Chapter 48
“I don’t have anything to wear to a funeral,” I said to Savage.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed, bare-chested, his arms resting on his thighs. Savage looked up at me, his face gaunt, his expression shuttered.
I wasn’t sure he heard me but then he said, “We’ll go to Willa and Duke’s. Between Willa, Waverly and Sailor, they’ll have something you can wear.”
Both of us were exhausted down to our marrow, but somehow, we had to rouse ourselves.
Because we had to put one of his brothers into the ground.
“Do they know?” I asked. “The Old Ladies, I mean?”
“The entire club knows,” he replied. “They know why Acid died. They know you were kidnapped, and they know that we brought you home. They know it all.”
I flinched.
His expression softened. “Sorry, babe. I should’ve been gentler about it.”
I shook my head. “No. Better that I know that they know.”
“Roman and the guys are coming to the funeral, too.”
“Roman,” I repeated. “God, I haven’t even thought about work.”
Savage stared at me and my face fell.
“They know, too, don’t they?”
“Yes.”
“Savage .”
“Couldn’t be helped, babe. Roman knew how we met. And when you didn’t show up for work, they had to know why.”
“So now everyone I know is going to look at me with pity?” I asked, fury heating my cheeks. “I don’t get the luxury of any sort of privacy?”
“No,” he said, rising, his own expression turning angry. “You don’t. Because like it or not, people fucking care about you. And they worry about you.”
“Well, great. Now they can worry about me forever. Because I know how they’re going to look at me. All of them. They’ll say poor Evie . Escaped a cult only to get dragged back to them. They’ll say—they’ll say . . .”
“What will they say?”
“They’ll say I’m not good enough for you, Savage. They’ll say I’m too messed up and that all I wanted was a father for my babies. That I wanted protection, and that I don’t really love you.”
He stood up and came to me, cradling my cheeks in his hands. “If anyone is stupid enough to say that, then they don’t know you.”
Savage kissed me and then pulled back. “And if they do say that I’ll punch them into the ground.”
I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and gave it a squeeze.
He let me go.
“Come on. Today’s going to be a long fucking day.”
Duke answered the front door, looking somber and tired. He hugged Savage and then me.
“Willa’s upstairs feeding the baby. She’ll be down in a minute.”
“You don’t look like you’ve slept,” Savage said.
“I didn’t get much sleep last night and it had nothing to do with the baby.” Duke rubbed the back of his neck. “You both look like you didn’t sleep either.” His gaze locked in on my neck and the bruises that I didn’t conceal, but he didn’t mention them.
Willa came down the stairs, cradling the baby. She handed the infant to Duke and then hugged Savage, and then me.
“Cooper’s good for a while,” Willa said. “I’m taking Evie and we’re going to raid Sailor and Waverly’s closets.”
The newborn looked even tinier in Duke’s arms and my heart went squishy, thinking about how small and pink my own babies would be.
I was immediately flooded with a batch of hormones and tears misted my eyes.
“You okay?” Savage asked me.
I nodded and turned my head away.
Willa took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “She’s looking at my baby and she’s thinking about her own.”
Savage stared at the infant in Duke’s arms. His jaw clenched and his expression tightened.
The two men went into the living room while I followed Willa through the kitchen to the back door.
“How’s he doing?” Willa asked.
Because it was Willa and she was Savage’s family, I felt no compunction about hiding the truth from her. “Not good. Holding it together, but his mind’s a mess.”
“Did he go for a ride last night?” she asked as we began to trek across the lawn.
I shook my head. “He hasn’t left my side. To be honest, I think it’ll take more than a long ride on his motorcycle to help.”
“How are you doing? Your neck . . .”
“I’m . . .” I shrugged. “Alive.”
And afraid to sleep .
“You two have been through the wringer,” she murmured.
“So have you,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s amazing any of us aren’t curled up in the corner, holding our knees and rocking back and forth.”
We fell silent for a moment, but I wanted to talk about something else, so I turned the conversation.
“Did you always plan on naming the baby after him?”
She smiled softly. “Yeah. That was always the plan. He joked about it a lot. So I’m sure he didn’t think it was ever going to happen, but . . .”
“But?”
“But the baby is his, too, in a way. He’s family. He’s our best friend. The three of us work because it’s the three of us. It’s hard to explain and I’m sure it’s weird. But . . . Duke and I never wanted Savage to feel like he was being replaced, even when we got married and had a baby.”
I nodded slowly. “Can I ask a question?”
“Always.” She smiled.
“Was it ever romantic? Between you and Savage?”
She looked at me and arched a brow. “What do you think?”
“I think based on how you three interact, no. Probably not. But I was curious if I was missing something.”
“No, you aren’t missing anything. You’re astute, Evie.” She took a deep breath. “There was always something between me and Duke. Something we had to force down because when we were younger, it could’ve been the end of us. The end of all three of us. The two of them and their friendship . . . They never would have survived it. And not because Savage wanted me, but because if we’d gotten together too young the dynamic would have changed. A lot was at stake. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and eventually the time was right.”
