Goon
Recommendation: Listen to “Where Will You Go” by Babyface
“Hi, you, from you… this feels so weird. How am I supposed to speak life into myself?” I stood in the doorway and watched as she propped her phone up on the mirror and sat Indian style while trying to record.
This was her third take, and each time she stalled. She would go and say something good about herself and freeze up like her inner self refused to allow the words out. The struggle in her body and face made me sad for her. I wanted her to know that she was amazing in every way possible.
She deserved everything good in this world. Just because she was considered stubborn or difficult didn’t mean that she was less deserving of the love she wanted. That meant she needed a good man, a real man that could handle that.
In her rare form, she had no makeup on and her glasses were on. Boobie wore these black square glasses that covered nearly half her face. She only wore them when she was working because the computer hurt her eyes.
“You have to be good for your baby and for Goo… how can you be his woman if you can’t speak good about yourself, idiot.” The negative words came out quicker than the good.
Lightly knocking on the door, I made myself known and she jumped. Crossing the room to where she sat, I got down on the floor behind her, as she pressed pause on the video. Wrapping my arms around her, I kissed her neck and rocked her from side to side.
“You finished praying?”
“Uh huh,” I rested my chin on her shoulder. “What you in here doing?” I asked. Although I had watched her do three takes of trying to make a video, I didn’t know why she was doing it.
This was the first time I saw her doing something other than on her computer and in her notes. She was waking Forty up early in the morning to learn everything about the mystery that nigga was.
Sighing, she relaxed back into my arms. “Navy challenged me to start vlogging and getting my feelings out. I want to do it, but it’s not so easy looking at yourself and being raw about it.”
“Like affirmations and shit?”
Zoya giggled. “Yes, like affirmations and shit.”
I leaned forward and pushed the red square on her screen and held her. “We look good together, huh?”
“Too good. So much chocolate cannot be good for the teeth.”
I chuckled because she was so fucking silly. “Good for the heart though… especially dark chocolate.”
She rubbed my forearms, relaxed in my arms. That was all I wanted for her. To always be relaxed when I was around. When she was out in the world, she could give them hell like she usually did. The moment when we closed those doors and were alone, I needed her to be like this.
“What up, I’m Zoya’s husband.”
Her head snapped. “Now why you on here lying? You are not my husband.”
“Not yet… I will be though.”
“You so sure, huh?”
“Very sure. I just need Zoya to know and understand that.” I kissed her temple. “Wanna know what else I need Zoya to know and understand?”
“What’s that?”
“I need Zoya to know that she is loved. I pray for you always. That your mental health is always good and that you my queen, are good. I need Zoya to know that no matter how difficult she may try to be, I’m never going anywhere.
Love can be easy, but it rarely ever is.
Love can be hard. Allowing someone in and trusting that they will keep their word after being let down is hard, and I get that, Baby.
I need you to know that happiness doesn’t always need an explanation.
You don’t need to try and explain this or figure it out.
Just let go and let me love you the way I know you want to be loved.
” I stared at her through the mirror. “I’m never giving up on you, hear me? ”
She wiped away a tear. “You promise, Goo? Even with me having depression?”
I kissed her temple. “Oh shit. I assumed you were bipolar.”
She punched my leg. “Gerald!”
“Seriously, I want to learn more about your depression. What that looks like and how that affects you while carrying our child. I don’t take it lightly, and whatever I need to do to make this easier for you, I’m here, Baby.
You got my word that I’m not going anywhere.
You are for me and I worked fucking hard to get here with you…
. You worked hard to be here. You ever gonna give up on me?
” I nuzzled her cheek with my beard and she giggled.
I watched as her eyes raised and we made eye contact through the mirror. “The doctor I saw here said that my antidepressants are safe to take while pregnant, which is a relief. And no, I could never… I’m your lawyer, too, Pumpkin.”
I chuckled as I kissed her.
When my parole officer violated me, it was Boobie who came to visit me. She never spoke on the shit because she didn’t want it to ruin her mean girl reputation she had against me. She was there to visit and answer my calls.
Never did she rush me off the phone or downplay how I was feeling. She listened and that was the most important thing you could do for a nigga that’s locked up. I was able to be real with her, and she was able to be real with me.
She didn’t give up on me.
