Chapter 14
Gabriella
“Sit,” Rachel demanded, shoving me into one of the booths.
“Doesn’t feel like I have much choice,” I muttered back, shuffling over to the far side.
“Shut up,” she snapped at me before walking over to the bar and grabbing a bottle. “I’m doing this for your own good,” she called over her shoulder.
“My own good,” I scoffed when she came back over. “You’re doing this because I wouldn’t drink with you. Because I wouldn’t treat you like royalty and kiss your ass like the rest of the old ladies.”
“I’m doing this because you have a stick up your ass and need to learn to lighten up,” she snapped back, slamming the bottle and glasses on the table.
“You know who you remind me of?”
“Enlighten me,” she drawled sarcastically.
“Kitty,” I said, meeting her eyes, my voice firm.
Rachel sucked in a sharp breath.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Kitty would have ordered you to be banned. I tried to offer you friendship. And unlike Kitty, if I want you out of here, you’d be out on your ass in a second, and there’s nothing Vienna would be able to do to stop it.”
“You think you have that much of a voice?” I asked, already knowing that she did, but not wanting to back down so easily.
Rachel laughed.
“Oh, honey. I know I have that much of a voice. Because as much as I get on his nerves, Dante knows I have the club’s best interests at heart.
All of them. Kitty had herself and her immediate family on her mind.
I think of the greater impact. Luckily for you, I don’t want you thrown out on your ass. ”
She took a deep intake of breath and seemed to shake off my words, offering me a sickly sweet smile.
“Now, there are a few ways this can go,” she told me. “We can leave this booth with years of pent-up resentment making us hate each other. And that’s fine by me. You’ve seen for yourself. I’ve got my ladies. I’m good. I don’t need more friendships, nor do I particularly want them.”
“What’s the other choice?”
“We can drink, we can talk, and we can leave this booth not quite friends, but with a solid foundation to work with. Your choice, Gabriella.”
She finally took the seat opposite me and looked at me with raised eyebrows.
My mouth all but dropped open. The nerve of this woman!
“I’m confused here. What could you possibly have to resent me for?” I asked.
“The same things you resent me for—pain. You hurt one of my favourite people in the entire world. And I know,” she said as I opened my mouth.
“I know it’s not entirely your fault. But the hurt is there all the same.
I had to watch as night after night he drank himself that one step closer to death.
I had to watch as he internally destroyed himself and pined after a woman he had lost years ago. ”
“That’s unfair. I—”
“I just said I know, didn’t I? But feelings are irrational.
In my eyes, you hurt my friend. And you did hurt him, Gabriella.
Deeply. And I’m not saying that to upset you.
I’m telling you it as a fact. He may look fine, but there’s more to Vienna than meets the eye, and he’s hiding a lot.
I’m just giving you an opportunity to tell me your side of the story and to work with me so that my feelings can start looking at you as someone we can be nice towards and not someone we want to behead. ”
She gave me a small smile to show me she was joking.
Kind of.
“And vodka is going to help with this, is it?” I asked, not wanting to concentrate too much on what she had just said.
“Dante once did it for me. When I first arrived here… well, we hated each other. Dante came up with a way for us to connect. We each reveal something about ourselves, and then we take a drink. You can go first,” she said, pouring me a hefty shot.
“This is ridiculous.”
“Fine. I’ll go first. Your club murdered our ex-president. Which then forced Dante into presidency, which led to the loss of lives and almost ruined our relationship. I kind of hate you for that.”
She threw her drink back and slammed it on the table.
“Wow,” I breathed. “You’re going in hard there, aren’t you?”
“Go big or go home. Your turn,” she challenged, pouring me a drink.
I met her steely gaze with my own and accepted her challenge.
“I watched you shoot my brother. I kind of hate you for that.”
I threw the drink back.
Rachel watched me as I hissed past the burn of the vodka and then nodded.
“You’re right. I did kill Damien. And I’d do it again.
You know the rules, Gabby. You ambushed our club.
My daughter was on these grounds. You turned Macbeth against us and encouraged the arson attack that burned Bee.
I may have killed Damien, but let’s not pretend there wasn’t a series of events that led to that.