“It worked out in the end, didn’t it?”
“It’s looking that way. It’s weird, right? Acid’s death is devastating. And so, while I’m mourning my friend, I’m also ridiculously happy.”
“Right there with you,” I commiserated. “Maybe that’s just the way life is supposed to be, you know? And hopefully there are enough moments of light that dispel the darkness.”
As if by tacit agreement, Willa and I had slowed down our walk toward the shop apartment so we could talk candidly. But now we’d arrived at the door.
She didn’t bother knocking, but when she opened it, she tread softly.
Waverly and Sailor were facing each other in the kitchen, looking like adversaries instead of best friends. They were too consumed with each other to notice that we’d come in.
“I’m not going!” Sailor yelled. “You can’t make me.”
“You’re seriously standing there telling me you’re not going to his funeral? That’s insane,” Waverly replied. “You have to go.”
“I can’t do it. I can’t watch while they bury him.” Sailor’s voice broke.
“You have to face it.”
“Don’t tell me what I have to face, Waverly. You don’t understand. The man you love is still alive.”
Willa cleared her throat.
Sailor’s fists were clenched at her sides and when she turned to look at Willa, horror etched across her features. She ran from the apartment.
Waverly tried to go after Sailor, but Willa stepped in front of her sister. “Let her go.”
Waverly reluctantly nodded. “I don’t know what to say to her. I think I just made it worse.”
“Sometimes saying nothing and being there is all someone needs.”
Waverly turned blue eyes to Willa, pleading. “It’s been awful. She’s been crying or yelling. Sometimes both at the same time.”
“She’s processing,” Willa said. “We all are. But it’s no secret how Sailor feels about Acid.”
“Yeah.” Waverly nodded. “I’m afraid this is going to be the thing she never gets over.”
“Making her go to his funeral is not going to help that. If anything, it might make it worse, and she’ll just be mad at you too. Just let her be in her feelings. This is for her to deal with in her own time. And if she skips his funeral and later regrets it, that’s not your fault. We can hold space for people to make their own choices, but we don’t have to carry the burden of the consequences of them. Only they can do that.”
She looked at me when she made that last statement.
“Subtle,” I mumbled.
Waverly rubbed the back of her neck. “I wish I could help her through this.”
“You can. Just by letting her be who she needs to be. That’s all any of us can ask for, at the end of the day. You know?”
Waverly sighed and looked at me. “Hey, Evie. Sorry you had to hear all that.”
“Don’t apologize,” I said. “We’re all just trying to feel our way through an emotional mess.”
“Do you have anything Evie can wear to the funeral?” Willa asked. “I don’t have anything that will fit her.”
“I have some clothes that will probably work. If not, Sailor does.” She shook her head. “God, it feels like just yesterday I was giving Sutton something to wear to a funeral. But the last funeral we went to . . . I want to stop going to funerals.”
“You and me both,” Willa murmured.
Waverly sighed. “Come on, I’ll show you my closet.”
“I’m going to go check on Sailor,” Willa said.
I nodded and then followed Waverly to the shared closet. It was brimming with clothes. They were both teenage girls of a similar age, but they were so different in style. I could tell where Waverly’s funky 80s and 90s clothes ended and Sailor’s softer, more conservative style began.
“I suggest this dress,” She pulled out a turtleneck sweater dress with long sleeves. Her gaze lingered on my bruises, but thankfully she didn’t outright mention them.
“Thanks.”
“I know . . .” Waverly bit her lip. “I know why we’re burying Acid. How you and Savage met. Where he—you—have been the last few days.”
“Oh,” I said, slowly sinking down on the edge of one of the beds. “I wasn’t sure if you knew.”
“The club is strange like that,” she said slowly. “They try and keep you in the dark. The women and children, I mean. But I’m not an Old Lady and I’m not really a child.”
I was silent as I waited for her to go on.
“Savage is basically my older brother,” she said. “He’s always looked out for me even when I haven’t wanted him to. And I know him. The guilt must be eating him alive.”
“Yeah, I would say that’s an accurate assessment.”
She plowed on. “He’s different with you. Caring. Thoughtful. But he’s still Savage. He will always be Savage.”
“Yes,” I agreed.
Her blue eyes pinned me with a stare. “Duke and Willa . . . they’re wrapped up in their own life right now. That’s understandable. But I don’t think they see what this will do to Savage. But you know, don’t you?”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Do you think people can change?”
“Yes and no. I think we are who we are at our core. But I think, with enough life experiences, your lens shifts a bit.”
“You’ll never leave him, will you?” She looked scared, scared for the man she loved as a brother. “Not even if it gets hard? Not even if he tries to self-destruct because of the guilt? And God, I feel like an asshole even asking because you’ve been through your own shit. I can’t even imagine.”
“No. I won’t leave him. I don’t know what the future holds, Waverly. I just know that I’ll be by his side for whatever life throws at us. He came for me in a very dark hour. I’ll do the same for him.”
She smiled and in a show of affection, leaned over and hugged me. “Welcome to the family, Evie.”