CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Brett
Present
“It’s really a form of torture,” Judy draws up her knee in her chair, “but nobody sees it that way because it just seems like rude behavior. The patterns are so subtle that they can be extremely difficult to recognize. You’re the only one who really can, but you’re also being totally brainwashed in the process to the point you can’t trust your own mind anyway.”
Suddenly, Barrett’s voice echoes in my head— who’s going to believe you?
No one, that’s who. Not after he was done driving me insane and making everyone think the same. I had no best friend, no family in the same country, and everyone else poisoned by lies and deceit.
“I didn’t see it then,” I pause, smiling to myself as I recall, “but my boyfriend was the only one who never treated me like I was crazy. I mean, besides Barrett, but…” I trail off, not wanting to even think about the mess with her.
Judy smiles and gives a slow nod, “The one who’s still here,” she murmurs, “who stood with you through everything.”
“Yeah,” my smile fades, “and even after all that, I still feel like I’m not here. I still feel like I’m trapped in that room, with a monster breathing down my neck, and I don’t know how to get out. I should be happy. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything should be perfect, but it’s not. Because I’m here, but I’m not here.” My breathing gets heavier and my eyes begin to well, “And it’s not fucking fair!”
Judy gazes at me for a few moments, her eyes sparkling. That’s what she always looks like when she’s getting ideas .
Finally, she clasps her hands at her chin, “I haven’t forgotten what you said about looking past the fear.” She narrows her eyes with a determined nod, “We need to get you out of that room. And there’s something I want to try with you at our next session. When it comes down to it, it could save your life.”
●●●
There’s a Thai place about a mile from the Toyota dealership that has the best Pad See Ew on the planet. Or, at the very least, in the state. I haven’t been to every Thai restaurant in the state, but it’s the best I’ve had since I moved here. And I really like Pad See Ew.
“This place is amazing!” Valerie mumbles through a mouthful of pineapple curry, “How’d you find it?”
“My boyfriend,” I reply, swirling a few noodles around my chopsticks and securing them by pinching a cube of tofu. I’m pretty good with chopsticks, but noodles are tough. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can eat at a steady pace and not take an hour because I’m so slow. “He was born around here, and this is the first place he took me for an actual date.”
Looking around the restaurant, you wouldn’t think it’d be a prime location for romance, but anyone who’s ever been here knows it’s a gem hidden between the vast spans of farmland and forests. It’s jammed between a law office and an insurance agency in a nondescript building from the 80’s that looks like it’s in dire need of maintenance. Green leather booths peppered with scuffs and tears line the walls and there may or may not be an even number of chairs at the tables at any given time. The acoustic ceiling tiles near the kitchen are caving in, but there’s an immaculate fish tank near the hostess stand that looks like it belongs in a five-star hotel.
And it’s always crowded— always. I also love the name, Thai Planet. Its purple and green neon sign reminds me of a bowling alley and the name makes me wonder if I’ll run into the cast of Toy Story under the tables. But I’m not a snob. Far from it, actually. This is where I feel most comfortable, in an unassuming place with character that takes on a life of its own with each story shared over a plate of Pad Kee Maow.
“That’s really sweet,” Valerie takes a sip of water, “back in Cuyahoga Falls, there was a Chinese place that was kind of like this—didn’t look like much on the outside, but the food was amazing. Not like regular takeout, but authentic Chinese that you can’t get just anywhere.”
“Are you from Ohio, too?” I ask in disbelief.
Valerie pauses, going silent, “Yeah!” she finally grins, “That’s where I grew up…before moving here. Is that where you’re from?”
I nod and continue to wrap noodles around my chopsticks, “I grew up in North Bay, on the lake.” I glance up with a smirk, “What are the odds? ”
“That’s so crazy,” she laughs, skewering a piece of chicken, “what brought you here?”
I continue twirling my noodles, taking leisurely bites of egg and broccoli, and savoring the sauce with just the right amount of spice. I could make something up—something normal. I could make it seem like the last year of my life weren’t taken straight out of a Lifetime movie. But what’s the fun in that?
