Chapter 43
With my jaw clenched so tightly I could have lost a tooth, I moved through the crowd toward the prince waiting for me in the center of the dance floor. Smiling, with all the attention focused on him, Prince Haarza was clearly enjoying every second of it.
Once, before Lys and before I had found myself, I would have dreamed of this moment and of this prince every night, imagining what it would feel like to have him look at me this way.
But now that he was standing here, offering me his soft hand wrapped in the finest fabric and decorated with a gold ring on every finger, I felt absolutely nothing.
"Princess, would you honor me with a dance?" he asked like a true gentleman, bending slightly at the knees.
"Yes, Prince."
All I wanted was to get away from here.
Several higher-ranking lords, along with King Yasi and Queen Tereya, who had been holding hands as they had for decades, approached from our right. I saw it in their smiles and in the way their eyes traveled over the two of us and lingered on our joined hands. They wanted me to be his.
My eyes found Father, who remained oblivious to my reluctance, sitting comfortably in his place with a satisfied and proud expression.
Only Mother, for the first time in my life, seemed angry as she sat beside him.
Not at me. Not at the King. At the situation.
It was as though her heart could recognize the pain of another, and although she had never been gentle or warm, in that moment I saw something unfamiliar in her eyes. Support.
She knew better than anyone how much it hurt to be sent to another. They had torn her away from the person she loved and forced her to marry Father, then expected her to give him one child after another until she could no longer do it.
"Princess, are you alright?" Haarza asked with concern. I smiled at him, realizing only then that I had been staring at Mother for too long.
"Yes, my prince. You are very thoughtful. I'm just not used to having this much attention on me." The absolute lie flowed from my tongue as easily as milk.
"Don't fret, Princess," he said, gently tightening his fingers around my hand in a gesture that tried to mimic comfort.
I made myself smile at him as beautifully as I could.
Slowly, perhaps trying to make himself more seductive, he placed one hand on my waist while lifting my other hand in his.
The places where he touched me felt as though they had been pressed against ice.
There was none of the heat Lys created in me, none of those tingles that bit their way all the way to my heart.
Nothing. Only ever-freezing cold.
I don't know whether I was glad that I couldn't see Lys in that moment, but the longer I looked at the prince's face, pampered by expensive creams and donkey's milk, the harder I tried to place my knight's face over his.
His brown eyes over these electric-blue ones.
His curly hair over this straight one. Perhaps I could have managed that, but I couldn't replace Lys's size in my mind.
The prince, with all his fake kindness and beauty, was only slightly taller than me. Even now, as we began to dance, I didn't have to look upward the way I did with my protector.
Still, as the music started, I tried not to think about it.
I tried with every turn we made not to search the crowd for Lys's face.
Yet while I struggled to avert my eyes from the applause and awe of the crowd, something else suddenly occurred to me. Something that almost made me step on the prince's toes or scream in his face and run out of the ballroom.
Only now, while this man held my waist and guided our dance, did I understand that my attachment to Lys was not merely friendly. It wasn't simply a desire for freedom and adventure at the harbor. It wasn't only grief over having hurt him either. There was something else.
My heart slammed against my ribs, and a ringing began in my ears. My lips parted slightly. My cheeks grew hot.
I had fallen in love with Lys.
I didn't even hear when the music stopped, nor did I feel the prince kiss my hand. Everything I could see before me was him.
Him. And him. And always only him.
Not a prince. Not a lord. Only my forbidden knight. My shell from the bottom of the ocean.
"I hope, Princess, that you will grant me the wish of dancing with you once more and—" Haarza began, but his parents and Yan approached from the side, interrupting us.
"Oh, Princess, that was wonderful," his mother said as she kissed my cheeks.
"Thank you, Your Majesty," I replied politely.
"You don't have to call me by my title. Call me by my name please," she answered and I knew exactly what that meant. I understood what she was hinting at.
"Princess, we hope you will visit us again at our court. We have missed you," the King said, holding his Queen around the waist. His thinning gray hair fell around his head, and the wrinkles on his face showed the years of difficult service he had endured.
"It would be my pleasure, Your Majesty. Thank you for the invitation."
"Of course, we were hoping—" The Queen began, but Sando's arrival interrupted whatever she had wanted to say. Inside, I breathed a sigh of relief and promised myself I would give him a very tight hug later. "Prince, what do you say?" she asked him with a smile.
"About what, my Queen?"
"Ah, about this lovely couple, of course." I felt a pair of blue eyes on me, but I didn't lift my gaze from the Queen. Sando shifted slightly before casting a brief look toward me.
"They danced beautifully," he answered politely. She nodded approvingly before looking at me again with that same gentle expression.
"We were hoping, Princess, that we might see more of these dances between the two of you."
Fuck me now, I thought, already knowing exactly what she was going to say next.
"Prince, we know it is early, and of course there is still much to discuss, but what do you think about uniting our two houses?" the King asked.
No, I answered in my head, dragging Lys in front of them and kissing him.
In my imagination, of course, because I still couldn't find him among the hundreds of people moving around us.
"It would be our honor, of course—" My eyes widened as I tried not to make it too obvious and turned toward Sando, who had already begun speaking.
"But that is not my decision. Nor is it the King's anymore, considering he has given my sister the right to choose for herself."
My heart loosened at his words, and the sweat on my forehead began to cool.
