26 #3
He had to see Maisie. Now. Had to know how her family had been with her today.
Had to tell her of his parents’ reactions.
Turning, he made his way up the Grosvenor Road towards the Falls, exchanging polite greetings with every stranger he passed, as was courteous.
Polite? Inwardly he was distraught, angry, hurt, yet still he managed to remember to be civil.
That was how he had been reared – in a household where Father’s rules were absolute, where Mother’s role was to keep the peace, Granda’s to keep out of things, and where good manners were highly valued.
Papist slut. His father’s words echoed around and around in his mind, fuelling rage every time. How dare he speak of Maisie in that way? How dare he judge an entire community, and every girl in it?
In reality, Alex knew himself to be much more a ‘slut’ than Maisie could ever be.
For a moment, he pictured himself telling his parents all about his sexual adventures in Edinburgh, then realised there was no point.
It would hurt and outrage them further, and it wouldn’t help.
Besides, unfairly, only women could be called sluts.
There was no equivalent word for young men.
He had reached the corner of Dunlewey Street, stopping abruptly. He couldn’t just walk up and rap the Canavans’ door. They would likely chase him, and it would make everything worse for Maisie.
What a mess. What a feckin’ mess. Here he was, a man of twenty-six, a qualified doctor involved in making important, complex decisions every day, yet right now he felt more alone and lost than he could ever remember feeling in his life.
Where can I go? He couldn’t reach Maisie, he couldn’t go home, and he certainly didn’t want to talk about what had happened with anyone yet – not even Dan . . . There was only one place where he knew he would always be welcome. Turning, he made for the maternity hospital.
* * *
Maisie had a week of night duty in delivery suite ahead, so she went upstairs for a nap in the late afternoon, emerging woolly-headed an hour before she was due to report for duty.
Alex was on days from tomorrow, she knew, so she wouldn’t see much of him this week.
They would have to overlap at handover times as best they could.
And so it was a shock to see him waiting for her on the Falls as she walked to work in the warm evening light.
‘Well! Bout ’ye!’ They couldn’t kiss in such a public place – the Falls was buzzing with activity, even on a Sunday evening, with pedestrians strolling in their Sunday best or driving about in horse-drawn traps or motor cars.
Still, Alex’s eyes were warm as they met hers, and her heart was now skipping in an Alex-related manner.
He fell in beside her. ‘How are you? How’s things with your ones?’
‘Weird. Mammy’s not speaking to me, but she hasn’t told Da yet, for he’d have went mad. What about you? Did you tell your mammy?’
‘Told them both.’ His mouth was a hard line, his brow furrowed. ‘Father ordered me out of the car.’
‘Oh, Alex, I’m so sorry!’ Her heart ached at his evident distress. ‘When was this?’
‘After church. About ten hours ago now.’
‘And you haven’t been home?’
He shook his head. ‘I might not be welcome there any more.’ He exhaled. ‘So I’ve been walking round Belfast. Had a bite to eat in the canteen at work, and even did a bit of work – wrote up some forms.’
‘Well, at least you had the Royal to go to. God, Alex, this is a nightmare!’
‘It really is.’
‘What are you gonna do tonight?’
He squinted at the sunset. ‘It’ll be getting dark soon. My father has work in the morning, so he usually goes to bed at eleven. I’ll go home around that time and see what happens.’ He gave a short laugh. ‘They might have changed the locks on the doors for all I know!’
‘Would they actually do that?’ Her pretty face was pale.
‘I have literally no idea. This whole situation is . . . exceptional. Look, best-case scenario is that they let me still live there. There might even be a chance they’ll come round. But more likely is that they’ll kick me out.’
‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!’ Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘What will you do?’
‘I can bunk down in the doctors’ mess in the maternity hospital for a few nights if I need to, while I look for a place to rent.’
She shook her head. ‘This is all so wrong.’
‘I know.’
He is devastated. She could see it in his eyes, feel it in her heart. Like her, he was risking losing his family, and family was everything. A thought that had been forming inside her for hours abruptly came into focus.
‘The thing is,’ she said slowly, ‘you’re family to me now.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know how your family is, like, part of you, and you’re part of them, and it’s forever and it can’t be changed? Well, that’s how I feel about you.’
He gave her a serious look. ‘Yes. That’s exactly how I feel about you too.’
‘So being forced to choose between you and my ones is like being forced to choose between Mammy and Da, or Molly and Matty. It’s—’
‘Impossible.’ They said it in unison. And it was.
They had reached the Royal Maternity Hospital, and as they walked in together, Maisie was conscious of a feeling like her insides being torn apart. How could she possibly survive without being part of the Canavans? Yet equally, she could not live without Alex.
Ironically, she had thought herself heartbroken when she and Gerald had split up. But that had been nothing in comparison to this. She had had no idea about real pain, real anguish. How could she choose between the man she loved and her family?
Her heart was broken in two.