30. Look at Me – Rosemary
Look at Me
ROSEMARY
My body hummed with the remnants of our love making, tender and sore in all the right places.
My mind spun with his confession and its implications.
He loved me, had always loved me, yet we'd known each other for just a week.
I stared at him, trying to catch my breath, drawn to the softness in those piercing gray eyes.
He meant what he said, but as I struggled to recall the past, a familiar ache flared behind my eyes, and my mind went blank.
I wanted to ask him how. How could he love me when he barely knew me? How could I love him in such a short time? Instead, I pulled away, lowering myself from his waist and dropping my attention to the forest floor.
It was a war zone. The unaki lay still only a few feet away, its life's blood pouring from a gaping wound in its chest. Blood and the broken remnants of my pack lay scattered across the ground.
My dress lay in tatters, and what fabric did remain intact was blood stained.
My second dress had been in my pack, and as my gaze swept the area, I realized that one wasn't in any better shape.
My arms wrapped around my chest as my attention settled onto the torn petals of the daemonacus. None of it was salvageable.
With slow steps, I dropped to my knees next to the tattered remains of my hope.
I sniffled, not caring to hide the tears that slipped from my eyes and down my cheeks.
I failed Briar. Again. My fingers shook as I pulled the broken pieces toward me, creating a tiny pile.
It was useless. None of this held enough potential to break a curse that had remained steadfast for over a century.
Elias gathered what little remained from the earth, but it was scarcely anything at all.
Every vial I had so carefully packed lay in jagged ruin.
The two journals, weatherworn and full of my notes, my hopes, both torn and soaked through.
Everything we had collected along our winding path through wood and weather.
All of it. Gone. My chest heaved with quiet sobs as he sifted through the wreckage, fingers brushing past broken glass and wilted herbs, searching for something, anything, that might still be whole.
“Wait,” Elias breathed, suddenly kneeling beside me. “There’s one left.”
I stood rigid, remembering that although Elias and I had made love again—and he had confessed his love—he still hadn’t told me about his ability to turn into a crow. That he was the one who was cursed.
He pressed a small, round bottle into my palms, the last survivor of the storm.
A thin thread of deep red swirled inside like wine left too long in the sun.
I stared at it for a moment before a laugh, sharp and hollow, broke from my throat.
I met his gaze with a shake of my head, the corners of my mouth tugging into something that wasn’t quite a smile.
“That one’s useless,” I murmured. “Just a tonic meant to boost energy. One of my many failed attempts to wake my sister.” A single tear slipped down my cheek. “It does work wonders on a hangover, though.”
My fingers loosened. The bottle rolled from my hand and into the crushed grass, joining the scattered remains of everything I’d carried, everything I’d clung to.
"We’ll find another way," Elias promised, his words spoken into my hair as his warmth enveloped me.
"There is no other way," I replied between sobs. I glanced toward the tattered remains of my clothing, lifting a hand to point out the state of things. "I don't even have anything left to wear."
Everything was lost. My belongings. My hope. My purpose. I couldn't look at Elias as I remained tucked beneath his chin.
"I can fix at least one of those problems," he said, his fingers slipping down my arms until he dug them into the damp earth.
The electric feel of magic in the air crackled around us, but I didn't move.
Warmth grazed across my skin, smooth as silk, and as I glanced down at myself, my eyes widened at the soft, brown dress that hugged my form.
So thin that it felt as if I were wearing air.
I pulled away from Elias as I stood, twisting my hips to see the skirts swish.
When I glanced back at him again, he wore simple brown clothing as well.
"How?" I asked, my fingers roaming over the fabric. It felt soft to my fingertips, but also firm enough to protect against the slight chill in the air.
"The fae have always been able to call upon nature."
"Yes, but you're unseelie. You shouldn't be able to wield her in such a way," I interrupted, watching him closely.
"Also, true. A long time ago, I made a pact with a seelie though.
I did not know at the time what that would mean in the future, but I realized several years later that it bettered my relationship with nature," he explained, his fingers combing through his hair, pushing it off his brow.
As he did so, he caught sight of the veins along the back of his hand, slightly darker now, even after they had all nearly returned back to normal.
“It costs me a slight price, but I’ve never had an issue with bearing it.
"Here," he added, holding out one of my burlap pouches. "This looks intact still."
It was empty, but I filled it with the tiny hill of broken flower pieces I'd collected. I knew it probably wouldn't be enough for Briar, but I couldn't bring myself to give up. If I did, that would mean I hadn't just failed Briar… it would mean I'd failed our people.
I opened my mouth to ask, to demand he explain himself, “Elias—”
Elias tensed, moving quickly as he shielded my body.
The bushes behind me rustled, and my breath caught in my throat as I twisted. Elias stepped in front of me, his attention rooted to the disturbance. My hand went to my thigh to where my dagger should be, but found nothing. I'd forgotten my blade in the battle.
There was no enemy to fight though. Just a small rabbit with gray fur darting through the bushes and racing past us.
My eyes caught on the bushy white tail until it disappeared.
Then I searched for my blade. My lower lip trembled as my fingers took what felt like an eternity to place my dagger into the sheath at my hip.
Then I collapsed to my knees again, the moistened earth dampening the fabric of my new dress, my earlier concerns forgotten as everything crashed down on me at once.
