Chapter 32
"How would you rate your emotional state from one to ten?" I moved closer to the back of the chair.
Minus a thousand.
"Five," I lie.
Again. I think my psychiatrist suspects I'm lying, but she's not saying anything yet.
"I see," she nods and again writes something in her notebook.
I love the way her office smells. Most likely, lavender.
This is only our second session, but so far I have not felt any changes.
"Do you resent yourself for something?"
"For everything."
I'm a wreck. I'm a tsunami. I'm a tornado.
"Partly," I raised my knees and hugged myself.
"Why exactly do you think that you are guilty of something?" I'm thinking.
"People suffer because of me."
"Do you think that you treat yourself meticulously?"
"I evaluate everything as it really is. I know I'm screwing things up. I know that I leave people at the very moment when they need me the most."
"Why exactly are you doing this?" I hold back tears.
"Because I am afraid that I will not be able to give them what they expect from me."
Another thirty minutes and fifteen incomprehensible questions pass before I can finally get up from the chair and leave the walls of the psychotherapist's room.
Not that I didn't enjoy the sessions. I decided to go on them. They just don't help me at all.
Besides, of course, I feel even more guilty when I say all my thoughts out loud.
"How was it?" Sebastian opens the car door for me and I get inside.
"Not bad."
It seems to me that it is becoming a habit to lie to everyone.
"Have you realised the cause of your depression?" Danylo.
"Not yet. She thinks that I blame myself for everything. I can't let go of the past, I can't forgive myself because of Denys." There is some truth in this.
"I think this too. Until you forgive yourself for what Denys did, you will not be able to move on."
Sebastian stops at a traffic light and turns to me.
"Mom suggested going to some warm countries for the holidays, I think the rest will be good for you."
Holidays are good, of course. But I need to pass more exams to rest with a free soul.
"Did you talk to Danylo?"
The last time we talk was two weeks ago, when I saw him with Zlata.
"No, why are you asking? Something happened?"
"No, he asked me if we were staying in Kyiv for the holidays. They are having a party." "Ah," I nod.
"If you want to go…"
"No," I interrupt him, "I want to spend time with my family. Unless maybe, you want to go?"
"I don't know," he shrugs his shoulders, "you need me now more than my friends, so we'd better go somewhere to relax," he smiles.
"Thank you," I say quietly, looking at my feet.
"For what?"
"For everything. You are always there. Always helping me." "Ami, you know that I will do everything to make you happy." I know.
I didn't have a father, but I did have Sebastian. He would give his life for me. As I would for him.
"You managed it. You tried to replace our father, and you succeeded," I hold back tears.
Sebastian looks straight at me.
"I will never be able to replace him, Amelia, but I tried to do everything to make you happy."
I wipe my tears. I love my brother. I love him so much.
The moment I pick the phone up, I receive a text message.
Him: How about a meeting?
While I'm reading the SMS, I manage to change my mind a million times. Will it benefit me if I see Danylo?
Unlikely.
Will it destroy me?
Likely. However, it's hard to destroy something that's already exploded, so I'm sending Yes.
Him : Great. In an hour at the park?
Me : I’ll be there.
"Can you take me to the dormitory." I ask Sebastian.
"Yes, what is it? Have you changed your mind about going?"
"Plans have changed."
"And who changed your plans?" the stupid smile on his face becomes even wider.
"Not your business Sebastian, I also have a personal life, besides, you don't tell me about yours."
I find a reason to finally find out what he is hiding from me, but he just replies:
"Yes, you are right, this is your personal life."
We drive up to the dormitory, I get out of the car, and Sebastian opens the window and says:
"Be careful with your personal life ."
***
I’m sitting on a park bench and waiting for Danylo. My feet are starting to freeze little by little, and the red nose looks like it's going to fall off. I look around and do not see any familiar faces.
Except for the only one whose cheeks turned red, and his hands froze from pushing the pram.
Danylo is not alone.
He is with his son.
My heart is pounding, my legs are already carrying me back to the dormitory, and my hands are closing the door with a lock. However, I stand and wait for him.
"Hey," he smiles with his usual sweet smile.
"Hi," I nod.
"Son, this is Amelia, mi mejor amigo para siempre," Danylo laughs.
I remembered this phrase best friend forever . I know he doesn't mean it, just mocking it, but I like the part that translates to forever .