And if I hadn’t killed him, he would have shot Vienna. Or are we forgetting that?”
“I—”
“You had your gun aimed at me, Gabby. You were ready to shoot me because you wanted to punish Dante for your dad’s death.
I get that. But had Vienna not stopped you, I’d be long dead.
By your hand. And your brother came running over to attack Vienna, and I acted on instinct.
I didn’t know it was your brother—not that I would have stopped if I did know—but it’s not as black and white as simply saying I killed Damien. ”
She was right.
I fucking hated that she was right.
But holding on to that grudge had made it easier for me to process Damien’s death, rather than taking the blame for encouraging a reckless attack we had no chance of winning.
I grabbed the vodka and gulped straight from the bottle, hissing when the liquid burned my throat.
“Never as good as you think it’s going to be, is it?” Rachel chuckled.
I didn’t say anything after that. Mainly because I didn’t want her to know that my thoughts were shifting.
“Gabby… talk to me. We were forced to be enemies, but I am not here to make things difficult for you.”
“I know that,” I said. “I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just hate you—all of you. But I know it’s not as black and white as that. I know you’re right. That doesn’t make it any easier, though.”
“I know. And I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, especially with your history with this club. But you have a friend in me, Gabby. I can promise you that.”
“I’m not you, Rachel.”
“I know you’re not. And I’m not asking you to be. No one wants another me, I assure you,” she laughed. “You’re enough exactly as you are.”
“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” I sighed, taking another drink to fend off the tears that were threatening to spill.
“What makes you say that?”
“Look at me,” I half-laughed, half-scoffed. “I’m not the girl I used to be.”
“Thank God for that. I’d hate to be the same woman I was a few years back, never mind the teenager I used to be.”
“It’s not just that. I don’t want to go back to that person. I just… I don’t know who I’m supposed to be now.”
“So you’ve lost yourself,” Rachel shrugged as though it was no big deal. “Who cares? Now you get to find yourself again. The real you. The person you want to be. And it’s scary. But it’s so fucking worth it.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” I scoffed. “You found yourself with the support of the president and the entire club behind you.”
Rachel narrowed her eyes to slits, her fingers drumming on the table as she weighed up her next words. Then she took the bottle from my hands, took a huge swig, and glared at me.
“Did you know I was groomed?” she asked casually.
“Excuse me?”
What the fuck was wrong with her? You don’t casually drop something that huge into the conversation without warning!
“When I met Dante, I was actually living in America, on the run from the family of the man I killed. My dad was in prison for it because he took the blame. My dad is here, actually. Divorce. You remember him from yesterday?”
The man with the coffee who had calmed my nerves. I remembered.
“Yeah. How did that happen? He wasn’t born a biker, no?”
It was almost unheard of for someone of her dad’s age to join a biker gang. You initiated when you were young. It’s just the way it was.
“It’s a long story. But my dad couldn’t see me rot in prison.
He and my mum weren’t aware of a lot of things that happened to me—I did my best to hide it from them.
When he went to prison, I went to America for a fresh start.
I was back in England on holiday with the family I au-paired for, and that’s when Dante found me. ”
And kidnapped her.
I knew that story.
“When I tried to escape Dante, he burned my mother’s house to the ground.
When I tried to escape again, Vienna stabbed me in the neck with a sedative and helped steal my son.
Dante once sexually abused me in front of Vienna, Shark and Hacksaw.
And none of them did anything to stop it.
And then, he stood me in front of his entire club and allowed them to hurl abuse at me one after the other.
And then, do you know how he got me to stay? ”
I shook my head in stunned silence.
“He trapped me into a contract. He had compiled enough evidence that would have seen me thrown in jail and my kids taken away from me forever. So this perception you have of me, this belief that you have that the entire club has supported me? It couldn’t be further from the truth.
I have had to fight every day for my acceptance here.
But they do accept me. They love me. Each and every one of them in their own way.
And if they can forgive me my sins, they can forgive you yours. ”
“I had no idea,” I said, shaking my head.
“It’s hardly something we go around announcing.
But it is our history. It’s messy, it’s complicated, and it’s one hell of a toxic ride, but it’s ours.
And there are reminders of that every day.