Now everyone was looking at me. I smiled politely before addressing those expectant eyes. "Of course, it would be a great honor, but as you said yourself, it is still far too early to speak of such things." Naturally, Haarza had to speak as well.
"Then I hope you will grant me the honor of taking a walk with you through the gardens tomorrow, so we may get to know one another better—"
The gardens belong only to Lys and me.
"If you aren't too exhausted, of course."
"It would be my pleasure," I answered politely, looking for the quickest possible way out of the situation.
I had never realized before how much pressure and nervousness all of this could create inside me.
Tomorrow, or whenever I saw the prince again, I would reject his proposal, but right now I only needed to leave as quickly as possible.
"Then it is settled—"
The Queen clapped her hands before turning to her husband. "And now, my love, the next dance is for married couples. Will you give me the honor?" She extended her hand toward him, and he laughed. We bowed to them as they moved toward the dance floor.
"It is time for us to get out of here. It will begin soon," Sando said, and fortunately, the prince and princess received their cue.
"Then, Princess, I hope for another dance," Haarza said before linking his arm through Yan's. I smiled with my teeth, and thankfully, they left.
Only when I watched them disappear into the crowd did I finally release the breath I had been holding and rub my aching forehead. An ugly feeling settled into my stomach, and sweat began running down my back. "It's alright, Isolde," Sando said. But my ears were already buzzing.
Not only because of the prince, but because I had realized how much I loved Lys. "I need to go outside for a little while, and you, please find Lys and tell him to meet me. I need to tell him something."
Sando caught my hand. "Are you alright?" he asked worriedly. I smiled.
"More than alright. Please, just find him." I pulled my hand from his, while he continued watching every movement I made with concern.
Once again, only this time much faster, I released a nervous breath before heading toward the smallest exit leading into the servants' corridors. I slipped out without anyone noticing, and only when I was alone in the dim corridor did I place my hands on my knees and take a deep breath.
The corset was squeezing me, and the dress felt as though it were ten degrees hotter than before.
I needed air. I could hear the third dance of the evening buzzing and rustling behind me, but all I could think about was how I was going to confess everything to Lys and how I needed to reach some fresh air fast.
Fortunately, the dress was open across my chest, allowing the cool, stale air to brush against my damp skin. Still, it wasn't enough.
I slipped through the narrow corridor, turned through an open doorway, and found myself in another hallway. Somehow, while breathing deeply and trying to find an exit, I stumbled upon one of the staircases.
From its appearance, I knew it was one of the strangest staircases in the entire castle.
It was wide and led to the next floor, but it was built so that it turned to the side, with an open space beneath it where all of us had played as children.
The only way to reach it was by climbing over the railing of the stairs and sliding down along the wall until you reached the bottom.
It didn't matter what kind of staircase it was right now, though, because all stairs led to the top, and windows were waiting there.
Slowly, holding onto the railings, I climbed the stairs without making a sound so no one would see me. I reached the point where we used to climb across.
The music from the ballroom played softly in the distance, reminding me of everything waiting for me there.
It reminded me of Faran.
Of the prince.
And of course, as he always does, so came Lys too.
The thought of him immediately made my stomach tighten, and my legs give out. I lowered myself onto one of the steps and rested my head between my knees, trying to clear my thoughts.
Yet something else would make me forget about every problem I'd had until then, and almost make me tumble over the same railing.
Below me, in the open room, I heard two sets of footsteps. When I leaned slightly to see who it was, I almost gasped.
My mouth fell open, and my hand flew over it.
Below, moving to the faint music they could barely hear, Meera and Corian were dancing in each other's arms.
Her purple dress wrapped around his arm, while his purple cape trailed around them. The face marked by a hundred scars was now relaxed and smiling. They didn't see or hear me, far too occupied with one another.
Finally, Corian lowered his face toward hers, brushed his nose against hers, and kissed her, and of course she kissed him back too, for which I am now certain she had done hundreds of times before.
Still sitting there, I moved away from the edge of the staircase so they wouldn't see me when I stood, then quietly rose to my feet. As silently as possible, I tried to descend without interrupting them, but as these things usually went, nothing could ever go entirely according to my plan.
At the bottom of the staircase, Lys appeared from the corner.
"Princess, are you alright? The Prince told me you came out because you felt sick. Are you alright?"
He rushed the words out, his eyes searching my face for any sign of trouble.
I could see how his hands tensed with the desire to reach me, to feel with his own hand whether I was well or not, but he knew he wasn't allowed to.
Yet now, encouraged by what I had seen, I took both of his forearms in my hands and stepped close enough to feel his breath against my face.
I knew they had heard us by now, but they didn't know that I had seen them. They also didn't know I would do everything to keep it that way.
"Lys?"
"Yes, Princess?" he answered so gently that it broke my heart. Yet in his eyes, I didn't see only what I had been searching for. I didn't find only returned feelings. I also saw pain. And so much sadness.
All night, my poor knight, my love, he had watched me with another man.
I couldn't do what I wanted now. I couldn't confess, for they, Meera and Corian, would bear witness to this confession too. So instead, I took his strong hand and pulled him back toward the ballroom.
"I'm fine, my knight," I answered loudly enough for them to hear.
Even more sadness shone in his eyes, but he didn't let it show on his face. He only nodded, lowered his hands to his sides, and gestured toward the ballroom. My heart climbed into my throat, the words resting on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't let them out.
I walked ahead of him, knowing he would follow.