I felt everything.
Every year of loneliness as I'd scoured books and folktales on cures for slumbering illnesses.
Every failure I'd faced trying to save my sister.
Every lost memory trapped within my mind.
Every lost minute with Briar opened within me like the deepest void.
Broken promises to my parents. Lost loves.
Every failed healing. I felt it all, and it was too much.
I didn't know how long I sat there, my open palms in my lap while I stared off into the distance.
My heart felt raw, as if it had been dragged down a washboard repeatedly until only scraps remained.
Every feeling exploded against me until a blissful numbness crept over my skin like the bone-white icy fingers of death.
Elias called out, his hands gently cradling my face, pleading for my attention.
His voice seemed distant, his grasp weak.
I struggled to comprehend his words about missing me and living in shadows, believing he'd lost me forever.
Nothing he said made sense. As I delved into my memories, seeking clarity, all I found was lingering pain shrouded in the fog of my mind.
My fingers slipped from my lap, and my gaze blurred and fixed on the emptiness beyond.
I dug my nails into the soil, inhaling the fresh pine-scented air.
Elias stayed beside me, a steady presence as I descended into the torment I had created.
I couldn't focus on him or his words, only the sharp pain spreading through my chest with each breath.
Suddenly, I struggled to breathe. My breaths heaved from me. I gasped. I couldn't breathe.
I had failed. I’d failed Briar, our people, our mother.
"Rosie, look at me. Please look at me. Stop this! You are giving yourself to the land. You have to stop this. Please! Look at me, princess. Look at me!"
His voice held an urgency I hadn't heard from him before. I turned toward him, my gaze blurred. I blinked, unable to focus on him fully.
Something stirred deep within me as his voice cracked with desperation.
The words he spoke felt heavy with a significance I couldn't grasp, like trying to remember a dream that kept slipping away.
There was a finality to his tone that made my heart race, as if speaking those words aloud would change everything between us, break something that had been carefully held in place.
"See me. I cannot live without you. You are the other half of my soul, Rosie. I need you. Do not do this. Please, Rosie, look at me!"
His fingers gripped the sides of my face.
The tip of his nose pressed into mine. His wide-eyed stare held a terror within those gray depths.
He shook me once, begging me to listen to him, but I just blinked.
I didn't want to feel again. I didn't want to feel ever again.
His hands dropped from my face, and he pressed his fingers into the dirt next to mine.
"I’ll go with you then," he said, and the taste of magic sprang across my tongue. "I’d hoped we’d have more time together before we moved onto the next life, but I’ll go with you."
My body jolted at his words, and my hands lifted from the dirt. I pulled his hands into my palms and blinked back the haziness. My tears streamed freely from my eyes as my fingers tightened around his hands.
"Why? Why would you threaten to go with me?" I asked between sniffles.
"Is it not obvious? Do you not feel it? Can you not remember—” he said, but then snapped his lips closed as he studied me.
The unfinished question hung between us like a physical thing.
His eyes searched my face with such longing, such pain, that it made my chest ache.
Whatever he wanted me to remember felt crucial, life-altering, but every time I reached for it, my mind hit a wall.
The frustration of it was almost unbearable, like having the answer to everything just beyond my fingertips.
I cocked a brow, curious. "I… I…" I tried to form words, but I didn't know what I wanted to say, and my entire being felt so weak from what I'd just done. I hadn't intended to give myself to the land, but everything had become so overwhelming that I had acted without thought.
"I know it feels as though all is lost right now, but it’s not," Elias said, pausing and tilting his head until he peered into my eyes with a devastating rawness that captivated me. "When that day does come, though, know this: you will not leave this world without me."
Shaking my head, I asked, "Why? Why would you do that?"
Anger flared hot within my chest. How dare he make my moment of hurt, of pain, of loss, of almost losing control of everything in my life about him? I stood up on shaky legs and stormed away, not bothering to wait for an answer. He followed me, and I turned on him.
"How dare you turn my pain against me!" I accused, my finger jabbing at his chest with each word.
Elias smirked, which only infuriated me more. "There’s my princess. Have I told you how much I love you when you’re angry with me?"
His declaration made my blood simmer, but I paused, tilting my head as I regarded him.
"You've mentioned a few times how my threats excite you.
" I tightened my hands into fists and stormed forward, battering his chest as I growled out between my teeth, "It isn't nice to get off on other people's pain!”
He took several of the punches before easily capturing my fists and spinning me away from him.
The movement was too quick, and I lost my balance.
I fell into his arms and we both hit the dirt with a thump.
Within a second, my dagger was tipped toward the edge of his mouth.
"I'm going to cut that smirk right off your stupid, pretty, little face! "
Elias didn't stop smiling as he lay beneath me. "Oh, you say such mean things when you get angry. You love this smirk. So unless you’re going to cut it off to keep as a token, perhaps you can put it away?"
With an agitated groan, I scrambled off him and stood, dusting the dirt and leaves from my dress as he moved to do the same.
Then, as I stared at Elias, his gaze slipped from mine, lifting to something over my shoulder. His entire body went rigid, and fear tightened its fist around my heart.
"Well," a voice behind me mocked, "isn't this just precious?"