Chapter 37
Aidan
“You are a saint,” I praise Caoimhe as I thrust every crumpled euro in my wallet at her.
She taps on the cab’s steering wheel as we pull around the entrance of the hospital.
“You can thank me in the liner notes of your next record. Go get her!” she shouts after me as I bound out of the car.
Cielo still hasn’t returned my calls, but I’m determined to show up for her, to love her with my actions and not just my songs.
My heart seizes at the thought of rejection.
Maybe she doesn’t want me by her side and that’s the reason she hasn’t answered, the reason she didn’t tell me about the biopsy in the first place.
I’m more than familiar with the oncology department, and I follow the twisting halls until I reach the waiting area. Everywhere beyond this point requires a nurse to buzz you in. Saoirse couldn’t tell me exactly where to go, or which doctor Lo is seeing.
A few people flip through dated magazines while eighties pop filters in softly and a TV silently plays a daytime drama. Lo isn’t here. I turn back down the hall, looking for another waiting room, but there isn’t one.
“Excuse me.” Despite the adrenaline coursing through me, I approach the reception desk. “I’m here to meet a patient. Cielo Valdez? Has she checked in for her appointment yet?”
The young man frowns at my desperation. He’s probably not supposed to share such details.
“I don’t want her to have to do this alone,” I say. “Please.”
He shakes his head. “She’s late.”
What? Cielo is many things: empathetic, studious, competitive, independent. Punctual. One thing she is not, is late.
“She called to say she was running late or…?”
“Never showed up.”
Something’s wrong. I thank the receptionist and stalk through the corridors with my mobile up to my ear and head to the A&E, hoping that Oisín knows where Cielo is, but he only knows that she took the afternoon off. All my calls go directly to voicemail.
I start to call Fionn to see if he can give me a lift to Lo’s flat, but something I can’t explain pulls me toward the hospital’s healing garden.
Hedgerows curve inward, creating a meditative spiral out of the narrow corridor in between dense green walls.
Immediately, the peace and seclusion make it feel separate from the clinical building.
I swallow heavily as I follow the path of flat stones to the little garden at the center of the labyrinth.
My heart squeezes. There, in the clearing, Cielo sits on a bench, head down.
Her face is buried in her arms and her feet are tucked up under her body, but my soul would recognize hers anywhere.
Since I learned about the test results, I’ve been wondering if Lo was hiding symptoms during the wedding.
I’ve been wracking my brain thinking about what signs I missed.
Minimizing her own needs for the comfort of others isn’t unheard of for Lo, but I worry that I was so caught up in wanting her, in the new material and Harvest in the Park, that I missed clues of something being wrong.
She’s been going through this alone, even when I was right next to her.
“Lo?” I say, willing my voice not to crack under the weight of my worry.
Her head snaps up and my knees nearly buckle when her red eyes find mine. “Aidan?”
I stride toward her, scooping her into a tight embrace. She is here and she’s whole. And in my arms, she’s safe. Lo presses her face against my neck and sinks into me as a sob wracks her chest.
“I’m here, babe.”
Having tucked her hair gently behind her ears, I can see the tip of her nose is red and tears wet her cheeks.
Every protective instinct in my body wants to build a fortress around her.
Lo pulls a set of earbuds out. Faintly, I can make out the song flowing through them as she holds them in her palm.
Of all the music in the world, it’s an acoustic version of “Heaven-Bound.”
“Wait—what are you doing here?” she asks, pulling back and searching my face. “You left a voicemail, but it was all static.”
“Saoirse told me about the biopsy, Lo.”
“So you’re here because she guilt-tripped you?”
“Of course not,” I start, but Lo steps backward out of my grasp. “No one had to talk me into—”
Her eyes widen in realization. “Please don’t say you threw away an opportunity to work with your hero because of a thirty-minute outpatient procedure.”
My silence says everything. Finally, I rub my hands together. “You told me I don’t need him.”
“How could you?!”
Indignation flashes through me and I step toward her. “How could you keep me in the dark about something this important? I’m doing everything I can to show you that I’m in it for real with you this time, but you’re still not letting me in.”
“This is why I didn’t tell you about the appointment.” Lo waves a hand as if resentful of my uninvited presence in her sanctuary. “We promised we’d never get in each other’s way. I don’t want to be the thing that holds you back and distracts you. I refuse to be anyone’s burden.”
I lower my voice so it doesn’t break. “I don’t understand how you’ve convinced yourself that you’re an anchor that drags me down.
You’re not. You could never be that. You’re the stability that keeps me from getting tossed about in a storm.
When we’re together I remember who I am, not just who everyone wants me to be. ”
Fire and pain still burn in Lo’s pink-rimmed eyes.
