Zoya #4
Too excited to celebrate because I felt like that might jinx the situation. Scared to plan for the future because what happens if that never comes? This is why Gerald should have been here. He never cared about any of that and spoke about our future like it was already written in stone.
The medical assistant smiled. “Congratulations… I will need urine and blood. We’ll also be back in to take your vitals as well.” She double backed to the papers. “First prenatal appointment, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, no worries. We will get everything together and make sure you and baby are safe and healthy.”
“Thank you.” I smiled as she excused herself and quietly closed the door behind her. I continued to rub my thighs.
“Hey, what are you feeling?”
I looked at her, as she rubbed my back. “I’m fucking scared.”
Alaia snorted, as she stood up and hugged me. “Fucking fair.”
“How did you do it?”
Her face became serious as she continued to hold me, rocking in the process.
“I wasn’t ready to be a mother. It was something that was forced onto me.
That first time I saw her on that sonogram machine, I loved her.
Didn’t even know what she was, but I knew that she was mine and despite the fucked-up circumstances, she was sent to me for a reason. ”
We both sniffled at the same time, crying like two emotional ass bitches. “She saved you, huh?”
“Yes. I like to think that she brought me and Cappadonna together. Had I not been in a rush to wash the little bit of clothes she had, and mine, I wouldn’t have gone to the laundromat that day.
Promise showed me love that I never knew I needed.
There is nothing stronger than a parent’s love for their child.
I was prepared to do it alone, as best as I could.
Cappadonna was patient, gentle, and he showed me a love I had never experienced.
Even when it came to motherhood, he created a safe space for me to be a mother.
That’s the thing about this right here,” she took her hand and touched my stomach.
“The choice to become a mother was forced upon me. Your choice to be a mother was made by you and the man you love. Babies deserve to be wanted, not expected. Your baby is wanted, hun.”
I wasn’t even a damn hugger, and here I was in this exam room hugging the hell out of Alaia. The doctor poked her head in with a beautiful smile. Her hair was in one of those braided updos that women of her age wore. She had a pair of red plastic frames on, and a smile that could light up the room.
“How are you doing, Ms. Caselli? My name is Dr. Tonn… it’s nice to have you in the office.” She turned to Alaia. “Is this your partner?”
The tears were replaced with tears of laughter as Alaia nearly choked trying to tell her that we weren’t lesbians. “Oh no, this is my friend… she’s here for moral support.”
Dr. Tonn had deep brown skin that I knew glistened once the sun touched her, and her cheeks became rosy once she realized she assumed wrong. “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry… I’m so—”
I held my chest as I continued to laugh. “I’ve always had a crush—”
“Zoya, what the hell? We are not a couple, and she has never had a crush on me,” Alaia shoved me, and took her seat.
Dr. Tonn chuckled. “A jokester, huh?”
She didn’t have an accent like her medical assistant. “I’m sorry. That was the most I’ve laughed in weeks.”
“Pregnancy is a joyful time for most.” She washed her hands and turned to face me. “Is this something to celebrate?”
I was taken back by her question, but also grateful at the same time. Women often came to appointments and medical professionals assumed this was an exciting time in their life. Women should have room to feel all the motions that came with pregnancy and not be judged by it.
If a woman wasn’t jumping up and down excited about her pregnancy, then she hated her baby, or was a soon to be unfit mother. I appreciated that Dr. Tonn gave me room to express if this was an exciting time in my life, or if I was ready to get this sucker sucked out of me.
“I’m excited and scared all at the same time. Not really sure how to feel because I’m so worried.”
She finished her washing regimen with hand sanitizer. “What has you worried?”
“Losing the baby. Getting all excited only to not hear a heartbeat or see something. I’m dark, sorry.”
“You’re realistic. I have to admit, treating someone realistic about things is always easier.
Some patients like to hold onto hope and faith, and while you’re allowed to believe in anything you want, as doctors we have to operate in the facts.
Those things you worry about can very well happen.
You are still early and that’s usually when miscarriages occur. ”
My heart dropped, becoming even more worried than I was before. She wasn’t doing shit to soothe my damn anxiety. Once sis’ heard that I was a realist, she started dropping everything on me.
“We won’t have to worry about that because we’ll hear the heartbeat today, right?” Alaia slipped her hand inside mine, trying to soothe me.
I liked Dr. Tonn. She was a realist like me, but in this moment, sis’ needed to turn on the damn machines and see if this little niglet was inside of me or not.
She walked over to the machine and smiled. “You haven’t given urine yet, so we should be able to see baby very clearly.”
I watched as she adjusted the exam table, so I was able to lean back, and see the screen at the same time. “Excuse my gut,” I joked to ease myself more than anything.
“Plus size women still show early. People assume that because they carry more weight in their midsection that it’s not the baby. You’d be very surprised.”
Dr. Tonn gently felt around my stomach and nodded. “I feel the firmness… that’s not all food like you’re accusing it to be.”
Me and Alaia were quiet as she turned the machine on and put the warm jelly towards the bottom of my stomach. She was pushing it towards the bottom of my stomach, right above my vagina.
My eyes remained closed as I felt her moving it around and clicking a bunch of buttons. The way my heart was beating, I’m sure she would have mistaken it for the baby’s.
“Take a look at your baby, Ms. Caselli,” she spoke softly, as my eyes finally fluttered open and there was a little alien on the screen. The head was huge and it looked like a little lima bean with little arms and barely any legs.
“Where the hell is the arms and legs?”
Dr. Tonn chuckled. “They’re still developing, but if you look here.” She pushed the machine a bit more, applying more pressure. “They’re coming right on in as they should.”
“Is my head that big, Alaia? Don’t lie to me.”
She laughed through her tears. “Yes, girl… baby got your whole head.”
“The baby will grow into its head… right now that’s the biggest development, so everything will even out.”
The doctor clicked around some more things before she held the machine in one particular spot, pressing two buttons. The sound of the heartbeat flooded the room. Strong steady rhythms of its little heart made me so emotional.
Alaia swiped her tears away as she pulled her phone out and recorded the sound of the heartbeat. My eyes became even more blurry with tears, as I stared at the screen.
“That’s my baby.” I held my hand to my mouth as emotion overtook my body, and I couldn’t turn the waterworks off, even if I tried.
I felt Alaia’s lips on my forehead, as she continued to wipe her tears away. “Gerald helped make that baby. That’s a piece of him in there.”
“Our baby,” I whispered, as Dr. Tonn continued to check everything out on the screen and press more buttons.
The tears continued to fall as Dr. Tonn was speaking to me.
I didn’t hear a word she was saying. Alaia was doing most of the talking and writing things in the note’s app on her phone.
I didn’t think I would be so emotional seeing the baby on the screen.
When Stevie was pregnant, I went with her and Menace to one appointment and as excited as I was to be an auntie, I wasn’t moved to tears.
Our baby was wanted more than the air that I needed to breathe.
I told myself and others for years that I didn’t want kids, and at some point, I started to believe it.
This baby had been prayed for; I yearned for this life inside of me before I met Gerald.
When Goo kissed my lips in Ashbourne and asked for permission to make us parents, I laughed.
It was a silly question at the time, but an intentional one.
I was too scared to believe that anything would come of that night, even with the circumstances aligning perfectly. When I stared into his eyes on that bed in Ashbourne, they told me everything I needed to know but refused to believe.
He wanted this.
He wanted us.
He wanted me.
This love and life that we created was something we both wanted. No matter how scared I was or how much I waited for the other shoe to drop. This moment was a reminder that the shoe wouldn’t drop.
I had to believe that.