Chapter 16 Ariana #2
He arched a silver brow. “Several. And you believe none of them prefers to change you. All of them simply give you the freedom to be whatever you wish, do whatever you please, and they love you all the more for it?”
I sighed. “It’s not that simple. I oversimplified the definition of the word. Of course, friendships have their struggles. But ultimately the trials strengthen the bond.”
“You do not know how dangerous it is to place such faith in so many people. Most in this world do things for their own self-serving reasons. You should not place your trust so easily in others.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, clearly displeased by my view of the matter.
I shook my head. “Maybe if you trusted more, then you would understand that there are some out there worthy of that trust.”
He viewed me before glancing at the room where the party still raged. Gray eyes met mine once more, and he inclined his head towards the room. “Allow me the pleasure of a dance with you?” It was an obvious change of subject, one that also made me uncomfortable.
My stomach clenched when he offered me his hand.
I was fairly certain I pissed off all of his right-hand men and so them seeing me dancing with their King would likely offer me some level of security.
I doubted any of them would ever dream of doing anything that may upset their King, and so as long as I held his favor, that offered me protection.
Would I still hold his favor if I embarrassed him by turning down the invitation for a dance?
It was clear Clause wanted me to understand him, to view the world as he did. For some reason, the King cared about my opinion of him. And that was something I could use.
“Under one condition,” I stated, and his hand fell to his side.
“What may that be?” Though his voice was soft, it sent a jolt down my spine. This game, whatever this was that we were playing, was dangerous. Even more so because I felt as though I did not know all the rules.
“Tell me the story of who hurt you.” I asked for something deeply personal. Something I doubted he felt comfortable sharing. Especially given his inclination to keep everyone at a distance.
“Who hurt me?” He framed it as a question.
I elaborated, “For you to believe friendships are not real. That people are too selfish for such notions.”
He took a moment to view me, his expression completely unreadable.
I half expected him to refuse an answer.
And yet, he began speaking. “I’ll tell you of the first person who thoroughly taught me this lesson, but to do so, I suppose I need to give you some background information.
” He paused, as if waiting for me to agree.
“I have nowhere else I need to be.” I shrugged.
Gray eyes studied my face before turning from me altogether, looking out over the balcony. “This is a beautiful land. It can be cold and harsh, but here, surrounded by the mountains, it is an oasis.”
“There is certainly something special to it.” I moved to stand beside him, viewing his lands.
He continued staring out at nothing in particular, his gaze drifting along the horizon of mountains.
“My father loved it here. Loved his people, his family. Until some close to him betrayed him, trying to seize his throne for another. His inner circle, his so-called friends, were nothing more than poison he let into his life.”
I frowned. For this seemed like a story about his father, not him.
“That was the beginning of my father’s change.
He became paranoid, crazed at times. Me, being his heir, I was always with him, and saw it firsthand.
But my mother, she did not get that joy.
My father kept her caged to her room. Isolated.
Alone. He feared letting her out, that someone would get to her and use her to harm him.
So instead, he placed her out of reach. Hiding his weakness behind doors. She became a prisoner.”
“That’s awful,” I murmured.
Clause nodded. “She was weak, simply obeying, no matter what he did to her. But she was a Queen. She gave him an heir. She could have stood her ground, and fought for what she believed. Instead, she just took it. Every day, losing more of herself. Every day pulling away from even me. Like a flower hidden from the sun, she wilted.”
He drew in a breath, releasing it slowly. “I was fifteen years old when I found her laying on the floor of her room in a pool of blood, her wrists cut.”
His hand wrapped around the iron railing, knuckles turning white.
“She was supposed to be my protector, my friend, my mother.” He said those words harshly as if they were dirty.
“Instead, she was a selfish coward who left her only child to suffer at the hands of his mad father.” Pain settled in the space surrounding him.
“She probably saw no hope of an escape from the prison she found herself in,” I said, imagining what she possibly felt.
Cold gray eyes sliced to me. “She was a mother.” There was venom in his words. “And she left me with him.” Anger charged the air between us.
Her actions hurt him, and still hurt even so many years later. And with my comment, I made it seem like I agreed with her choices, that I stood on her side instead of his. My words upset him, and I seem to have unintentionally found a boundary of his I didn’t even know existed.
I never truly saw Clause mad, with that anger directed at me. Yet now, it charged the air I breathed, burning all the way through my lungs. My muscles tensed as I held his stare, suddenly uncomfortable with looking away. He was dangerous, and I finally upset him.
I usually tried to push Clause’s boundaries, never have I rushed back toward them. What was the best way to soothe the hurt and anger of someone who trusted no one?
I reached out, my hand covering his before I changed my mind.
Touch was a powerful thing, especially for someone like him, and so I used it.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you with my comment.
You were a child, and it is a parents’ duty to protect their young.
They should have protected you. I can’t imagine what it was like to find her like that. ”
My thoughts immediately traveled to my own mother, her lying dead on the floor.
Perhaps I could imagine it, but Fraser took my mother from me.
She did not do that to herself. Or did she?
If it was true that she could sense her future, if she somehow induced stillbirths, then perhaps even our mothers shared more in common than I ever imagined.
Nausea settled in my gut at the thought. I had to force myself not to think of it, not to believe it or risk becoming ill.