“Well, I went to OSU and then worked in research and development,” I lift my eyes to meet Valerie’s, “but then I had to run for my life.”
She does a doubletake and her chewing slows, “Run for your life?” she repeats.
“Yeah,” I nod, “this guy I was…involved with…” I never know what words to use. They differ greatly depending on whether I’m talking about the beginning or the end of the story, “To make a long story short, I discovered he was surveilling me and gaslighting me so bad that I thought I was going insane.” I look down at my hand and confirm that it remains perfectly still, “It almost ruined my life. And then one night I got home from work and he was waiting for me…” I trail off, deciding not to go any further.
I look down at my hand again and it still hasn’t moved. The muscles are still relaxed, calm, not on the brink of panic. It’s good I decided to stop there. Don’t tempt fate, right?
“Waiting for you?” Valerie repeats with apprehension, hoping for some elaboration but refusing to come right out and say it.
I nod and pop a cube of tofu in my mouth, “He did some awful things. To me, to other people, but…” I trail off, pressing my mouth together as my eyes wander across the table top, “can I tell you a secret?”
Her brow arches in surprise, “Yeah,” she laughs, “of course.”
I take a deep breath, hesitating like I’m still trying to decide whether to speak. Then I plant my elbow on the table and bring my hand to my cheek as though to obscure my words from prying eyes.
“Even though he did awful things to me, I still think about him sometimes,” I murmur, my eyes rolling in shame, “I’d never met anyone like him. He was like a storm—slowly building before finally letting loose and wrecking everything in his path. He was a different breed…” I muse, “he spent so much time waiting for me and searching for me, and when he did, he was just as much mine as I was his,” I shoot her a wry grin over the table, “because he has a type…”
Valerie stares at me across the booth, her caramel irises hanging onto every word. Her eyes are alert, looking receptive and concerned, but there’s a faint rosiness of discomfort about her cheeks.
I tense my body and suppress the urge to cringe and instead smile, lowering my voice to continue my confessions, “Even after all this time, I’m sure he still sleeps in the same bed. Probably the same sheets, too.” I pause, letting my eyes fall back to the table as a faint smile creeps across my face, “ He’s such a psycho, he probably hasn’t even washed them since.” I glance to the side, “He’s sentimental like that. He likes to keep things that are special to him…”
I want to vomit with each and every word and I have to smile to mask the loathing. I hear my voice, but I can’t believe this filth is coming out of my mouth, and not the good kind, either. But by the look Valerie’s giving me, I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks I’m about to rub one out under the table. Her eyes are soft and her mouth relaxed, but the veins pop along her golden neck like the strings of a harp. And I’m playing a solo just for her.
“Sometimes I wonder what I’d do if I saw him—if he found me again. I know he’d try to convince me to come back to him,” I shoot her a devious grin, “and it would be fun to let him try…”
Valerie’s fidgeting like she has a nervous tick. Maybe she does. One of my friends in high school, Jimmy Leach, had Tourette’s Syndrome and sometimes his tics were so bad during Algebra exams that he’d accidentally punch me in the arm.
I give my head a shake and my eyes brighten again as I shift my train of thought, “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this,” I laugh, “maybe because I don’t know you that well, yet. It’s weird how the less you know someone, the easier it is to tell them anything. Anyway,” I laugh, “I’m saying a lot of words. I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”
“No way!” Valerie shakes her head, “It’s not weird at all. Sometimes you just have to let things out before they become too much. Besides,” she flashes her eyes at me, “who doesn’t like hearing a few sordid secrets?”
Not you, that’s for sure.
Even though Valerie’s face begs for more details, I see the chaos swirling behind her eyes like a hurricane. She plasters her glossy mouth and perfectly contoured cheekbones into an enchanting smile, but the way she neurotically taps her ruby painted toes and rips apart the corner of her napkin tells a different story.
I take a sip of water, trying to stifle the giggle threatening to erupt at any moment.
I’ll eat you alive, you sneaky bitch.