Zoya #2
“Exactly. Long as my child is safe… none of you have the right to speak on my business!” she snapped.
“First, we never said anything. Second, you answering the phone like that says all I need to know. If you don’t believe you involved in some Ponzi scheme cult, that’s on you, Boo,” Kobe spoke, never the one to hold back.
“We’re friends and they are helping me take the holistic route for my condition,” she tried to explain, realizing that she came at us crazy.
“Your condition has a name. You are bipolar, Skyler. This isn’t a skin condition where you can slap some leaves on and it gets better. This is a mental disease that you need the proper medication to treat,” Kobe replied.
Skyler rolled her eyes. “I don’t need to be on that medication… not everything they prescribe is good for you. Alana told me that she hasn’t been on medication for years and she’s fine.”
“Not answering the phone Grand Rising she’s not,” Stevie muttered.
Kobe was usually the one who kept things lighthearted and fun. I had never seen him become so serious about something. Skyler was brushing it off like it was no big deal, but he was very serious about everything he was telling her.
“This is how I know neither of you are fine. If she’s going against your doctor’s advice, then she’s not fine. If you don’t give a fuck about yourself, then think about your child and what this could do to her.”
Skyler stood up. “Why the fuck are you so bothered about my business?”
“Cause my sister took her life from an untreated mental disease. She thought she had it under control and it took control of her, causing her to take her own life!” he raised his voice, leaning forward.
I rubbed his back. “I’m so sorry, Kobe.”
He abandoned the couch and walked over toward the windows. “She put a fucking gun in her mouth and blew her brains out. The voices were too loud. So, no, you cannot fix this by drinking tea and waving fucking leaves in the sky, Skyler.”
Skyler grew quiet, as we all did. I didn’t expect for him to share that piece of him with us.
I had no clue that he had experienced something so traumatic in his personal life.
I was the first to admit that I didn’t know much about Kobe’s life.
Other than him being Havoc’s best friend and extra as hell, there wasn’t much I knew about the innerworkings of his personal life.
“Can we switch the subject?” Skyler asked.
Stevie yawned. “I think I’m going to try to get some rest while he’s finally asleep.”
I carefully handed her Dennis, as she carried him up the steps to her bedroom.
With Stevie going to lay down, Skyler could sense Kobe wasn’t done with her. She quickly snatched her phone up and headed towards the sunroom.
“Her problem is that she never had anyone be honest with her. This isn’t something she should be pushing under the rug. If she doesn’t tell Corleon, then I will.”
“Not our business,” Syn reminded him.
“Raising a child while she’s in a battle with her mental is our business. Corleon doesn’t know and she doesn’t seem like she is trying to tell him.”
Skyler’s secret wasn’t mine to speak on. I could understand why Don remained quiet once he found out about my biological mother. I found myself in the same situation because I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell.
“Are you really going to tell Corleon?”
“If she doesn’t tell him then I have no other choice. She’s raising that little girl while being unstable as hell. I can’t sit here and say she wouldn’t harm her child because I don’t know, Zoya. The brain is the strongest organ in the body. I wish I was old enough to help my own sister.”
I understood where he was coming from. Skyler was playing a dangerous game, and she needed to wake up and realize that her mental disease wasn’t going to reverse. This was something that she would have to live with for the rest of her life.
Like my depression.
I would have moments where life was happier and worth living for, then it could become dark. It scared me to have those conversations with Gerald and letting him in to see the Zoya who didn’t want to shower or clean.
The woman that would lay in bed in the dark for hours because everything hurt. It hurt to speak, think, make decisions or even move a muscle. It wasn’t a physical pain either, more of a mental one.
One where I spent my life being everything to everyone, so I didn’t have any energy for myself. It was easy to hide that part of me from the people I loved because I cherished my privacy.
I didn’t run around screaming “I’m depressed bitch!” from the roof top. Being pregnant and carrying a life while having to take antidepressants scared me. I hadn’t taken my medicine since finding out that I was pregnant.
“You alright?” Syn gently touched my hand.
I snapped out the frenzy that I was sending myself into and smiled. “Yeah. Just was thinking about something.”
Syn stood up, stretched and grabbed her phone. “Well, the mood is surely ruined up in here. I’m going to bike to the beach and spend some time there.”
Syn hugged us both and then called out to Skyler before she left. I watched as Kobe turned to look at me.
“How are you really doing? Don’t give me that I’m fine bullshit, either.”
I chuckled. “Scared.”
There was no other word that best described how I felt. When I thought about my man, best friends, brothers, and the rest of the men, I felt fear. Not knowing what was going on, or if I would get a call that something happened to my brothers, or Gerald scared me the most.
Whenever I touched my stomach, I thought about my child and that caused fear, too. What if I’m not the right person for this kid? I wasn’t the most affectionate person, and I struggled with my mental health like Skyler.
“Motherhood is scary.”
“Would my own child need protection from me?” I looked over at him, as he rubbed my back.
I could tell he was confused by the question I had asked. “What do you mean?”
“I struggle with depression, Kobe. It’s not bipolar disease, but it’s not something to just push under the rug, either.”
“Have you been diagnosed or are you just saying you struggle with depression?”
“Diagnosed with depression and take medication, too.”
Kobe turned to face me fully like he was seeing me for the first time. “Are you serious? I would have never assumed you were a fellow low battery bestie.”
I laughed. “A what?”
“It’s a nickname I use when I find someone who also has depression. The stigma around depression is already fucking depressing. I know it looks and shows up differently for everyone, but I never would have guessed you dealt with it, too.”
It felt like a relief hearing Kobe bring light to something that was considered dark.
Don’t get me wrong, depression was very much dark.
It was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but it was hard living with something that was taboo.
People acted like you were going to jump off the bridge the moment you mentioned you were depressed.
It was the reason that only Landon knew that I took medication.
“For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me.”
“Babes, there was something wrong with you,” Kobe chuckled.
“True. I ignored it for a while and thought I could outwork it or even shake it away. At one point, I thought changing my diet would change things.”
Kobe nodded his head, letting me know that he had gone through denial like I had.
I think most people went through the different stages because they didn’t know or understand what depression looked like.
They assumed because you were high spirited, or the life of the party that it couldn’t happen to you.
“See, I was the opposite. I thought if I isolated and slept all day that it would eventually go away. Hamza was the one that pulled me up out the house and took me to the hospital.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded. “Uh huh. I sent him a text and told him that I loved him.”
“Were you going to go through with it?” I questioned.
He offered a small smile, taking my hand into his. “Honestly, I don’t know. I do know that Hamza got that text message and came for me. Who knows what would have happened if he didn’t come to my house.”
Havoc and Kobe were complete opposites. Kobe was loud, outgoing, and told it like it was.
Havoc was quiet and stayed to himself, you hardly heard him speak.
I learned that it was because he was deaf and he didn’t like the way he sounded.
When you witnessed he and Kobe’s friendship, it warmed your heart because they were a unlikely pair.
I also knew that Havoc and the Gods would go to war behind Kobe. He wasn’t just a brother to Havoc, he was their brother, too, and his sexuality didn’t matter to them.
“I say all of this to say that I understand. I grew up a gay little Black boy in the hood. It was inevitable for me to experience some kind of depression,” he joked, trying to bring light to this conversation.
“Not true, Kobe.”
“I’ve heard about my sexuality before I even knew what the word meant. Always being called sweet or sassy. It didn’t help when I lost my sister, who was my voice. So, depression has always been in the cards for me, love.”
I laced my fingers through his and smiled at him. “Low battery besties.”
“LBB’s.” He kissed my hand.