Chapter 10
ten
Caged
Charlie
The first thing I felt after I woke up after passing out in Jim’s bed was the pounding of my brain inside my head.
It felt like someone was hitting me in the head with a hammer.
After seeing it was just after five in the morning, I looked over the edge of the bed to check on Jim’s sleep status and saw he was facing away from me, and out of it.
I slipped out of bed and toed my way through the house and to the door, shoes in hand.
The door creaked open which made me cringe, looking up like I could see Jim through the ceiling to make sure he didn’t hear it.
Thank God the bedroom is on the opposite side of the unit.
I slipped out and closed the door feeling bad for sneaking off and not being able to lock the door.
After putting on my shoes out on the stoop, I looked around at where I was and saw that Jim lived at unit four forty-eight.
I headed for the center of the Village, away from the road, so I could walk down toward the high numbers through the center of the complex where our unit was, hoping I could find my way back easier than last night.
Man, those beers and that shot really messed with my head. Why does anyone ever drink that much? Is it supposed to be fun? My head still felt fuzzy from it all. I mean, I guess I was having an okay time until we left. David was really nice and lively.
Completely opposite from Jim who was standoff-ish until I started to panic when he was trying to get me home.
I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even find our place.
My brain felt like it got some wires crossed, short circuiting my memory to the point I couldn’t even remember my unit number, which was six-fifteen by the way.
Why couldn’t I remember that last night?
Then I ended up in Jim’s house and my memory of getting there, it’s like it had been erased. It was like I came back to the present knowing I shouldn’t be where I was. I have only felt that kind of fear one other time in my life, which is what led Dad and I to Pittsburgh in the first place.
I don’t remember most of what he said to me, I just remember being snapped back to the present and being somewhere I shouldn’t have been, with someone I didn’t know I could fully trust but the word ‘safe’ seemed drilled in my mind with Jim’s face, his eyes conveying the truth.
His touch guided me like an angel guiding a lost soul to its finally resting place. Which happened to be Jim’s bed, alone.
After walking over Bigham Road that crossed the center of the Village and passing 4 building units, I finally found mine.
I was only one building away last night, if I had just kept going.
Walking into the cellar, closing the door quietly behind me, I walked to the stairs and looked up, noticing the door at the top was open.
I closed it when I left.
Fuck!
Dad knows.
He knows I wasn’t here.
With my anxiety spiked, I walked up the stairs, not bothering to be quiet because what was the point now.
When I got to the top landing, I saw dad sitting on the busted old blue couch that was now more grey.
His head was in his hands, leaning forward.
I took two steps into the room, closer to him but not able to say anything.
Breathing erratic, he finally looked up and saw me.
His eyes were mournful and full of pain.
Before I could even react, he was up and was charging me like a wild rhino, but instead of plowing me over like he looked like he was going to do, I was engulfed in his arms, being squeezed like a python would squeeze its prey.
“Dad–” I gasped out. Then I felt wetness on the side of my face. “Dad?” now worried.
He let go of me but didn’t go far, moving his hands to my face, sandwiching my cheeks. He looked into my eyes with his tear-filled ones. “You scared the hell out of me,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean too,” now getting as upset as him, a tear rolling down my cheek. Dad wiped it away, then hugged me again.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where did you go and where were you all night?” He rapid fired all the questions at me that I was sure he had been thinking all night long.
“I’m okay, Dad. I promise. I’m sorry. I got turned around coming home last night. I couldn’t find our unit.”
“That only answered two of my questions, Charlie. Where did you go?” his tone was becoming more solid.
The silence was deafening. My hesitation was louder than a car backfiring, shooting sparks out its backend. When I avoided looking at him and kept quiet, annoyance entered his tone, “I’m waiting.”
“Ummm, I went to go find Jim and David,” whispering what I knew is going to cause a huge reaction.
Letting me go and taking two steps away from me like I had a contagion, I looked up at him staring at me in shock. “What were you thinking, Son? Are you insane!” He turned away from me, stepping in a circle, not able to get too far but seeming the need to move.
When he got back to facing me, he jerked to a stop, “Wait. How did you know where they were? They never stated where they were going when they invited us. And where did you end up?”
Taking a deep breath, preparing myself for the aftermath of what I was about to say.
“I went to one of the bars that we have passed before on the way to the mine first. They weren’t there, but the bartender told me where they normally visit, so I went and found them there at Bigham’s Tavern.
” I kept my mouth shut about the incident.
He’d lock me up for good if he learned that.
“You wandered a city you don’t know to find two men you barely know… for what? Why?” His volume got louder the more he spoke with his arms gesturing out, eyes full of question and worry. His fear of the past probably flooded his memory, thinking what had happened was going to happen again.
“Dad,” trying not to sound too whiny, “Please calm down. I’m okay. I know you don’t or can’t understand, but I needed some freedom. I constantly feel like I’m in a cage, only being let out an arm or leg at a time, never my full body.”
I felt tears being held back by the edges of my eyelids, so I looked up and blinked to try to control my emotions before I continued.