“It was your support that made me take a career as a musician seriously, after I’d all but given up.” I gesture to the earbuds in her hand, still playing my own voice. “The love I have for you is what made that album resonate with people. I owe it all to you.”
“Don’t pretend like it’s not your talent that makes people listen,” Lo says.
“You’re an artist, and you were an artist before we met.
You’ve dreamed of working with Nigel since you first picked up an instrument.
I didn’t want you preoccupied when you were already so nervous to meet him.
Besides, this appointment really isn’t a huge deal—”
“Yes, it is, because you’re a huge deal to me and it’s fucking cancer, Lo,” I shoot back.
Enough of her minimizing. “You hate it when other people make decisions for me about my music, right? So don’t you take away my choice to be here by not even letting me know you might be sick again.
Saoirse said you knew the bloodwork was off since the wedding.
Do you have any idea how much it hurts me that you didn’t trust me with that? ”
Guilt flashes across her face. “I was going to tell you everything after I got the results and a diagnosis. Really, I was. Even if I had the biopsy today, I wouldn’t get the results back for days.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’m yours. And you’re mine. That means I’m here when you need me.”
Lo’s mouth opens, but instead of arguing with me, she draws in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”
I try to unclench my jaw and gentle my voice. “Now that you know I want to be here, I need to know the truth: Do you want me here?”
“Yes.” At first, Lo’s cracked whisper is barely audible in her crying-roughened throat, but she repeats it with conviction.
“Yes, I want you here, Aidan. Every day for the past two years, I’ve wanted you here with me because I never fell out of love with you.
You’re thoughtful and talented and you’re willing to fight a wild animal for me and publicly wear the ugliest sweater in existence for your mother.
Then we got another chance and this whole recurrence thing just made me terrified of losing you all over again.
I’m so sorry for keeping this from you.”
The affirmation of Cielo’s love is the balm my anxious heart needed.
“Why didn’t you show up to the procedure? The receptionist said you were a no-show.”
Her chin quivers. “I couldn’t do it. I left my rotation early and when I got to the check-in desk, I couldn’t bring myself to take that final step. And I felt so ashamed…”
My heart aches at the notion of Lo going through such a life-changing appointment completely by herself.
“How did you know I’d be here in the labyrinth?” she asks quietly.
“I honestly don’t know. I just felt something telling me to come outside.”
A breeze stirs the hedges and gently tousles her hair. Praying that she doesn’t pull away again, I extend my hand. Lo’s fingers are delicate and soft entwined with mine.
“There’s no place that’s more important for me to be than by your side—today or any other day.
Just because you’re independent enough to get by on your own doesn’t mean you don’t deserve someone who will hold your hand when you’re scared, or wipe your tears when you’re sad, or cheer you on when you have to do something hard. Or—”
“Or get me candy when I’m stressed,” Cielo suggests.
“That reminds me…”
I dig into my pocket for the bag I picked up at JFK airport when I’d bought the razor.
Although sealed, the packaging is crumpled from being sat on.
I hold it out on flattened palms like I’m presenting an extravagant piece of jewelry and not a beat-up packet of sweets.
Part of me knows that one day, I will be proposing to her someplace beautiful.
Under much happier circumstances. Lo accepts it with an incredulous shake of her head.
“And there’s more where that came from if you’ll let me be that person for you.
Let me in. Let me love you like you deserve. ”
“I want to love you like you deserve, too, Aidan. No more secrets. So I have to be honest: Looking at this little rainbow right now makes me wanna gag,” she says with a watery smile.
Mine drops in confusion. “What?”
“I might’ve…overindulged last night with Saoirse.
In wine and candy. Vile combination, in retrospect.
I passed out with a dead phone battery, but as soon as I had a chance at the end of my shift, I tried to call to wish you luck.
That’s when I saw your messages. You’ve been on my mind all day. ” Lo swallows heavily.
“I wanna be your emergency contact. Your support system. I know you can stand on your own feet, but I promise I won’t let you fall if you lean on me.
” My voice is hushed, but every word is true.
Cradling her jaw in my palm, I lean in. “Regardless of what is going on, if I’m on tour or anything, my family is my priority.
You’re my family. You’re the song in my heart. ”
“And you’re mine,” Lo answers, letting herself sink into my touch. Unshed tears shine in her hazel eyes as her gaze darts back toward the hospital campus. I brush a thumb over her cheek when she finally lets the first fall in front of me. “I don’t want to do this, A.”
“If we could trade places, I’d do so in a heartbeat. But I’m not gonna let you do this alone. If you promise to trust me, I promise to be right here.”
“I promise.”
Our lips press together tenderly, but there’s so much emotion in the chaste touch. I press another to her forehead and Lo lingers there. We walk hand in hand back toward the hospital entrance.