I approach the pram and notice a very small face and bright blue eyes staring at me in fear.
"He's so cute," I say.
"Yes, he is the best." Danylo nods. "Are you cold?" he notices how I warm my red hands. "Let's go to a café nearby."
I agree, because if I don't drink some hot tea after a few minutes, I feel like I'm going to turn into an ice statue.
"How are you doing with Zlata?" I ask. "Is it difficult with the child?"
"I don’t know. After the birth of Timothey, we seemed to be even more distant from each other, although we were not close anyway. We have been sleeping in different rooms for four months. Now I feel lonely and miss the time when..."
He stops and doesn’t finish his words. But I know what he meant.
When he was with me.
I know because I feel the same way.
"I didn't want to admit that I was dating Zlata because that's what our parents wanted, because I thought that’s how my father would pay attention to me, I thought I loved her until I realised what love really is," he looked into my eyes and looked deep into my soul.
I’m silent. I don’t know what to say.
"You better tell me how you are?" He says quickly.
"The other day I saw Denys's brother," I tell, as if it was an ordinary meeting.
"And…how was it?"
"We had a good talk, we plan to meet again tomorrow."
And it's true. Almost immediately after the meeting, Louis offered to have dinner again. I couldn’t refuse, and not because he is Denys' brother, but because I wanted it myself.
I remembered the past. Back when I didn't have to suffer the pain. Back then, when Louis occupied an important place in my life. The two of us still haven't recovered from what happened, so why not save each other.
"Hm, good."
I don't know what exactly I notice in his voice.
Anger?
"Yes, we were once very close, and I would like to return this connection between us."
"Yeah," Danylo nods, "it would be good if you returned to your normal life."
We go inside the café. Timothey, surprisingly, is a very calm child. He sleeps all the time, even when Danylo feeds him from a bottle.
Danylo is approached by his son. I mean, he seems like the most caring father in the world. His eyes are shining, and the smile doesn’t disappear from his face. Now, when we are sitting opposite each other, I notice that he’s had a haircut. His hair is much shorter now, but it suits him just the same.
Timothey, who is now in his father's arms, looks like a doll compared to Danylo's body. I catch myself thinking that my heart doesn't hurt as much as before the meeting. Maybe I needed it. I needed to see and make sure that Danylo is not my superman, and he will not save me.
I myself must get out of this abyss that I fell into three years ago.
Breathing becomes easier, I straighten my shoulders and smile.
"Do you want to hold Timothey?" Danylo offers, and I hesitate for a moment, and then I get up and sit next to him.
I take little Timothey in my arms and hold my breath. It's the best feeling in the world. I have never experienced anything like this, and I really want to experience it again.
If someone were to look at us from the side now, they would think that we are a young couple who are leaning on each other, looking at our child with loving eyes. But the realities of this world are such that his wife is waiting for him at home, and I have a cold bed waiting for me.
I return to my place, and Danylo puts Timothey in the pram. We order and return to our conversations.
"I started going to a therapist," I confess.
"Why?" Danylo says in surprise, looking intently into my face.
"I want to try to move on."
"Didn't Louis become your reason to move on?" No.
Although maybe Louis, but most likely Danylo became the factor that made me move on.
"Do you like him?" He asks unexpectedly.
"What?" I raise my eyebrows. "No, Danylo, he is like an older brother to me."
"I'm just asking," Danylo puts his hands up. "I'm glad you're moving on, really, and it doesn't matter who's the reason." You.
You are always the reason for everything in my life.
"I'm glad too," I smile.
Someone calls Danylo, and he picks up the phone, from the conversation it’s not difficult to guess who he is talking to:
"What happened, Zlata?" the smile slowly disappears from his face.
"Okay, I'll come now," he says quickly and hangs up.
"I'm sorry, darley," he now looks at me with guilt-filled eyes.
"It's okay," I retreat, not giving him the opportunity to explain the reason. Zlata needs him, so he has every right to go to his wife now. "We will meet again, I was glad to see you." "Yes, and I was glad to see you," I smile.
I looked into his eyes and saw the universe. That immeasurable space, which I always wanted to reach. This five metre distance between us seemed like an eternity. I wanted to become one with him, but I knew that it would not happen. Neither today nor tomorrow, he’ll never belong to me. Neither today, nor tomorrow, he’ll never become my universe.
We left the café, where different paths were already waiting for us.