Chapter 18
He did not hear me enter.
He lay in the darkness in the corner of the room. Those broad shoulders were turned away from me, rising and falling gently with each breath. I felt my fingers curl with nervousness, my palms damp with sweat. “Lys,” I said softly and yet he did not move.
He should have been alert to every sound, yet it was obvious that the day had exhausted him.
I closed the door behind me, set the candle down, and walked closer. His scent, the same one from the first day I met him, filled every one of my senses.
For a moment, I simply looked at him.
I could hardly believe what strange luck had brought us here. Or perhaps it was misfortune. I could not say for certain. I almost wanted to laugh at myself and the absurdity of it all.
Sitting on the edge of his small bed, one he could barely fit on, I spoke his name again.
“Lysande.” This time, he turned toward me.
For a heartbeat, confusion crossed his face.
Then he realized who I was and immediately jumped to his feet.
“Princess.” He bowed awkwardly, the motion unfamiliar and clumsy.
There was so much distance in his voice, as if every word cost him effort.
He could not look me in the eyes. Before I could say anything else, his expression twitched, as though he had remembered something.
He dropped to his knees before me and lowered his head.
“Princess, I apologize for my behavior in the city...”
“Lys—” I tried to interrupt him, but he continued. “I... I did not know, and I beg your forgiveness. My behavior was improper, and I accept whatever punishment you wish to give me.” His voice was cold. Emotionless. I stood and stepped in front of him.
“Lys, stand up.” He obeyed wordlessly. “I should be the one apologizing to you. I lied. I pretended to be someone else.” He still could not meet my eyes. “And I am sorry. For everything.”
There was not the slightest change in his expression. “Princess, I am here to serve you.” At those words, something ugly twisted inside my stomach. “I truly am sorry,” I tried again, completely forgetting my own status that sat way above him.
I was not stupid.
I knew exactly what was happening.
I knew what his answers meant.
“Princess, I am your knight, and I will defend you with my life.” He was separating himself from everything that had happened between us. Forgetting me. Erasing me.
I knew it was forbidden, but I had hoped that at least when we were alone, when no one else was watching, we could remember some part of what we had been. Now I see how much of it was impossible. For the damage was far too serious.
“Do you have an order for me?” he asked like a true servant, still refusing to look me in the eyes. I clenched my teeth as the heart inside me shattered in thousand little pieces.
This was all my fault.
“No,” I replied with the same coldness he was using. “I only wished to meet my shadow in proper.” Without another word, I turned away and left him in that dark, half-empty room. I passed the servants without saying a single thing.
“Princess, are you alright? Did something happen?” Welme asked, concern filling her voice.“That is enough for tonight. Go to bed.” I brushed her off. Though worried, she simply left the room.
Finally, alone in my own chambers and my own darkness, I allowed the tears to gather in my eyes and spill down my cheeks.
I tore the cloth from across my chest and threw it onto the floor before collapsing onto my bed.
The scent of cleanliness and the softness of feathers could not soothe the rage burning inside me.
This anger.
This hatred.
My hands covered my mouth as I began to cry. My body shook with sobs and my hair soaked in my tears. Yet I could not stop. I cried and cried as memories flooded my mind, not only the moments with him, but every other moment as well.
Every time I had ruined something.
Every lie.
Every manipulation.
Everything.
I cried until there were no tears left.
Until the birds began singing their morning songs, and only then did I allow sleep to finally claim me.
But even there, I found no peace. Because, like every night before, I dreamed of him. I dreamed of us, and of the life that could not be.