“It takes a lot to do what you do, Boobie. I never doubt that. I’d never try to take that away from you, either. I want you to know that I’m always going to be right there cheering you on. ‘Cause I’m so fucking proud of you. I never have to be in front, always in the shadows.”
She rubbed my face as I kissed her. “I just want to remain like this forever. Never leave or deal with what’s waiting for us back home.”
I touched her stomach and squeezed her. “Can I ask you to promise me something?”
“Yes.”
“Think of them before you do anything. Baby, I know you be trying to take matters into your own hands but always think of them. I’m never letting you handle anything on your own… you got me.”
“I promise.”
“Good. Now, pack your clothes because we are heading to Jamaica tomorrow morning.”
“Jamaica? You want to go to Jamaica now in the middle of all of this?” Boobie looked at me with her glasses pushed up on her face, while leaning up from me. “I have so much to do with this case and while I have Forty.”
Since she knew she was going to be representing Forty, she had been on that computer and talking to Capri. The both of them with Skyler and Aimee had been working nonstop, talking to Forty.
At any moment, you would hear them talking in legal terms. The shit was sexy to witness her in her element. Witnessing her in court for the Kofi’s trial was one thing, but to witness the preparation of a trial was another thing.
I had heard so many legal terms that I started jotting them down in case she tried to throw some of them at me in an argument.
“It’s important for you to meet my grandparents. I need you to see where I come from, Baby.”
She leaned back. “What if they think I’m a skettle?”
I stared at her. “You hanging around moms too damn much. They not even gonna think that.”
“Uh huh… until they saying it under their breath or y’all get to talking like Sebastian again.”
“Yo, fuck up.” I kissed her neck, as she held onto me, and we sat in the video. “I want to show you home.”
“Weren’t you born in America though?”
“Not home… Jamaica has been home. I want you to witness it through my family’s eyes. Moms ain’t been home since she lost her leg… I want to do this for her. Khaos and Inez haven’t been in a while. They need to be around our elders.”
“I’m nervous and excited at the same time,” she admitted.
Kissing her lips, I said, “I want to bring our baby back as often as possible. Want my grandparents to know my pickney.”
“My baby ain’t no damn pitbull.” I kissed her before scooting from behind and leaving her on the damn floor.
“Pack yo’ damn clothes, Zoya.”
I left her silly ass laughing on the floor as I left to head to her brother’s house. Inez had been going through withdrawals there, and from what I’d heard of it, she sounded like she had the demon up in her.
Corleon convincing me to let him take care of her was the best solution. I couldn’t imagine my mother and Boobie having to handle that. She was already throwing up with chills when she was at our villa.
“Hey Goon,” Jeffie greeted me as she came from the kitchen with a hot bowl.
She went into the dining room, and Inez was sitting up at the table. The last few times I had been over here, she was locked in that room with Corleon sitting in there. She was pleading with him to take the pain away.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I didn’t ask if you were hungry. You need something on your stomach and electrolytes.” Jeffie sat down across from her and went back to working on her laptop.
“Came to yell at me and say this is all my fault like Kenneth?”
I leaned in the archway. “Nah.”
“Then why are you here, Goo?”
“Cause he cares about you, but you are too selfish to see the shit,” Corleon came into the dining room and kissed Jeffie on the lips, while going over and checking Inez’s temperature.
Her entire act straightened up when he entered the room. All of a sudden, her appearance mattered. She was fluffing her hair and fixing the old vintage Pepsi t-shirt. I peeped that shit when we were at his house when shit first went down.
“Her fever has come down, so you should be good to travel tomorrow,” Jeffie told me, never looking up from her laptop.
I left Inez to finish her soup while going to look for Menace. I was surprised when I found him sitting in the sand with his son. They both had their hands shoved into the sand and were playing with it.
“Relaxing?” I took a seat on the steps next to where he sat.
“Yeah. I don’t like when it sticks to my fucking hands though.” He swiped it off on his pants.
Knowing his ass, he would probably burn them later.
I looked out at the ocean and felt this sense of peace.
Bringing my mom back home was real big for me.
She and my aunt used to visit back home together, but once she got sick and then lost her leg she refused.
My aunt offered to help her, and she didn’t want to be a burden on her.