Bee even has a snake called Rachel. Dante has my bite mark tattooed on him to remind him that I’m a bitch.
I haven’t always been the darling of the club, you know. ”
“But you didn’t do what I did.”
“No. I didn’t. But my choices were my own. I get the feeling a lot of yours weren’t.”
“I aborted his baby, Rachel. And then allowed my dad to throw the remains at him like they were trash.”
I couldn’t escape the tears any longer. They slipped down my cheeks freely, silently.
“And that’s awful. But you were a victim, Gabby, just as much as Vienna was. And I can assure you, I’ll remind the thick cunts in this club every single day about that. It’s easy for them to forget when they see Vienna every day, when all they know is his pain. I’m on your side, too.”
“I just don’t know if I have the strength to fight them every day.”
Rachel laughed then.
Really laughed.
“How is that funny?”
“You think you don’t have strength?”
“I know I don’t. You have strength. You walk into a room and command everyone’s attention.
I know because I used to do the same. I recognise that quality because it’s the same one I used to wear as my daily armour against all the bastards my dad commanded.
But now? Now I hide in the corner and pray no one notices me. I choose silence.”
“I walk into a room and command attention because I’m a fucking bitch,” Rachel shrugged, taking another drink.
I looked at her in shock.
“What?” she laughed. “I know what I am. I come out fighting because I would rather everyone fear me than ever give me the opportunity to fear them. You see me yelling, fighting, standing up for myself… but that’s not strength, Gabby. That’s me being afraid.”
I scoffed and snatched the bottle.
“Sure it is,” I said, taking a massive swig, no longer noticing the burn.
“Believe what you want. You’re mistaking strength for suppression.
It’s not strong to keep everyone at arm’s length your entire life.
It’s not strong to immediately go on the defence.
And it’s not strong to argue with everyone the second you meet them.
Those are not qualities I’d associate with strength.
But I do those things because I am suppressing my fears.
I am fighting because I’m scared if I don’t, then I will lose everything. ”
“Please,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. “Dante would never let you go. And with him by your side, you’re losing nothing.”
“Also true,” she smiled. “But that doesn’t change the habit of a lifetime, does it?
The truth doesn’t always beat the insecurities up here,” she said, tapping her temples.
“You forget, it’s only really been around a year that me and Dante have been settled.
This club moves on quickly, and they accepted me once they knew I was permanent.
But there was a time that wasn’t the case. ”
“But while you’re arguing, whilst you’re fighting, you’re feeling something,” I sighed. “Unlike me, who can’t feel a thing.”
“Really? Because I saw the way you and Vienna looked at each other this morning. It damn sure looked like you were feeling something then.”
My cheeks flamed.
“You’re numb, Gabby. Not defeated.”
And then, without warning, she reached over the table and snatched my wrist.
“See this?” she asked, gently rubbing her thumb over the scars there.
“That’s strength, Gabriella. You’ve lived with unimaginable pain, and you’re wearing your scars as a sign of survival.
Look,” she said, shrugging one arm out of her Sin cut and showing me the vertical scar up her arm.
“I know your pain because I lived the same life as you. No matter how you’re processing it, whether you’re fiery, silent, loud, or withdrawn, it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you’re surviving the only way you know how.
Life has no guidebook. No rules. Every day you wake up and choose to continue, despite the pain ripping you apart, makes you a goddamn warrior.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.
Silence isn’t weakness, just like loudness isn’t strength.
Our strength is here,” she said, stroking my scars again. “And here.”
She reached over and tapped my temples.
“And here,” she said finally, tapping my chest, mimicking my heartbeat.
“And I assure you, when the numbness has gone, and the pain kicks back in, and the little girl inside you starts speaking again, demanding justice, you’ll find your fight.
Whatever form that takes, whether it be fiery, silent and calculating, or even bitter and spiteful, I’ll be there to help you. I promise.”
She reached over and held my hand, and I looked at her and smiled.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it,” she winked.
And then she grabbed the bottle and poured us a shot each.
“Right. Get this down you. Because if I know those men, they’re gonna come out of that meeting wanting a drink. And I’m in my spiteful era. Let’s have this place dry before they arrive. Cheers.”
I clinked my glass against hers, laughing freely for the first time since I’d arrived.