11. Sophia
11
Sophia
Entering the pits feels a little easier after talking with Javi. He heads towards his leather suit to change while I am greeted by Rayna and her luminousness.
“All good?” Rayna asks, caringly.
“Yeah,” I pause, “getting there.”
“It will take time. You’re doing a great job. Be kind to yourself,” Rayna encourages.
“I guess I am over feeling so numb. I don’t feel anything anymore.” I shrug.
Rayna motions for us to leave the box, walking with me out the back of the pits where there are fewer people and less commotion.
“I felt like that for a long time after Wesley passed away. I couldn’t pull myself out of the mud. I felt like I should have felt something. But when he was involved in the accident, it was so sudden, it didn’t feel real for so long. I would be looking after Louie and think, Wes is just away on business. He’ll be home soon . Even coming back here, I was expecting to feel something . Anything. Being on my own to lead the team without him standing next to me anymore was my new reality. But it doesn’t mean we don’t love or miss them any less.” She places a hand on my shoulder. “Take as long as you need. Do whatever you need to do. We are all here for you. I’m always here for you.”
“Thank you, Rayna.” I smile back at her. She is amazingly supportive, hangs back to let us all do our jobs, but also going to each person and offering her guidance when needed. Rayna and Wes’ relationship was something of legends across the sport. Madly in love with each other, founded a racing team, and had hard working success over the years. Wes passed away over ten years ago when they were in their thirties. A joy ride on his motorcycle. A driver ran a red and took him out.
I debate talking to her more about my fears with Perry and the rumours in the paddock. It feels so stupid to be worrying about it, but I feel like I am already the laughingstock of the season. And we are only in pre-season. I can’t get comfortable talking to anyone outside of the pit.
“Shall we get back in there?” Rayna asks.
“Sure,” is the only reply with.
The rest of the day progresses. I still keep to myself, but feel a little more connected than I have for a while. I even stop using my laptop as a shield and observe the team, watching what they are working on.
The shuttle bus arrives to take the team back to the hotel. However, I opt to stay back to do some more work on my own with the bikes that are cleared by the team, continuing their work and tinkering around for improvements. Maybe this will be a good distraction.