“I feel physically trapped by fear all the time, from you and from myself. I am sick of feeling like that!” I looked back down to him, “I don’t want to be some bird behind bars, chirping for attention only to be left alone. I can’t live like that.”
After taking a deep breath, like he was trying to breathe in what I was saying so he could process it fully, he exhaled more than he breathed in like his body was rejecting it. “But you can’t,” he said simply with eyes hard as diamond and tone stressed.
Then his cheeks relaxed and his eyes softened.
“I’m sorry. You scared me to death. And I’m sorry that you feel caged.
I truly am. But we have to be careful. I love you with every fiber of my being.
You are all I have left in my life that really matters.
If anything would ever happen to you,” He trailed off then walked back over to me, grabbing my arms. “I love you for who you are, for the way you are.”
I stood there in shock. He had never said any of this to me before.
Even after finding out that I liked men, he stayed in his normal quiet state, except for when we had to move but even then, he didn’t say any of this or make any loving verbal affirmations.
He just picked us up and moved us away. When I gasped and hiccupped, that’s when I noticed I was actively crying. Fully.
“I may not understand why you are the way you are, Charlie, but that doesn’t mean you are not anything less to me than before,” he said forcefully. “I need to keep you safe though. And I know that it’s probably not a great feeling that you are trapped, but I don’t know how else to protect you.”
With my vision blurred, my nose wet, I gasped, “Dad, I can’t stay contained. I can’t.” I felt like I was shaking. I was worked up to the point that even thinking about having to stay totally hidden away from people in public was making me fall apart more than when my mom died.
I understood that I had to be careful. How any person could be illegal is beyond me. I could be arrested for just being me, even walking down the street. Or the worst of the worst could happen, which I don’t even want to think about.
But do I live to live with high risk? Or do I live to hide in safety? Which would kill me faster?
He had been rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “Shhhhh, Charlie,” he whispered and brought me back into his arms, and this time I’m holding him in return, continuing to shake and gasping for breath.
“I know this secret can’t get out,” I said into his shoulder, sniffling and leaving behind emotional residue on his shirt.
“And I am constantly terrified about what could happen if people found out about me. And what could also happen to you.” I pulled away and wiped my face and looked at my dad in his eyes, trying to bear the seriousness of my next statement.
“But I can’t not live some semblance of my life. ”
Suddenly, my body started crashing probably from the mix of drinking last night and the high emotions I was currently experiencing. I walked around my dad and sat on the couch, and tried to get my breathing under control, getting into the same position my dad was in when I arrived.
After a moment, I felt my dad kneel in front of me, staying close for mutual comfort.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you were caged because of me.
I guess, I was doing it to protect myself too.
” I looked up at him, seeing the truth. “Even if you weren’t the way you are, being a homophile, I still would have had a hard time letting go. ”
“Because of mom,” I stated.
“Yes,” nodding in agreement. “Losing her made me see how easy it was to lose anyone. And now that there is this extra layer of judgement against you that could lead to danger,” coming to a sudden stop and he shook his head, looking at his knees.
After a moment's pause, he looked back up at me with a questioning expression. “Where were you last night? Where did you go when you couldn’t find your way back?”
“Jim’s,” I simply stated while trying to tell him that it was okay with my eyes, but he didn’t get the message because his eyes widened and he leaned back in surprise.
“Dad, he made sure I was safe. The entire night he made sure I was okay. He stayed with me and then took me back when I got turned around. It’s okay.
” Nodding, like me moving my head would completely convince him.
When the silence went on too long, it seemed to push the statement fully into his head as he relaxed.
“He really is a good guy, Dad. So is David.” I smiled at some of the memories I remembered from last night after the chaos at the start, which I continued to fully avoid on purpose.
“After their initial shock, and even though Jim didn’t really loosen up much, they made sure I was comfortable. I had fun. And I felt safe with them.”
“They let you drink,” he said with irritation.
“Excuse me,” I said with finality. “They didn’t let me do anything.
If they had it their way, I would have left right after I arrived,” but not giving him a moment to question any of what I just let slip, I quickly moved back to his statement.
“But yes, I did drink. And my head is pounding. Even more now that I have been crying. Sorry about your shirt, by the way.” I gave him a small smile, and I waved my hand to his shoulder.
He looked down at the mess I left behind, hoping the distraction would get him off topic.
He snorted, and shook his head in amusement then looked back at me.
“I love you, Charlie,” with so much humorous affection a quiet and moody father could give their only son.
“We will figure this out. We will loosen up, as long as we are able to keep you safe,” getting back his calmer yet serious tone.
I gave him a small smile and nodded. He opened his arms and I fell into them for a tight hug.
“Okay, go shower. You smell like what you drank last night. We will spend the day relaxing. Maybe tomorrow, we can go explore the city a little.”
That idea thrilled me and I was surprised he was already suggesting public activities. “That sounds amazing, Dad.” I got up, leaving him kneeling on the floor and headed to the stairs to get cleaned up, wishing it was already tomorrow.