Clause’s features softened, and his gaze dropped to my hand, the one resting on his. The tension between us softened, the edge growing dull as the anger dissipated. He released the railing, his hand flipping over and gently grasping mine. “Well, did I earn myself a dance?”
It took all my willpower to not rip my hand out of his.
“Lead the way.” I offered a tight smile and allowed the murderer of my best friend take me towards the music.
Before I knew it, we were on the dancefloor, and the eyes of every person raked over me as the Sidhe King tugged me closer and began moving me across the floor. His steps were smooth, like fluid, precise. Those gray, cunning eyes, had not once left mine. They trapped me.
“I didn’t mean to frighten you on the balcony.” He broke the silence between us.
“You didn’t.” I offered him a small forced smile, trying to pretend confidence into existence. The moment on the balcony was uncomfortable for so many reasons.
His lips tugged down. “I got angry, but that was misplaced. I apologize for it. Normally, I do not let my emotions get away like that.”
My eyes widened, for he always exuded a confident poise. I suddenly was not sure if he knew what it meant to be emotional. It was clear the conversation upset him, that it was something difficult for him, something I doubted he shared with many.
I realized that most of his demons lingered beneath the surface of a calm water.
He never dealt with them properly, and instead forced them to submerge, keeping them out of sight.
Yet they remained idle, waiting. The King was not as whole as he made himself appear.
Maybe that was something I could use to my advantage.
I thought of how to respond. “Showing an emotion does not mean they have gotten away from you. It makes you more real, and relatable. It was a sensitive topic, and you have every right to feel angry.” Perhaps if he allowed himself to feel, to heal, then he could one day be comfortable building bonds with others.
He could learn. Maybe he could be a better King for his people, one capable of compassion.
Surprise touched his features.
My stomach twisted. What was I thinking? Be a better leader?
I forced a smile that I hoped looked natural. “Why do you look stunned?” Nothing I said was new or worthy of surprise. My thoughts however, those certainly shocked me.
His brows drew together as he continued to guide me across the dancefloor. “I imagined you scolding me for feeling angry. That you would want me to relate to my mother’s suffering.”
My smile faltered. Did he really think that his feelings had no value? Had no one ever held him or shielded him from anything? Had no one shown him the power of positive bonds and interactions? I thanked the Spirit for Edda, for when I was young, she was all those things for me and so much more.
My gaze fell away from his, pulled down by a sudden sadness sifting through me at the thought of Edda. I forced my attention back up to meet his eye. “She was not the only one suffering.”
His hold momentarily loosened on me, the only sign of his surprise at my comment.
“My mother suffered too,” I whispered, my gaze dropping till I stared at nothing but his shoulder.
“My father was not a good man. I have no memory of him ever being kind. She was shackled to him, a monster. Yet, she remained there for no other reason but to shelter me from him.” My eyes watered.
How much of my words were even true anymore, if Malavika was right about what she did. ..
Suddenly I realized it must sound like I am rubbing it in his face that my mom loved me while he thought his abandoned him. My gaze rose. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad someone protected you from the cruelty of the world,” he whispered. I half expected him to add something about how doing so, they unfortunately also sheltered me from the true selfishness of the world. Yet, he didn’t.
“I wish someone had protected you, too,” I said, and meant it. How different could he have been if the circumstances were better?
We stopped moving without my realizing it. Clause stared at me, cold silver eyes holding me captive. A strange tension circled us, the air buzzing with it.
His gaze dipped to my lips. One of his hands still held mine, while the other remained on my lower back. A dangerous man surrounded me, looking at me in a way I never expected, with desire.
My stomach dropped. No.
Suddenly Erik was in the foreground of my mind. He was the one I wanted to dance with, to touch me, to look at me with desire. He was the one I felt safe with. The one who had spared Landin’s life only for Clause to take it.
The Sidhe King moved closer, stepping into me, his powerful frame enveloping me even more. I nearly forgot to keep breathing, while my heart forgot to pause between beats.
He leaned in towards me till his breath caressed my lips.
“Please,” I managed to whisper despite my throat closing.
He stilled.
“Don’t.” The word barely a desperate murmur, yet he heard.
Hungry silver eyes rose to mine for a moment that lasted an eternity. I would have been shaking if I had not completely frozen in place. A fear so potent sliced into me.
Finally, he stepped away from me.
I sucked in a breath, and somehow when I spoke, my voice sounded steadier than my mind.
“May I take my leave?” I didn’t even know why I asked.
I should have just left. But he was a King, someone who probably often got the things he wanted, and I did not know how he would react to what just happened.
Clause dipped his head. “You may go if you wish,” his voice was gentle.
That snapped me into action, and I began moving at once.
However, when I went to step past him, he reached out.
Fingers wrapped around my forearm, smoothly bringing me to a stop.
I could only look ahead and wait for whatever would come next, while Clause towered at my side.
His gaze roamed my face. I didn’t even have to look at him, for I felt it.
And suddenly it was difficult to breathe again.
“You do not need to fear me,” he said softly before releasing me.
No one stopped me again as I practically fled from the room, ran down the halls, and hid in my room, thankful for Shay’s presence when I entered. She was my piece of home, keeping me grounded as the world shifted all around me.