18. Sophia
18
Sophia
June – One Raceway, New South Wales
Surveying the data readings on our pit monitors as Javi is out on track is my happy place. Data is easy. I can make sense of data. It’s clear, and doesn’t get me in trouble or second guessing everything I have put in place to keep the people around respecting me. Dating in the paddock is not a light decision to be made. Yes, people do it, but I don’t think it’s for me. Perry was different because he wasn’t part of this sport.
Even if I was ready to see someone, which I really don’t think I am, seeing a rider is not the smartest choice I can make. Plus, I need to take time for myself, right? Isn’t that what all those rom-com movies are about?
How long do I wait after a relationship before seeing someone out amongst people? No, I can’t think that. I am still broken; I can’t see anyone until I have worked out what’s swirling around in my head.
I have been making progress within myself, but I still feel guilty. I’ve been seeing an online therapist recently. We have been doing online calls, and she’s helped a lot. We’ve been doing a lot of work in dealing with Mum’s death, but also working on the Perry rejection. It’s not right to be entertaining thoughts with Javi before I am feeling better within myself.
“Sophia?” Rayna’s concerned face cuts into my trance on the monitors and my spinning thoughts.
“Rayna!” I reply with a smile to mask my distraction.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Yeah, just focusing on the monitors.” I point up to the monitors, which I now realise are blank.
Shit .
“Let’s walk.” She gestures to follow her and I take her up on the offer.
We make our way to the back of the pit and walk aimlessly.
“How have you been doing the last few weeks since the last time we caught up?” Rayna asks, her caring hand on my back.
“Actually, pretty good. You caught me in the middle of thinking about some of my therapy sessions and where I am at.” Rayna is a safe place, and no one can help spilling their heart out to her. “I have a ways to go, but I feel like I am slowly getting there and getting things together.”
“I’m really glad to hear that, Sophia. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, okay? I am always here for you. I also understand where you are coming from and what you are working towards overcoming,” Rayna says, squeezing my shoulder before dropping her arm to her side.
“Thanks, Rayna. I appreciate it.” I really do appreciate her support, knowing it’s coming from a place of love and experience in the same situation.
“You should be really proud of the work you have been doing so far in this new role while dealing with everything else. I have been really impressed with how you handle yourself, and I can see your confidence in the role is getting there. Micah has nothing but rave reviews on how you are adapting and improving your knowledge and skills,” she praises. “Would you be interested in leading a new project?”
Surprise and pride flood over me. “I would love to. What do you have in mind?”
She nods. “I’d like for you to look into our motocross development. I have heard that you used to be involved competitively at the Nationals-level and eventually moved over to the mechanical side. It’s not a quick project. There’s a bunch of pre-lim research and development work to be done, but I think you will be the best fit. You’ll be paid for the work you do on the project, and you can bring in whoever you want from our team to help when needed. I’m leaving it up to you, just wanting updates along the way when you get some progression. I can organise for the equipment to be set up and ready to go at the next track in Bathurst, so you can head there and work over the mid-season break. I have a motorhome that you can use as it has a customised area to travel with bikes and equipment and then you're able to take the bikes to the MudPit motocross course. How do you feel about that?”
“I would love to do that! Thanks for the opportunity!” I reply.
Taking advantage of the lull in work, we walk towards the motorhomes and trailers area behind the pit boxes where Rayna shows me which motorhome I’ll have access to, handing me the key to it.
“I’ll get on the horn now, organising your access with them and authorising you to stay on track. I’ll also organise with MudPit—you’ll be doing testing at their courses eventually—so they are ready to go when you are.” She pulls out her phone as I can see her mentally listing everything she needs to do to set me up for this. “I’ll confirm everything via email as soon as I’m all done,” she says before taking off to complete her mission.
And right on fucking cue, out walks Javi, his leather suit unzipped, hanging down around his waist. His black, tattooed arms are a stark contrast against the brilliant white of the tight tank, which does nothing but stick slick to every muscle on his torso. His hair a mix between flat and scuffed up by his hand, trying to rescue the helmet hair. My mouth goes dry, but I quickly recover my gaping mouth, thankful Rayna is not here to see my reaction.
I can’t look him in the face. It’s been a few days since our sexting, and every time I look at him, I can only see the messages he sent me and the meaning behind them. I mean, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about me for months? What do I do with that information? I can’t act on it, but I did encourage it. He had been so nice and supportive at the MudPit event. I faulted.
“Heading for some lunch?” he asks me.
“That’s okay, I’m…” I start, but I can’t finish the sentence once I lock eyes with Javi. How does he have this control over me?
“In the mood for just a coffee?” Javi asks, a little hopeful.
Damn. A coffee is always a good idea, and I am a cup down from my daily quota. Okay, act confident.
“Sure,” I reply and head towards him. “Just a coffee, and then I have to head back to the pit.”
“It’s a date.” The smirk he gives sends sparks down to my stomach, and I hope the flush doesn’t show on my face.
Instead, I roll my eyes at him and continue walking without him. “You coming, cupcake?”
I hear him jog after me. “Cupcake?! You’ve been talking to Riley?!”
Laughing, I reply, “He let the nickname slip at the MudPit event when you went to the bathroom. Gotta say, I like it. Would you like us to get some cupcake decals for your bike? I’m sure the Design Team could get some tasty-looking ones.”
