay," I answer, never admitting to myself or anyone else that it was the most peaceful hour and a half of my life in the last three years.
He doesn't look at me anymore. Come on, Danylo, why don't you look up at me? Look at me the way you always do.
He runs his hand through his hair, then puts his hands on his sides, and then flies out of the room.
I don't follow him. He feels guilty about Zlata, and he has every right to, I'm an idiot.
While no one is around, I decide to take out my books and study a little. Difficult theory always makes my brain boil, especially when I realise that it's two in the morning. But I still sit down at the table and start cramming.
Tracheostomy.
Incision and suture of the esophagus.
Vanach and Kreil operations.
Everything is spinning before my eyes. I need to go for an additional portion of green tea.
I walk through the corridors in search of Danylo and only ten minutes later I find him sitting on chairs in the corner.
"What are you doing here?"
"Amelia, what's wrong?"
I turn over my shoulder to see if there is another Amelia here, the one he is addressing like that.
"What is it? You're weird that's what's wrong. First you almost kiss me in your room, then you hug me while I'm sleeping and run away like you're a thief who robbed me."
"It was an accident," he jumps up and stands right in front of me.
I look up at him.
"It wasn't an accident," I touch his arm, "you know that." "Amelia," he groans and lowers his head.
"What?"
But he doesn't answer my question. Our bodies are too close together. I can feel the heat coming from him. He is on fire. And I'm burning too.
I'm burning for him.
"Danylo, don't be silent. Please talk to me. Tell me everything that's going on in your head."
My voice sounds so desperate, like I'm going to cry.
"Push me away, Ami. Push me away so far that I can never come back into your life again."
"I won't do it."
"Please, Amelia, don't do this to me. Don't make me hurt you."
"Hurt me, Danylo. Touch me, bare my soul, fight with me, but don't leave."
I rise on my tiptoes so that my lips are level with his. We are so close to breaking all the rules. We are so close to destroying our own lives.
I can feel his heavy breathing. I can see his struggle. But I am almost suffocating. I need him like people need the sun. But even if the sun disappears from the sky, his lips will help me live on.
But he doesn't kiss me. He turns away. He lets go of my hands. He lets go of me. An unpleasant cold envelops me.
"This is wrong," he almost shouts.
"I know."
"Amelia, please say something that makes me hate you. Say something that will make me get you out of my head for just a minute. Say something to make me stop thinking about you before I go to bed."
He is desperately fighting his feelings. And I'm desperately powerless over him.
"So don't put me out of your mind. Don't stop thinking about me. Don't stop hugging me and kissing me."
"I can't, Amelia. I just can't."
He looks at me one last time and walks away. I ignore the pain in my heart, even though I have no right to. I ignore the anger coursing through my veins. I ignore the urge to throw myself after him.
There are a few hours left in the shift. I go back to my room, continuing to read the material and continuing to ignore the tears that are dripping from my eyes and flooding the book.
***
"Amelia," Edith, one of the nurse who works here, opens the door, "Mr
Jonson is waiting for you in his office."
I nod. My heartbeat is racing, thousands of thoughts are running through my head about what I could have done wrong, and I don't want to lose this internship.
I walk down the corridor, and although the distance from the nurses' station to Mr Jonson's office is not long, it seems like an eternity. I look at the pictures on the walls, trying to capture every last stroke in my memory, as this is probably my last day here.
I have already said goodbye to everyone in my mind, although I can't say that I have made many friends here, but I have got used to this hospital.
I stop in front of the door, take a deep breath, and knock.
"Hi, Amelia," Mr Jonson smiles, but then his smile disappears.
My heart falls into the abyss. He indicates that I should sit down, and I obey him.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, I would like to ask you this, Danylo Bondar refused to work with you in the same shift, did you have a fight? Or was there another reason?" I'm speechless.
But then I exhale, I'm not being fired.
Wait. What?
Did Danylo refuse to work with me?
"I don't know," I finally say, "I don't think anything like that happened."
"He asked me to do it, Amelia, very strongly. Is there something wrong?"
"No, to be honest, I don't know what the reason is, maybe we just didn't hit it off."
"Okay," he nods, "If you need anything, you can always talk to me." "Thank you," I force out a smile.
When I went to the nurses' station hoping to see Danylo, his things were gone.
We almost made a mistake. We almost broke the rules. We almost became the biggest sinners. But how can I atone for a sin I never committed?