“Riley, that fucking ass. You eat one pink, overloaded damn cupcake on TV, and you’re scarred for life,” he curses, shaking his head with a smile.
We walk silently for a few minutes, our arms brushing every few strides.
“I had fun over the phone the other night,” he whispers, looking at me.
My breath catches at the memory of what his words did to me. My mind is a swirling vortex of mixed feelings and confused thoughts. A damn mindfuck of should I or shouldn’t I allow myself to be with him.
“Yeah, it was…different. I’ve never done something like that before,” I reply, eyes down to the ground. “I’m guessing you do that all the time?” I half-tease.
As people pass by, he takes the disguise of giving them more space to walk by us as an opportunity to lean in closer to me. His chest is to my shoulder while his hand is on my lower back. He whispers down my neck, “I’ve never done anything like that before, either. You brought that out of me, ace.”
My breath hitches.
He moves back to walking by my side as we reach the hospitality tent, and gestures for me to go in first. I stare at him as I enter the tent, and it feels like we’re in slow motion. Our eyes lock, and I can’t breathe. My chest is tight as his eyes pierce so deeply into mine. My legs finally decide to move at a regular pace, and I head into the tent. How does he have this effect on me? It’s just a look.
I go straight for the coffee, and he is by my side in a moment, his warmth up against my side.
“Okay, I got my coffee. See you back in the pit,” I rush to say so I am not stuck talking to him again. I am sure it would be fine. There are witnesses here, but I can’t. I need to focus and stay on task.
Javi is a little startled, but recovers quickly. “Ditching me so quickly?” He picks up a take-away sandwich and a coffee before looking back at me. “Lead the way, gorgeous.”
What is happening?
Without talking, I start heading out again.
“I must have really pressed your buttons that night,” he muses.
“You didn’t. I just have a lot on my plate,” I reply, which is true now that I have agreed to this motocross project to focus on.
We walk in silence for several moments until Javi breaks. “Sorry if the texts made things weirder.”
“It didn’t, I just…” I dial down my pace to a dawdle, “I need to make sure I am making the right choices. And getting involved with my rider isn’t the choice I should be making. I shouldn’t have pushed the line that night. That’s on me. It was a moment of weakness.”
We have stopped now and are facing each other. I am glad his hands are full and won’t tempt me by embracing or touching me.
What am I thinking? I can’t give him false hope. It’s not fair.
“You didn’t push anything. I shouldn’t have started it,” he replies. “But I don’t regret what I said. I am here when you are ready, okay?”
“I can’t have you holding out in case I am ready,” I whine. This is not what I want to hear from him. This makes me feel even worse.
“I had a personal goal not to see anyone so I could focus on the championship. This works for me,” he says, but his voice and face doesn’t hide the disappointment he’s trying to mask.
I glare around to see no one around but us. “Follow me.”
We walk a few metres to the motorhome Rayna had just shown me that I can borrow for the motocross project.
We enter the motorhome, and Javi is clearly confused. I am not going to bother explaining why I have a key to a motorhome right now.
“Fancy.” He looks around the motorhome, placing his sandwich and coffee down on the closest surface.
Doing the same with my coffee, I watch him and say, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
The honest admission takes him by surprise as he whips his head over to me. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t forget what you said that night, and I can’t believe my own words when I keep trying to tell myself logically that this…” The emotions swirl up and my voice chokes.
“Us?” he prompts.
“Yes, us.” I take a breath. “That we shouldn’t do this. It wouldn’t be part of either of our plans.”
He steps in, putting his hand on the side of my face. My senses are overtaken by his presence, his vibration. The scent of leather and watermelon is overwhelming.
“To hell with plans, Sophia,” he breathes before pressing his lips hard against mine.
All the logic and planned conversations I had prepped myself with fly out of my head as I feel his hands move to wrap around my waist. My hands reach for his chest, gripping the material. He deepens the kissing, and I feel like I am melting against his hard body. My head is swimming in the mangled remnants of what I should be doing, what I am allowing myself to do, which is get swept up by Javi.
Dispersed between kissing, I say, “How about we keep this between us. No pressure on ourselves and no one in our business? See where this goes.”
“Whatever you want,” he replies between kisses.
“Okay, we should probably stop now, because if we keep going, I am not going to be able to stop and leave this place,” I say. Instead, he makes his way down, nibbling and kissing my neck as I try to breathe properly.
“Oooorrrrr, we can stay here and have some fun? Make the sexting come to life? No threat of Riley bursting in to interrupt us again.” I can feel his smirk against my neck as I feel one of his hands make their way down to my ass, pressing me against his hard cock.
Moaning at the thought, I let my logical brain take over. We have been away from the pit for enough time and the team will be ready for Javi to continue testing. “The team will be looking for you very soon. How about you come to my hotel tonight?”
He sinks his teeth slightly against my neck’s pulse point and I moan again. “I can do that,” he replies. He lifts his head to look into my eyes, leaning down and kissing me again. This time, it isn’t as urgent as it was before, now satisfied with the agreement of a rendezvous tonight.
We reluctantly separate and fix up our clothing, pick up our cold coffees and sandwich, and head towards the pit with smug smiles across our faces.